Newbie(ish), first post - the loneliness is getting to be a bit much

[kh@l33zi]

Hello friends,

Really, I just wanted to introduce myself. I've been lurking for long enough, that I feel I should either contribute on some level or figure out a different way to spend my time.
The short of my troubles right now is that I'm lonely. Painfully lonely. I didn't realize I dealt with depression on the level that I do until after I went through therapy to address the PTSD caused by my very abusive ex-husband. It wasn't until after we addressed the PTSD that the next layer of issues was revealed, so to speak. Those being depression and suicidality.

I'm out of that marriage, thank God, and living on my own for the first time in my life - and while I do have a really, really, incredible boyfriend who I spend an appreciable amount of time with, the times when I'm alone in my apartment are really hard. I was also recently laid off due to COVID, so there's a lot of alone time for me now, and 900 sq. ft. only goes so far as moveable space and not feeling trapped.

I've always "known" that I wouldn't die a conventional death. Honestly, dying in my sleep sounds terrifying; not being cognizant of my last breath and last thoughts sound like the worst possible way to die. That rules out a lot of painless deaths, unfortunately, but even as I write it, I feel the anxiety setting in at even playing with the thought of a death/suicide where I just fall asleep. Hilariously enough, I actually had a nightmare about it. In my dream, I had taken the SN, and in the dream, I knew I would die if I let myself fall asleep, so....while asleep in real life, I dreamt about not falling asleep...because I would die. Heh, it was weird.

I'm trying really hard to stay busy. I have aspirations of becoming an author (written one novel and working on a few others), or an artist, and have recently begun to dabble in programming, and I enjoy all of those things. It's just the quiet moments when I have the opportunity to really think about the things in my life that I feel truly and deeply miserable. It's in these moments when I'm alone that I really get close to actually putting in motion the steps required to go to my forever home.

Anywhoodles, I hope this post is okay. I really have no one to talk to about this because they freak out, and they deny and they tell me it's not really me, which is really hard to hear, because the fact of the matter is, in this moment, this is me. I am suicidal. I am depressed. I am lonely. And telling me to deny what is clearly truth just makes it that much worse of a burden to bear because it's a reminder that I'm in this by myself.

I think that's been the biggest thing this site has helped me with. Knowing I'm really not by myself in these struggles, and I now have a platform and opportunity to talk about those struggles. Even lurking, I've cried when people have left, I've smiled when they've chosen to stay, I've researched in an environment where I don't feel like a criminal for researching best methods, and I've relied on this site for some semblance of peace when my mind is in chaos.

tldr: I'm new - and I'm wordy - and I really appreciate this site.

 

[Red Dog]

Hello friends,

Really, I just wanted to introduce myself. I've been lurking for long enough, that I feel I should either contribute on some level or figure out a different way to spend my time.
The short of my troubles right now is that I'm lonely. Painfully lonely. I didn't realize I dealt with depression on the level that I do until after I went through therapy to address the PTSD caused by my very abusive ex-husband. It wasn't until after we addressed the PTSD that the next layer of issues was revealed, so to speak. Those being depression and suicidality.

I'm out of that marriage, thank God, and living on my own for the first time in my life - and while I do have a really, really, incredible boyfriend who I spend an appreciable amount of time with, the times when I'm alone in my apartment are really hard. I was also recently laid off due to COVID, so there's a lot of alone time for me now, and 900 sq. ft. only goes so far as moveable space and not feeling trapped.

I've always "known" that I wouldn't die a conventional death. Honestly, dying in my sleep sounds terrifying; not being cognizant of my last breath and last thoughts sound like the worst possible way to die. That rules out a lot of painless deaths, unfortunately, but even as I write it, I feel the anxiety setting in at even playing with the thought of a death/suicide where I just fall asleep. Hilariously enough, I actually had a nightmare about it. In my dream, I had taken the SN, and in the dream, I knew I would die if I let myself fall asleep, so....while asleep in real life, I dreamt about not falling asleep...because I would die. Heh, it was weird.

I'm trying really hard to stay busy. I have aspirations of becoming an author (written one novel and working on a few others), or an artist, and have recently begun to dabble in programming, and I enjoy all of those things. It's just the quiet moments when I have the opportunity to really think about the things in my life that I feel truly and deeply miserable. It's in these moments when I'm alone that I really get close to actually putting in motion the steps required to go to my forever home.

Anywhoodles, I hope this post is okay. I really have no one to talk to about this because they freak out, and they deny and they tell me it's not really me, which is really hard to hear, because the fact of the matter is, in this moment, this is me. I am suicidal. I am depressed. I am lonely. And telling me to deny what is clearly truth just makes it that much worse of a burden to bear because it's a reminder that I'm in this by myself.

I think that's been the biggest thing this site has helped me with. Knowing I'm really not by myself in these struggles, and I now have a platform and opportunity to talk about those struggles. Even lurking, I've cried when people have left, I've smiled when they've chosen to stay, I've researched in an environment where I don't feel like a criminal for researching best methods, and I've relied on this site for some semblance of peace when my mind is in chaos.

tldr: I'm new - and I'm wordy - and I really appreciate this site.

Part of being alone for me is not being able to share...sharing all those things that really. matter....for me that's my perspective...my emotion....my 'mad thoughts'....my love...my hopes...doubts, fears...and this site has opened up a possibility that my last few weeks may be more peaceful than I thought they would. Thankyou.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

This site is wonderful, isn't it? ^_^

I know what it means to feel lonely even when you have a great romantic partner and even other people in your life. I'm lucky enough to still be working (though in a job I hate) and although the people at work are nice enough, they remind me of why I don't belong here. Engaging with people who see life as a gift and who have aspirations for their future causes me to feel more lonely.

SS is the only place I don't feel that.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Welcome.

 

[kh@l33zi]

Part of being alone for me is not being able to share...sharing all those things that really. matter....for me that's my perspective...my emotion....my 'mad thoughts'....my love...my hopes...doubts, fears...and this site has opened up a possibility that my last few weeks may be more peaceful than I thought they would. Thankyou.

I agree - it's incredible how much more peace I have knowing that I can open up about this stuff without fear of [insert whatever we've all had to endure in the past when we opened up].

This site is wonderful, isn't it? ^_^

I know what it means to feel lonely even when you have a great romantic partner and even other people in your life. I'm lucky enough to still be working (though in a job I hate) and although the people at work are nice enough, they remind me of why I don't belong here. Engaging with people who see life as a gift and who have aspirations for their future causes me to feel more lonely.

SS is the only place I don't feel that.

I think the misconception that we often get sucked into is that if we have a lot of people around us, good loving people, then we won't feel this way. It's unhealthy because it puts too much power and responsibility on other people who don't even realize we've put that on them, and it's also a bit like putting a bandaid on an infected wound - all we're going to do is cover up what's really eating at us because we think it's going to fix it, but often times it just makes the infection worse.

Thank you for your feedback and responses, friends :)