I don't think that I've ever had any motivation to exist, I don't even know what that would be like. I see nothing appealing about being here and I've never wished to exist at all. I simply despise existing and I find just being awake and aware of all this to be such a dreadful thing. Falling asleep forever really does sound like such a wonderful thing, it's so unfortunate how we have to struggle so much to voluntarily die.