Venting Nightmare about death and safety

[LonelyKitten]

Man. I am so at my limits with this life.
Sleeping at an airport, and as with everything else having to use that as a pitstop to "decide" what to do next.

I am greeted with a vivid nightmare about exactly the kind of safety (from a functional family that I wish I had instead of the one I was born into) and the kind of lack of self-sabotage/harm I had needed.
Just pointing out the sheer disconnect in what I want/need and have is enough to send me waking up in shambles.

Ironically, as soon as I wake up, real life greets me with a message of an SN order being close to delivery...
I don't know if this is to goad me into returning, if briefly, to that hellscape I seek to escape forver in any case, to pick some things up (which I see as a dangerous move).

But potential actions aside, the messaging is priceless.
Yesterday, I had a different vivid dream, about seeking and acquiring a form of safety I could technically still gun for at this point, if I was willing to risk everything for it.

So all my dreams have been showing me how I want/wanted to live, while every *waking* day crudely screams "go kill yourself" at me.
Rinse and repeat.

If only the waking days were spent in something akin to that dream world, too...
During my best times, I genuinely managed to somewhat merge the two in real life.
Those were my proudest achievements.

 

[F Sea]

Dreams can change our moods during the day and make us think a lot if they have an impact on us. It is up to us to give these dreams importance during the day but sometimes it's unavoidable.
All of us should have had a supportive and caring family in a positive family environment, with possibilities and help to lead a normal life. This must be wonderful.