mold
local fungi
- Jun 25, 2019
- 132
I'm going to take SN soon. All my previous attempts have failed or been stopped because I was around other people. But with SN, I can die alone, without anyone to stop me.
It's funny, I'm not scared of dying, but I'm really scared of dying alone. Alone in this big apartment I wanted to change my life in, when I gave life one last shot. When I thought maybe I had a chance, that even though life felt like hell, I had and deserved a chance too. How wrong I was.
Every day since I've gotten my concussion, I barely leave my bed or desk. Whenever I wander to another part of my apartment, I wonder to myself, "was my apartment always this big?"
I look at the items my mom had left behind from her last visit, the things I need to give my friends, other things from people that hurt to look at.
I live in a country that prioritizes being alone, or at least is accustomed to people being alone. I know that the moment I ingest the SN, no one is going to find me or come looking for me for weeks, if not months. I know no one is going to call the cops at least for 2 weeks. No one is going to check in on me for a while. I wish I wouldn't be alone when I die. I wish I could at least see my mom. It won't make me want to die any less/more, I just don't want to be alone when it happens, but I don't have a choice. If I take SN the whole point is to not be found.
I've steeled myself when it comes to dying, I have 0 regrets, and every day I'm alive since my past attempts, it hasn't gotten better, even if I tried to. My only regrets is not having taken the leap of faith sooner. I know with SN the goal is to take it quietly, alone, and disappear. I don't want to go alone, but I don't have a choice. It's sad.
I hope my mother doesn't mourn me too much.
It's funny, I'm not scared of dying, but I'm really scared of dying alone. Alone in this big apartment I wanted to change my life in, when I gave life one last shot. When I thought maybe I had a chance, that even though life felt like hell, I had and deserved a chance too. How wrong I was.
Every day since I've gotten my concussion, I barely leave my bed or desk. Whenever I wander to another part of my apartment, I wonder to myself, "was my apartment always this big?"
I look at the items my mom had left behind from her last visit, the things I need to give my friends, other things from people that hurt to look at.
I live in a country that prioritizes being alone, or at least is accustomed to people being alone. I know that the moment I ingest the SN, no one is going to find me or come looking for me for weeks, if not months. I know no one is going to call the cops at least for 2 weeks. No one is going to check in on me for a while. I wish I wouldn't be alone when I die. I wish I could at least see my mom. It won't make me want to die any less/more, I just don't want to be alone when it happens, but I don't have a choice. If I take SN the whole point is to not be found.
I've steeled myself when it comes to dying, I have 0 regrets, and every day I'm alive since my past attempts, it hasn't gotten better, even if I tried to. My only regrets is not having taken the leap of faith sooner. I know with SN the goal is to take it quietly, alone, and disappear. I don't want to go alone, but I don't have a choice. It's sad.
I hope my mother doesn't mourn me too much.
