Discussion No one can ever truly turn to you and say, "I understand your pain"

[Moroze]

The only person who can begin to understand it is you. For someone else to truly grasp what you're going through, they would have to step inside your mind and your body, feel every memory, every scar, every echo of what you've lived through. And even then, understanding your pain is not a moment. It's a lifelong journey, a horrible lifelong journey.

 

[FoxSauce]

True that's why I always say : hey I may not understand your exact pain but if felt it.

Or : I know how you feel not all of it but some if it

(Idk if this is a good response) if not let me know idk if im being idk ignorant

 

[Forever Sleep]

True. It's not just experiencing the same life events too. To know them, we would have to become them too. We all react differently to problems.

I think we generally say this because we think what we have gone through is too awful to describe or relate to. We probably would hope that by actually experiencing our life, a person would become more empathetic/ sympathetic.

It's an interesting idea though. How can we be sure that the pain we're in/ have gone through is so much worse than the pain someone else has experienced? If this were a reality and, they could live in our shoes for a period, what if they gave them back and told us we had it easier than them? It could actually work in reverse- where people showed less sympathy.

It's true though. I suppose we'll never really know how it is to live as someone else. I agree with @FoxSauce though. Part of trying to relate to someone is trying to remember a time we felt the same. I think that's why it seems like those who have suffered themselves seem (to me) to have the most empathy for others. We know vaguely what it's like to feel those negative emotions. We may not know exactly but, we know enough to realise it's awful.

Are you frustrated/ annoyed when people claim to know your pain OP?

 

[Pluto]

 

[Britney Spears]

Never, ever. Not even my family. That's why they believe in the psychiatrists who've seen me. And since everything is mental, I'm not going to get better, and I'm not going to get better because I don't want to. Because it's invisible. If I had terminal cancer, I'd say: I wouldn't have it removed because I don't want to, despite the treatments and how incurable it is. They believe that what is invisible is curable and treatable, but sometimes it isn't

 

[FoxSauce]

Never, ever. Not even my family. That's why they believe in the psychiatrists who've seen me. And since everything is mental, I'm not going to get better, and I'm not going to get better because I don't want to. Because it's invisible. If I had terminal cancer, I'd say: I wouldn't have it removed because I don't want to, despite the treatments and how incurable it is. They believe that what is invisible is curable and treatable, but sometimes it isn't

What the heck? So if they cant see it its idk can magically be fixed?

So let me ask, so they think your mental struggles can be fixed how?

 

[Britney Spears]

What the heck? So if they cant see it its idk can magically be fixed?

So let me ask, so they think your mental struggles can be fixed how?

There's no magic wand; it all depends on us, according to the hellish psychiatrists and psychologists. And in the end, if you don't want to get better, it's because you don't; that's the bottom line. That's how psychiatry works, and my family supports it. Mental illness is still very unknown. So, they come and say, "Oh, he committed suicide because he didn't want to get better (since it was all mental)." It helps some, but not others, and when you've tried everything, they think it's curable, and you don't get better because you don't want to. When you've done everything possible, with pills and psychologists, and you see you can't take it anymore. Anyway. They try to guess; no one knows you better than yourself and knows what you have. Diagnoses, whatever, and that's it. The family understands them before we do because they're "doctors." If you want to die, it's because you're not right in the head; go to a psychiatric hospital. I've already learned to keep quiet with my family, psychiatrists, and psychologists. I pretend, I pretend I'm getting better.

 

[derpyderpins]

True, but that doesn't mean any level of understanding is impossible.

We can't understand specific pain, but what we can understand is (1) pain, generally; and (2) that we can't understand the severity and exact form of another's pain.

So, some more potentially true statements:

"I understand that you're in pain, and that it is difficult." "I understand that I can't know how difficult your pain is, or how much you're carrying." "I understand that your pain is unique." "I hate that you have to feel this pain." "I want to help relieve the pain, because I know pain generally, even if I can't directly understand your pain and unique situation." "I understand that I can't expect your pain to behave or react the same as pain I have known."

 

[isthisit?]

No one can feel your pain. Understanding it is still possible and has been done.

 

[maplefig]

Totally agree with that.

"I can't understand your pain but I wish things were better for you.". I wish I heard more of this in my life rather than dismissal and empty platitudes.

 

[divinemistress87]

Totally agree with that.

"I can't understand your pain but I wish things were better for you.". I wish I heard more of this in my life rather than dismissal and empty platitudes.

Especially if this came from parents

 

[WeepingWorm]

I'm sure there are plenty of people in much worse pain than me, both physically and mentally. I might just be too weak and worthless, and after more than a decade, permanently damaged. But then suffering is a subjective measure, so there is truth to your words.
However, if you mean the average person, then yeah, they have very shallow tolerance to sad or painful things. I imagine that most average people would reasonably kill themselves without a second thought like ten years ago if they had to be me with my lifestyle.

 

[33K1LLM3]

It's usually 'I understand your pain' then what do they do they do, take away parts of my life and dehumanise me because 'they understand my pain' then upset when I become more distressed.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I couldn't find the quote, but a wise forum user of old said something like "my life has gotten way easier when I stopped trying/wanting people to understand me."

 

[BimbleBob]

The only person who can begin to understand it is you. For someone else to truly grasp what you're going through, they would have to step inside your mind and your body, feel every memory, every scar, every echo of what you've lived through. And even then, understanding your pain is not a moment. It's a lifelong journey, a horrible lifelong journey.

I think about this often. You should read Wittgenstein, he often talks about the limits of language and how every word elicits different emotions and meanings for every individual. That we all live in our own internal worlds with our own relative feelings and language is our shitty attempt at bridging those worlds. I can say I am sad, as can you, but what sad is to us is defined by the lives we've lived and the thoughts we have, so even if we believe we are relating to one another through our shared sadness, we couldn't be further apart.

It tears me up inside sometimes, as it makes me believe that genuine connection with another human being is not possible. Maybe the key is not to understand the other in their entirety, but for both parties to acknowledge that the other suffers. It's to know that both your reasons for suffering are completely individual and unknowable, but these circumstances have warranted you to decide that yes, you do suffer, and you can relate to and understand the fact you both suffer even if you cannot know how they suffer.

I think this is how true empathy words. A lot of people say that empathy is putting yourself in the other person's shoes, but I do not believe this. Think of a child who's favourite toy has broken, and they begin to cry. If we were to put ourselves in their shoes, we'd think "It's just a toy, I can just get another one, or I'll get over it eventually.", so we end up thinking the child is unreasonable. Instead, I think the key is to imagine a time when you lost a person or item that was valuable to you. Let's say your best friend dies, it gave you an overwhelming sense of loss, the same feeling of loss that child is feeling. The key to empathy is to relate a feeling you experienced to what they are experiencing, rather than trying to feel exactly what they feel. It's all relative.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Yeah this is completely true. I'll probably ctb next year. My ex said he wants to be friends at some point. Idk if I will, but I might end up mentioning that I'm going to ctb that year and a big reason is because I can't, for the life of me, find a boyfriend. When we broke up he said HE'D have a harder time finding someone else
DUDE YOU'VE BEEN DATING SINCE HIGHSCHOOL I ONLY GOT MY FIRST BOYFRIEND AT 2 FUCKING 1. WHILE WE WERE DATING SOME RANDOM WOMAN WALKED UP TO YOU AND GAVE YOU HER NUMBER. YOU CAN FIND WOMEN WHO WANT TO DATE YOU
I have to question whether dating someone you aren't attracted to is better than being alone. I think my answer is no so I'm just going to ctb. This shit will never get better. I'm either ugly and no one wants to be honest with me or there's just something fundamentally wrong with me.
And men always act like because you're a woman then you just have a line of men willing to date you and if you can't find someone it's because you have too high standards. I'm attracted to average looking guys, fuck I've been attracted to guys that some might not have been considered average looking, but they had a nice personality and that made me attracted to them. I think men like to ignore the fact that ugly women exist and our experience in dating is very different to that of average/attractive women. I don't have a line of guys trying to date me. I was only able to get one guy to want to go on a date with me.
I can't make friends. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm working on being a better person, but none of that fucking matters.
Most people say ctb because you can't get a partner is dumb, but those people probably either had no trouble dating or actually like being alone. I'm not saying I don't like being alone, just that I want someone to spend time with and come home to.
And the thing is logically I know it's a really dumb reason, but emotionally I can't separate the pain from the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. No one can really understand the emotions tied to your experiences, so no one else can really understand how you feel.