no method and my situation is deteriorating

[itsactuallyover127]

I need to die but I don't have any methods. I have no rifles, no gun laws in my country allow me to get one, my apartment building is only 6 floors so I can't jump and if I could I don't want people to see my body and publish it on gore sites for sadistic edgy 13 year olds, I have no way of getting SN, N, or Cyanide because my mother checks every thing I order as my age does not matter to her because she is the boss of the house and there are cameras in our house everywhere recording. i am not allowed to leave the house without permission and i am not allowed to go onto the balcony or roof without permission without my mom being there as she thinks it's too dangerous for a "Mentally retarded" person like me.
My only option is insulin because I am type 1 diabetic with a huge stockpile but it feels like everyone survives from it so its not viable.
Please help I can't take it anymore it's been 6 months off my meds because my mom opted for religious therapy where someone prays with me on the phone and makes me recite prayers but it doesn't help. The whole house is infested with insects. There are men of the night everywhere. I am being watched and stalked. The screens are displaying messages and numbers again. 127, 127, 127, 127, 127, you know what that means? It means ascii code for "DEL" key. Its proof they need me to delete myself or they will hurt me. THere is no reality anymore and they will come and get me and end me and it will be the end of everyone and I don't want to see my family cut up and mutilated, I must die before it happens. They will kill my family if i stay alive because they are trying to get me. please help. please. I haven't been able to sleep because of it. My mom has to restrain me in bed until i fall asleep and im sick of it i don't want to be like this and i have university in a month but ic ant do it the paranoia will end me because i will be in an actual threat and someone can attack me and they can kill me there and i will embarras myself there and bring shame to the family. life has been so scary. i need to end it.
I attempted partial hanging before while having a breakdown following the megathread on this site but it didn't work as I kept choking and my SI made me untangle myself.
I attempted before with one of my ocd meds and antipyschotics but I was caught and then rushed to the hospital and survived. I dont have meds anymore to try it again and i can't buy them without prescription.
I am in Egypt if you can help me get SN or N or Cyanide or any other thing that help me end it locally. thank you.
also please don't make fun of me and tell me "stop worrying, it's not real" I don't care if it's not real because to me it has the same mental effects as if it was real because to me this is my reality and it's daily I feel this way thank you. I just want advice on methodology to end it or maybe advice on how to cope or how to get back on meds or something i dont know this is my last hope because i dont know any people life except my mom and little siblings and they can't help me with this

 

[dreamcatcher90]

I guess you are still very young. With proper medication and care your situation could improve a lot. In your case, I would try my best to hold on for a while. Life can turn around and eventually, it might get better.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum. WTF - "religious therapy". That only makes everything worse.

It seems you have psychosis and you need meds and professional medical help to get that under control.

 

[itsactuallyover127]

Welcome to the forum. WTF - "religious therapy". That only makes everything worse.

It seems you have psychosis and you need meds and professional medical help to get that under control.

thank you for the welcome, I lurked here for years but only made an account now out of despair
i can't get help or meds because my mom doesn't believe in these things anymore and i fear that i will do something wrong while in university next month and get taken by the police or sent to a mental institute and here in my country they are very horrible. my dad's cousin has schizophrenia (it runs in the family) and when the police got him after a suicide attempt and he was violent, they arrested him, locked him in a jail cell, then transferred him to the mental institute where he said that they use electric shock therapy and they would torture him there and i'm scared the same will happen i would rather not be here than face that.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

You are unfortunately suffering from a psychotic (has nothing to do with psychopathy) episode. You can temporarily cope by rationalising your sensory experiences. Despite what your mind tells you, it cannot be true that the house is full of insects, etc. You might or might not have schizophrenia. Psychosis can occur in extreme duress especially when a mental illness is already present.

It could also be the current meds you're on, or rather, the fact that you stopped them (possibly cold turkey?). Many psychiatric medication can induce hallucinations, and a simple fix might be to tell your psychiatrist that you would like to switch medication because the side effects are making your life miserable.

Unfortunately you live in Egypt and I'm not sure how mental illness is handled there, but I guess it's not good. Your mother sounds misinformed about mental health.

People with persistent psychosis can live normal lives but they have to control it through medication. It might not even be lifelong medication.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

thank you for the welcome, I lurked here for years but only made an account now out of despair
i can't get help or meds because my mom doesn't believe in these things anymore and i fear that i will do something wrong while in university next month and get taken by the police or sent to a mental institute and here in my country they are very horrible. my dad's cousin has schizophrenia (it runs in the family) and when the police got him after a suicide attempt and he was violent, they arrested him, locked him in a jail cell, then transferred him to the mental institute where he said that they use electric shock therapy and they would torture him there and i'm scared the same will happen i would rather not be here than face that.

Does she "force" you to to go to university? Despair is certainly not a good base to plan an attempt and it seems you have very limited options bc they lock you up at home. This is horrible what happened to your dad's cousin. You're right, it's better to be gone than to experience such a horrible treatment. Idk how I could help you but it'd doable to acquire SN and the most necessary meds where you live but it would be so much better if your parents stopped believing religious BS and that magically there's a cure after only praying hard enough. They should support you with the necessary medical help.

 

[jyko]

People seemingly missing that youve mentioned and are repeating you don't have access to meds because of your mother and this is no safe mental space to be in mixed in with "religious therapy". She shouldn't be withholding such seemingly vital medication from you and I'm sorry that she is op. I can see that you're atleast a little aware of the psychotic episode you're in and I'm so sorry it's so bad for you - I'm not going to try to tell you it's not real because I don't have psychosis and it would be cruel of me to try to help someone as a person entirely misinformed. As for ways to cope or maybe try to get on some kind of track, it seems your mom is the biggest "obstacle" for you to get back into proper care and without her being informed, I know you mentioned you can't leave the house without permission, is there any way you could lie or sneak out to try to make it to a nearby hospital and just word-vomit all of your feelings and experiences to them? I know people might boo me for that but that's kind of the only route I can think for getting back on meds. That or just trying to be as brutally honest with ur mom as possible. I'm truly just brainstorming here because this sounds like an awful situation op and very restrictive for getting any kind of care

 

[GuessWhosBack]

If you think it's safe to do so, I would get in contact with the psychiatrist that was treating you and explain to them your predicament, they must have some contact info online.

Maybe reach out to any organisation in Egypt that deals with mental health. I'm not sure if they exist or if they're trustworthy.

 

[itsactuallyover127]

Does she "force" you to to go to university? Despair is certainly not a good base to plan an attempt and it seems you have very limited options bc they lock you up at home. This is horrible what happened to your dad's cousin. You're right, it's better to be gone than to experience such a horrible treatment. Idk how I could help you but it'd doable to acquire SN and the most necessary meds where you live but it would be so much better if your parents stopped believing religious BS and that magically there's a cure after only praying hard enough. They should support you with the necessary medical help.

Yes I must go to university, she is the one who submitted my application and she chose the closet one that is 15 minutes away from our house so I can be close to her. i know she cares about me and this is why she tries to protect me like this but i wish she didn't me make me so stressed to talk to her because she gets angry if i say that the religious therapy doesn't work and tells me i have weak faith, so i always lie and say that i feel better after it and i always pray and read the holy book and things like that to prove to her i have good faith and whenever i have a problem or get agitated or act strange she tells me "didn't we outgrow this phase? this is your fault, you must have missed prayers" even though i don't miss them and i always do them. last time i met dad, i overhead her saying to him that she is sick of me acting like a toddler and that she thinks i am faking it and that i don't have any actual problems.

If you think it's safe to do so, I would get in contact with the psychiatrist that was treating you and explain to them your predicament, they must have some contact info online.

Maybe reach out to any organisation in Egypt that deals with mental health. I'm not sure if they exist or if they're trustworthy.

I can't. I saw like 5 psychiatrists over my life time and I can't remember any of their names or their contacts and the last time i went to one was way back in January. all the medication I had has been thrown out so I don't have any way of seeing the names of the doctors who prescribed them.

People seemingly missing that youve mentioned and are repeating you don't have access to meds because of your mother and this is no safe mental space to be in mixed in with "religious therapy". She shouldn't be withholding such seemingly vital medication from you and I'm sorry that she is op. I can see that you're atleast a little aware of the psychotic episode you're in and I'm so sorry it's so bad for you - I'm not going to try to tell you it's not real because I don't have psychosis and it would be cruel of me to try to help someone as a person entirely misinformed. As for ways to cope or maybe try to get on some kind of track, it seems your mom is the biggest "obstacle" for you to get back into proper care and without her being informed, I know you mentioned you can't leave the house without permission, is there any way you could lie or sneak out to try to make it to a nearby hospital and just word-vomit all of your feelings and experiences to them? I know people might boo me for that but that's kind of the only route I can think for getting back on meds. That or just trying to be as brutally honest with ur mom as possible. I'm truly just brainstorming here because this sounds like an awful situation op and very restrictive for getting any kind of care

I can't sneak out because there are cameras everywhere in our house that send notifications to her phone and I suspect my mom might have a tracking device in me.
being honest with my mom will end horribly because she doesn't believe i have an actual issue. this is why i had 5 different doctors before as whenever one of them diagnosed me with an illness and wrote medication, she would get angry and try to find another doctor. i don't know the point of this because it makes no sense to me because she was the one who forced me to go to these doctors due to my behavior and i never asked for it.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Yes I must go to university, she is the one who submitted my application and she chose the closet one that is 15 minutes away from our house so I can be close to her. i know she cares about me and this is why she tries to protect me like this but i wish she didn't me make me so stressed to talk to her because she gets angry if i say that the religious therapy doesn't work and tells me i have weak faith, so i always lie and say that i feel better after it and i always pray and read the holy book and things like that to prove to her i have good faith and whenever i have a problem or get agitated or act strange she tells me "didn't we outgrow this phase? this is your fault, you must have missed prayers" even though i don't miss them and i always do them. last time i met dad, i overhead her saying to him that she is sick of me acting like a toddler and that she thinks i am faking it and that i don't have any actual problems.


I can't. I saw like 5 psychiatrists over my life time and I can't remember any of their names or their contacts and the last time i went to one was way back in January. all the medication I had has been thrown out so I don't have any way of seeing the names of the doctors who prescribed them.


I can't sneak out because there are cameras everywhere in our house that send notifications to her phone and I suspect my mom might have a tracking device in me.
being honest with my mom will end horribly because she doesn't believe i have an actual issue. this is why i had 5 different doctors before as whenever one of them diagnosed me with an illness and wrote medication, she would get angry and try to find another doctor. i don't know the point of this because it makes no sense to me because she was the one who forced me to go to these doctors due to my behavior and i never asked for it.

I would seek out a psychiatrist online and see if you can get them to visit. Can you check if you corresponded via email with your previous psychiatrists? Maybe you remember the clinic and you could call them.

 

[itsactuallyover127]

I would seek out a psychiatrist online and see if you can get them to visit. Can you check if you corresponded via email with your previous psychiatrists? Maybe you remember the clinic and you could call them.

a psychiatrist online will do nothing to improve my situation and i don't trust online doctors cause they can fake their degree easily.
i know on my mother's phone she probably has the numbers of the previously visited clinics or doctors saved on whatsapp but i dont know the phone's password and i know something terrible will happen if i use her phone.
i dont remember the name of the clinic as i would be always forced to go there so i wouldn't bother and try to ignore it. i have been having memory issues and being very forgetful lately so sorry for that.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This is such a tough and complicated situation you're trapped in.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

a psychiatrist online will do nothing to improve my situation and i don't trust online doctors cause they can fake their degree easily.
i know on my mother's phone she probably has the numbers of the previously visited clinics or doctors saved on whatsapp but i dont know the phone's password and i know something terrible will happen if i use her phone.
i dont remember the name of the clinic as i would be always forced to go there so i wouldn't bother and try to ignore it. i have been having memory issues and being very forgetful lately so sorry for that.

No need to apologise for anything.
I meant contacting a psychiatrist online to come visit you at home, perhaps. I know your mother will not approve but you cannot live like this.
The University you're going to - does it offer mental health services to its students?

 

[itsactuallyover127]

No need to apologise for anything.
I meant contacting a psychiatrist online to come visit you at home, perhaps. I know your mother will not approve but you cannot live like this.
The University you're going to - does it offer mental health services to its students?

i can't let any random guy enter the house and mom wouldnt let a stranger in anyways
also no, the university does not

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible, it's truly so incredibly cruel how people suffer so much in this existence all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens.