Venting No method. Days just keep getting worse.

[numbhouse]

Cheesy as hell I guess and this all sounds stupid and overdone but there's no hope for me. Everything keeps getting worse and my own mother is trying to force me into "seeking mental help" although no matter how many times I'm admitted to the mental ward it never works. I've been misdiagnosed nearly my entire life and I'd much rather pass than spill my traumas to someone who's only real concern is their next paycheck, at least in the state I live in. I figure what's the point in trying to get me help when it's never worked and no matter how many pills they stuff me with or "therapy" they try to put me through it'll nevet go away and I'll always have to deal with the crippling dysphoria and voices that never shut up and traumas I can't forget no matter how much I try to drown it out with vintage toys and mediocre artwork that only serves to remind me of the wasted childhood I'll never get because of constant torment that's lasted all these years of my miserable life and I'm barely out of teenagehood. Even if I was emotionally numbed out what do I even have? I'm a high school dropout with no IRL friends and no job that spends all day sleeping and drawing junkfood art bullshit when honestly I lack any talent at all and above that I have some freak who's E-stalking me anyways so it's not like anybody gets to see what I put out anyways. All my life I've wanted nothing more than a stable upbringing and just about any life but my own. Even the most mundane ideas of living give me such envy and it makes me sick that I can't even have that. I can't settle down, I can't get a nice apartment or be in the indie scene or even sustain real-life friendships, I'm an actual loser of a person who's only claim to fame is the fact that I draw characters that aren't even mine in a style a 2nd grader probably could.
Even when I was young I knew I was bound for failure one day or another. Hoping and praying for any possible sense of fantasy to find a way to get me out of whatever hellhole my upbringing had gotten me stuck in. It stings knowing that where other kids were imagining such things for fun, be it fairies or magical talking animals to whisk them away for fun or such, I was doing the same to get me out of my situation, wishing for death even before I knew how horrible things would get. From being forced to sufficate in storage boxes to having such a horrible cocktail of mental illness I might as well be sufficating still.
I sincerely think that nobody in my life legitimately cares and if they do they don't talk to me anyway so why would it even matter? My mom is addicted to painkillers so I guess I could overdose but I'm so much of an uneducated coward that I wouldn't know where to start when it comes to looking at her literal tacklebox hoard of pills and knowing my luck even if I do attempt an overdose I'll vom it up or live through it anyway. I'm too stupid to tie my shoes, let alone tie a noose (too autistic to function truly) and as much as I'd like to cut until I bleed out that hardly works and I'm too much of a pussy to even do that right. I'm poor so I can't order anything and to be honest my best bet at this point is probably jumping in front of a moving vehicle because nobody here knows how to drive. Sorry for all the word salad self-pity but if I'm going to wallow in this miserable filth of my own creation I might as well post it somewhere I guess. I just wish I could CTB as soon as possible. I'm so tired.

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

mediocre artwork

All art is great to someone! If you showed yours to everyone, there'd be people who find something they love :)

word salad

Love that! gunna refer to my posts as "word salads" from now on xD

 

[SilentSadness]

That is a horrific and vivid description you have portrayed, I cannot even imagine going through all of that. The mental health services have never worked for me either and you can practically see them thinking of their paycheck, yet most people will relentlessly forward you to them until you stop complaining. It's devastating that people like us aren't allowed to ctb because of the harmful delusions of pro-lifers, but I have realised that their views will never change. We live in a very toxic society which persecutes suicidal people, and I have seen the incredible lack of empathy that you've been given so many times. I also have no method and am stuck here aimlessly. I would be dead many years ago if I had a method, and my desire to die burns within me. Sadly, we will continue to be ignored and looked down upon for the foreseeable future. We are impulsive and mentally unstable children in their eyes.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly can be so awful and tiring feeling trapped in this hellish world, I hate the fact that it's so difficult to finally die, it's disgusts me how humans are denied a way to peacefully and reliably exit without risks and complications. It does sound really horrible what you've been through, I get that it's terrible when existing just continues to get worse with no end to the suffering in sight. But anyway I wish you the best and I hope you eventually find the freedom you search for.