Story no in-between

[Insomniac]

the worst part about being chronically suicidal is you're constantly on the edge of life and death. the highs are (relativelyyyyyy) too high and the lows are too low.

I was suddenly feeling hopeful on friday night and thought that maybe I found the key to lasting peace of mind. I thought that maybe life could get "bright" (my definition "bright" is below the general standard though).

and then now. I realize that I slipped into delusional thinking again.

I had already promised myself that I'd never get delusional again, but the mind is just irresistibly drawn to wishful thinking. It's a really sad dance to witness.

 

[cambrai33]

It's easy to be seduced by hope, it swirls around looking for an easy way in but it's a falsehood and seldom endures.

Whilst I don't seek to comment on anyones else's state of mind for me personally it's stick with the plan no matter what happens elsewhere buts that's just me.

You should do what feels right for you, we are all different but I understand how things change constantly

 

[Insomniac]

I understand how things change constantly

for me personally it's stick with the plan no matter what happens elsewhere

my inability to keep my word and stick to a plan is what led me to being suicidal. but it's also what keeps me from ending it.

I'm so tired of being in this loop. I can't get out no matter how desperate I am.

 

[Chinaski]

the worst part about being chronically suicidal is you're constantly on the edge of life and death. the highs are (relativelyyyyyy) too high and the lows are too low.

I was suddenly feeling hopeful on friday night and thought that maybe I found the key to lasting peace of mind. I thought that maybe life could get "bright" (my definition "bright"

the worst part about being chronically suicidal is you're constantly on the edge of life and death. the highs are (relativelyyyyyy) too high and the lows are too low.

I was suddenly feeling hopeful on friday night and thought that maybe I found the key to lasting peace of mind. I thought that maybe life could get "bright" (my definition "bright" is below the general standard though).

and then now. I realize that I slipped into delusional thinking again.

I had already promised myself that I'd never get delusional again, but the mind is just irresistibly drawn to wishful thinking. It's a really sad dance to witness.

A lot of people who are fleetingly suicidal will describe it as an intrusive thought, an impulse nagging at them as they try and cope with whatever is plaguing them them. Once they make it through, this intrusion ceases. I've experienced it myself, many times, to the point where l recognised it and knew I'd just have to sweat it out until it fucked off and left me alone.

When it's chronic, the inverse is true. The intrusive thoughts are ones of hope, very short and temporary bursts where you essentially gaslight (hate this term, is overly and improperly used these days but it fits here imo) yourself out of the resignation to the inevitable. I too get this on occasion, and can confirm that the slump back to reality is a tough landing.

 

[cambrai33]

my inability to keep my word and sticking to a plan is what led me to being suicidal. but it's also what keeps me from ending it.

I'm so tired of being in this loop. I can't get out no matter how desperate I am.

That's a really tough place to be, I feel for you. The alternatives from my perspective are as follows:

Grab onto a possibility of hope and exploit it for all you can in the hope you get out of the hole

or

Accept that it's always a falsehood and nothing changes unless you find a way to achieve peace

Do you sleep at all? Sleep depravation kills my very soul and capacity for positive thought

 

[Insomniac]

When it's chronic, the inverse is true. The intrusive thoughts are ones of hope, very short and temporary bursts where you essentially gaslight (hate this term, is overly and improperly used these days but it fits here imo) yourself out of the resignation to the inevitable. I too get this on occasion, and can confirm that the slump back to reality is a tough landing.

you put it very well. the chilling fact is that the chronically suicidal has already died and is only superficially maintained alive. wether he commits suicide or not has become irrelevant and that's partly what makes it so hard for that moving corpes to fully let go. it has so little will left that gathering enough just to cut the cord causes it a lot of trouble.

 

[Chinaski]

you put it very well. the chilling fact is that the chronically suicidal has already died and is only superficially maintained alive. wether he commits suicide or not has become irrelevant and that's partly what makes it so hard for that moving corpes to fully let go. it has so little will left that gathering enough just to cut the cord causes it a lot of trouble.

Yeah, I'd fully agree with this, in fact it describes my own situation quite well atm - l suspect many of us are in that limbo I've described on here a few times, where you are absolutely certain of the inevitability of ctb but there's something within, holding you back, preventing you from simply doing it right now, this second, and while you're in this state you are *surviving*, but nothing more.

 

[FuneralCry]

False hope is painful as it just leads to more suffering when our delusions are shattered. I am glad I have none of it. I wish you the best.

 

[Insomniac]

I am glad I have none of it

but what keeps you alive then?

 

[FuneralCry]

but what keeps you alive then?

It is just the fact that suicide is difficult. Many people have existed for a long time in hopeless situations. I lack a peaceful/reliable way to exit and there is the fear of failure. I believe it will take a certain mental state for me to actually go through with ctb, when I reach the point of desperation and the pain of living gets to be unbearable.

 

[little helpers]

the chilling fact is that the chronically suicidal has already died and is only superficially maintained alive. wether he commits suicide or not has become irrelevant and that's partly what makes it so hard for that moving corpes to fully let go. it has so little will left that gathering enough just to cut the cord causes it a lot of trouble.

you spoke my mind.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

you put it very well. the chilling fact is that the chronically suicidal has already died and is only superficially maintained alive. wether he commits suicide or not has become irrelevant and that's partly what makes it so hard for that moving corpes to fully let go. it has so little will left that gathering enough just to cut the cord causes it a lot of trouble.

Ghosts