Venting No familiar names--the user turnover in this site is so fast....

[Helpneedtips]

I've been away some time away attempting recovery. At first it was okay, then things got bad, then my ctb urges became too much that I wanted to open this site again to, i don't know, seek "comfort", familiarity from a crowd who understand how this feels.

I've been scrolling away for the past hour, and I've never seen a familiar name in the forums so far. I've never personally DM'ed or been close to anyone here (or anywhere really, it's just not in my nature. Sometimes I feel like an outsider looking in on this world, whether real or online) but there's a certain familiarity in seeing names frequently in the forums. Like, ah, I know this person. That person has similar thoughts as me. That one has interesting outlook, etc.

People come and go in this site so fast. It's just the nature of suicide, or mental health forums I guess. Everyday, so many new members join, and it makes me feel awful that so many are in so much pain. So many disappear too, and I just have to wonder whether they have recovered or whether they're gone from this world. It just makes me...sad? Melancholic, i guess? Selfishly, i also feel estranged after coming back after a pretty long time. I'll get used to it, just like I do with other things, but this always crosses my mind whenever i peek back here so i kinda

---

had to get it out.

 

[juraviel]

well, see my opinion's that people who post hundreds and thousands of posts are doing something really risky. because by spending this much time on a suicide forum you're reinforcing all those believes you have about life, positive or negative, that put you here in the first place. as soon you as get better you wanna get off here asap. i said before, you either commit to living or commit to dying.. and around here, ruminating around death is just inevitable. i understand find people comfort too, of course. however i don't think there are studies showing long term stay in such places as this does much good to a person's mental state. for the past week i made 3 posts i think, and before i was spamming 10 a day. but i'll be focusing full time on recovery now (as one should) and so hopefully this is it from me, for a while at least.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

as one should

Nobody should be focusing on recovery. It is entirely a personal choice, and there is nothing wrong or lesser about dwelling on death all the time.

 

[juraviel]

Nobody should be focusing on recovery. It is entirely a personal choice, and there is nothing wrong or lesser about dwelling on death all the time.

i don't mean "should" as in morally righteous sort of way (of course?). im just expressing my opinion on the best course of action.. that's all..

 

[Buffy5120]

yup same here

 

[LadyAlastor]

Nobody should be focusing on recovery. It is entirely a personal choice, and there is nothing wrong or lesser about dwelling on death all the time.

You are my f****** hero, and you have my favorite f****** sailor scout seriously that meant a lot you are an absolute badass and if I could kiss you I would, but maybe this picture will suffice

 

[OnlyTheWind]

You are my f****** hero, and you have my favorite f****** sailor scout seriously that meant a lot you are an absolute badass and if I could kiss you I would, but maybe this picture will sufficeView attachment 75391

Aw thanks! Serena is my favorite too.

 

[Apricity]

The best course of action is relative to the individual person and their unique set of circumstances.

As for the turnover rate, yes it is high, but as a good portion of users come here looking for a way out of life, it's to be expected. I've met some good people here that are no longer alive. Some I'm glad for and others I'm sad for but, at the end of it all, they got what they wanted.

There's one user in particular I think of often. I talked to her daily on a chat app, until she sent me the message "Hey, I'm going to ctb today." I never heard from her again. She's one of the ones I'm sad for, as I honestly believe that she had the potential to be happy in life but was just stuck in a horrible situation.

I'm very close to going myself, now that I have everything I need. I'm just making some final arrangements for my cremation, getting my legal and financial stuff in order, and deciding on a date or an event after which I will go.

I've tried recovery, but found it unhelpful. Therapy and medication don't remove the root causes of my desire to die, they just mask them; they're still there, ugly and sore underneath, like infected wounds covered with bandaids. I wonder if my cats will miss me.

 

[Marktheghost]

I'm still here.

 

[LadyAlastor]

Aw thanks! Serena is my favorite too.

I figured you would enjoy this as much as I do.

 

[FuneralCry]

On a site like this, many people do not stay for long. Some ctb, some recover or some just leave. That is what life is like in general, things change and people move on. Nothing ever lasts. In my case, I should have ctb already, but here I am still living this empty existence.

 

[Whale_bones]

well, see my opinion's that people who post hundreds and thousands of posts are doing something really risky. because by spending this much time on a suicide forum you're reinforcing all those believes you have about life, positive or negative, that put you here in the first place. as soon you as get better you wanna get off here asap. i said before, you either commit to living or commit to dying.. and around here, ruminating around death is just inevitable. i understand find people comfort too, of course. however i don't think there are studies showing long term stay in such places as this does much good to a person's mental state. for the past week i made 3 posts i think, and before i was spamming 10 a day. but i'll be focusing full time on recovery now (as one should) and so hopefully this is it from me, for a while at least.

This forum is one of the very few places where I can be honest and not feel like I'm pressured by the constant false stereotype that I'm "reinforcing negative beliefs" and "ruminating" about death. I don't "believe" in negative things; my traumatic experiences were negative, that's just reality, and much of society's attitude is to shove it away and pretend it never exists. In other spaces, what I've lived through is too dark or too upsetting and no one wants to imagine it, so they don't want to hear about it. But I don't just have to hear about it; I live it, it's my reality.

This is the case with many other people who have lived through childhood abuse and chronic abuse, and being able to be honest about it for once is incredibly healing and healthy. I don't have to act like things that happened are okay when I know they're not. I don't have to pretend it will get better when I've already been through years of treatment and therapy. Being able to be open about my thoughts and emotions, reading and talking with others who have been through the same things is extremely helpful to me.

I can understand that it's different if you're someone for whom depression and CTB urges are new or are something that isn't always present. If there is a chance to recover, then that is wonderful and no one should hang around a site if it's causing bad feelings that wouldn't be there otherwise. But it's important to remember that many people also have lifelong, incurable mental and physical conditions, and their entire life has been just as dark for decades before they ever signed onto this site. For them, it's something very different than it is for you. We don't need to have any theories about how this site affects all users, because each person can use it in the way they need it.