No Going Back.

[NG_Kasumi]

I just realized that once you develope a suicidal mental state there is no going back to the older "you".

My suicidal ideation started in 2016. Few years have passed I tried to get better. I found a new hobbies, got a job in my mom's workplace, started learning new things in life. But the suicidal toughts never went away.

It's like a stalker. One day you are doing well, everything is positive in your life and then "Boom!" The suicidal ideation pops up out of all of a sudden.

Once you develope a suicidal ideation, it's like you unlocked the meaning of life itself. You realize that everything that has happened and will happen to you and everyone else is useless and futile.

To this day, I wish for humanity to go extict. Be it from a meteor the size of Russia, or every single volcano in the Ring of Fire errupts at the same time. Just let the animals and mother nature reclaim this world we call Earth.

 

[Onthe29th]

I haven't been like this for too long but I don't know if I'll ever be the same. Everyday, I wallow in my regrets and it's destroying my relationships. I just want it all to end. I'm tired of feeling so miserable everyday.

 

[NG_Kasumi]

I haven't been like this for too long but I don't know if I'll ever be the same. Everyday, I wallow in my regrets and it's destroying my relationships. I just want it all to end. I'm tired of feeling so miserable everyday.

I'm expriencing it right now. Damn it, it's New Years Eve here at my place and what am I doing? Hiding under a blanket in my bed.

 

[fox_wannabe]

It got stable for me after few months. Tho I still plan to die.

 

[Lifessocruel]

So true, being only in this state for only a few months feels like a lifetime. it feels like the future has already been decided no matter how much i try getting on with life the way i used to.

 

[Aeathelina]

That explains why it feels that I'll never reclaim the "old" me ... the one that had dreams.
I remember praying to God and the Devil, back when I believed in those things. I prayed that they would take my soul because I hated being alive and being a burden to those I loved

 

[watsonsmith]

My suicidal ideation started pretty much when I became conscious as a child. I lacked stability in my childhood and meeting my father at the age of 5 who took out his hatred for my mother on me in very insidious ways destroyed my self-esteem.

I somehow managed between 12 and 25, mostly because I discovered alcohol. I managed to have relationships and finished university, yet at the break of what was to be a dream career with the love of my life by my side, all that insecurity finally started coming out. I have been through 7 circles of hell since then unfolding over the last 7 years of my life. At 32, I cannot recall a time when I did not consider suicide, unless I was too busy with grinding myself into the ground working on projects or blindly drunk at night hiding away from everyone.

I wish I had ended it a long time ago before I brought all the shame and guilt I now have on top of the underlying misery I felt throughout my entire life. I hurt the love of my life with my constant malcontent and inability to be stable.

I agree, once it starts you realise, even subconsciously that it is coming from a place that seemingly has no resolution. I now know it does... only it is too late for me having accumulated the consequences of so many actions I took in this suicidal state.

It is a downward spiral.

 

[Z-bar]

I just realized that once you develope a suicidal mental state there is no going back to the older "you".

My suicidal ideation started in 2016. Few years have passed I tried to get better. I found a new hobbies, got a job in my mom's workplace, started learning new things in life. But the suicidal toughts never went away.

It's like a stalker. One day you are doing well, everything is positive in your life and then "Boom!" The suicidal ideation pops up out of all of a sudden.

Once you develope a suicidal ideation, it's like you unlocked the meaning of life itself. You realize that everything that has happened and will happen to you and everyone else is useless and futile.

To this day, I wish for humanity to go extict. Be it from a meteor the size of Russia, or every single volcano in the Ring of Fire errupts at the same time. Just let the animals and mother nature reclaim this world we call Earth.

Everything you said hits home for me. How it comes and goes through not only bad times but in great times as well. It is like a stalker. This whole post hit the nail on the head for me. If nothing else, know that I completely understand where you are coming from.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think once you have considered suicide as an option, you can never fully move on. Even if things improve, I believe that if you end up in a crisis again, you are likely to automatically consider suicide, as it has been an option in the past. I wish you the best, I know this life can be very tiring and it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering.

 

[Crazy4u]

It doesn't go away because it makes sense. There is so much suffering in the world. Unless your life changes 180 degrees, you won't be able to "go back" to the days before suicidal ideation.

 

[Sunset Limited]

If you open the door, you can't close it. Although we are programmed to live, our primitive brain also likes to take the shortest route to gain. Once you're convinced that CTB is the easy way to get to the end without having to go through all the agonizing obstacles, it's too late. The subconscious mind is convinced of this, it demands both your survival and the CTB. Here is the worst case scenario living with it.