Venting dying alone.

[mold]

I'm going to take SN soon. All my previous attempts have failed or been stopped because I was around other people. But with SN, I can die alone, without anyone to stop me.

It's funny, I'm not scared of dying, but I'm really scared of dying alone. Alone in this big apartment I wanted to change my life in, when I gave life one last shot. When I thought maybe I had a chance, that even though life felt like hell, I had and deserved a chance too. How wrong I was.

Every day since I've gotten my concussion, I barely leave my bed or desk. Whenever I wander to another part of my apartment, I wonder to myself, "was my apartment always this big?"

I look at the items my mom had left behind from her last visit, the things I need to give my friends, other things from people that hurt to look at.

I live in a country that prioritizes being alone, or at least is accustomed to people being alone. I know that the moment I ingest the SN, no one is going to find me or come looking for me for weeks, if not months. I know no one is going to call the cops at least for 2 weeks. No one is going to check in on me for a while. I wish I wouldn't be alone when I die. I wish I could at least see my mom. It won't make me want to die any less/more, I just don't want to be alone when it happens, but I don't have a choice. If I take SN the whole point is to not be found.

I've steeled myself when it comes to dying, I have 0 regrets, and every day I'm alive since my past attempts, it hasn't gotten better, even if I tried to. My only regrets is not having taken the leap of faith sooner. I know with SN the goal is to take it quietly, alone, and disappear. I don't want to go alone, but I don't have a choice. It's sad.

I hope my mother doesn't mourn me too much.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel you. I'll die alone in my apartment too (probably with the same method). It's not really a problem for me because - for several reasons - I'm forced to live in isolation. I wish I could die from a lethal disease but it won't certainly happen. My mother will mourn me a lot but what can we do ?

 

[FrustratedMTFtrans]

I feel you. I'll die alone in my apartment too (probably with the same method). It's not really a problem for me because - for several reasons - I'm forced to live in isolation. I wish I could die from a lethal disease but it won't certainly happen. My mother will mourn me a lot but what can we do ?

Those of us who do CTB and die alone, may want our bodies to either never be discovered, or to be discovered fairly soon, so it's easier on those finding us.

One attraction of dying from a lethal disease is that there is no need to explain or apologize for anything. But it needs patience, mostly involving a long time with maybe pain, suffering and inconvenience before CTB from it. If getting infected with HIV and deliberately not medicating against it, everything, except the initial short term symptoms, seems alright for 4-5 years until it progresses to AIDS, then the slightest infection becomes lethal and can be sought in order to die.

 

[PanaxMan]

I'm going to take SN soon. All my previous attempts have failed or been stopped because I was around other people. But with SN, I can die alone, without anyone to stop me.

It's funny, I'm not scared of dying, but I'm really scared of dying alone. Alone in this big apartment I wanted to change my life in, when I gave life one last shot. When I thought maybe I had a chance, that even though life felt like hell, I had and deserved a chance too. How wrong I was.

Every day since I've gotten my concussion, I barely leave my bed or desk. Whenever I wander to another part of my apartment, I wonder to myself, "was my apartment always this big?"

I look at the items my mom had left behind from her last visit, the things I need to give my friends, other things from people that hurt to look at.

I live in a country that prioritizes being alone, or at least is accustomed to people being alone. I know that the moment I ingest the SN, no one is going to find me or come looking for me for weeks, if not months. I know no one is going to call the cops at least for 2 weeks. No one is going to check in on me for a while. I wish I wouldn't be alone when I die. I wish I could at least see my mom. It won't make me want to die any less/more, I just don't want to be alone when it happens, but I don't have a choice. If I take SN the whole point is to not be found.

I've steeled myself when it comes to dying, I have 0 regrets, and every day I'm alive since my past attempts, it hasn't gotten better, even if I tried to. My only regrets is not having taken the leap of faith sooner. I know with SN the goal is to take it quietly, alone, and disappear. I don't want to go alone, but I don't have a choice. It's sad.

I hope my mother doesn't mourn me too much.

Well that's Japan for ya along with the neet problem over there, I wish you luck my Japanese brother