LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
Man. I am so at my limits with this life.
Sleeping at an airport, and as with everything else having to use that as a pitstop to "decide" what to do next.
I am greeted with a vivid nightmare about exactly the kind of safety (from a functional family that I wish I had instead of the one I was born into) and the kind of lack of self-sabotage/harm I had needed.
Just pointing out the sheer disconnect in what I want/need and have is enough to send me waking up in shambles.
Ironically, as soon as I wake up, real life greets me with a message of an SN order being close to delivery...
I don't know if this is to goad me into returning, if briefly, to that hellscape I seek to escape forver in any case, to pick some things up (which I see as a dangerous move).
But potential actions aside, the messaging is priceless.
Yesterday, I had a different vivid dream, about seeking and acquiring a form of safety I could technically still gun for at this point, if I was willing to risk everything for it.
So all my dreams have been showing me how I want/wanted to live, while every *waking* day crudely screams "go kill yourself" at me.
Rinse and repeat.
If only the waking days were spent in something akin to that dream world, too...
During my best times, I genuinely managed to somewhat merge the two in real life.
Those were my proudest achievements.
Sleeping at an airport, and as with everything else having to use that as a pitstop to "decide" what to do next.
I am greeted with a vivid nightmare about exactly the kind of safety (from a functional family that I wish I had instead of the one I was born into) and the kind of lack of self-sabotage/harm I had needed.
Just pointing out the sheer disconnect in what I want/need and have is enough to send me waking up in shambles.
Ironically, as soon as I wake up, real life greets me with a message of an SN order being close to delivery...
I don't know if this is to goad me into returning, if briefly, to that hellscape I seek to escape forver in any case, to pick some things up (which I see as a dangerous move).
But potential actions aside, the messaging is priceless.
Yesterday, I had a different vivid dream, about seeking and acquiring a form of safety I could technically still gun for at this point, if I was willing to risk everything for it.
So all my dreams have been showing me how I want/wanted to live, while every *waking* day crudely screams "go kill yourself" at me.
Rinse and repeat.
If only the waking days were spent in something akin to that dream world, too...
During my best times, I genuinely managed to somewhat merge the two in real life.
Those were my proudest achievements.
