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[Ixtab]

It seems to me that thoughts must be almost tearing you apart, Diamond. I'm sorry for your dispair!
Leaving loved ones behind is also my big worry. And I have no clue yet how to solve this ambivalence.
Please feel my empathy!

 

[Lara Francis]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[bigj75]

I appreciate the determination. But I also understand how rough this can be. If there ever comes a time you can't deal with it anymore then I whole heartedly would understand if you did ctb. I want you to keep going for as long as you can for your child. Hopefully things get better for you.

 

[LostGirl]

I am going to tell you to knock it off once. This isn't an exclusive group only for the currently hopeless and currently suicidal. I'm not sure you guys seem to know or remember the point of Sanctioned Suicide anymore to be honest.

We don't condemn people for wanting to proceed with life. Just because they want to move forward doesn't mean they aren't welcome. Sanctioned Suicide was a place to go where people understood and didn't feed you bullshit for being suicidal, a discussion placr for pro-choice, but it also was a place where we still supported and welcomed people who chose life... just because they are choosing life doesn't suddenly mean they are no longer apart of the group and aren't allowed in the discussions or to post anymore..as they still understand the hardships and aren't going to knock anybody down for still choosing ctv.

Not sure where you guys keep getting the idea that people who chose life can't still talk and post here about their journey. There's a recovery tag for a reason. Pro-choice, not pro-death.

Well said.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Because I do want to die..

But you "can't" right now. And you want to express this to people that understand and won't feed you a bunch of bs.

Much much luck.

 

[bigj75]

Also my cousin killed himself he had 3 children. All anyone ever talked about was how could he do that to them. Many would say i could never do that to my children. No one once has said he must of been in so much pain. I brought it up once that I could see his side of view. And everyone looked at me like I was insane.

People are delusional. They don't grasp the concept that no matter who you are if you are in enough pain you would kill yourself regardless of how many children you have.

 

[J Tizzle]

Welcome Diamond. I hope you can find some peace and connection here. Don't feel the need to justify why you are here; it helps to be able to honestly talk about the way you are feeling, and we often cannot do that fully with friends or family. Most of the people here are kind and empathetic. Take care. <3

 

[LostGirl]

People are delusional. They don't grasp the concept that no matter who you are if you are in enough pain you would kill yourself regardless of how many children you have.

Agreed. I don't have kids but I'd imagine committing suicide whilst having young kids would be one of the hardest decision to make. That said, everyone has a breaking point, and sometimes even having children cannot save them and they shouldn't be judged nor ridiculed.

 

[Boxoftools]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

Welcome Diamond! So I'm not sure if this will help you or not but just in case it does bring you a little peace here is my 2 cents.

I've had my life ripped away from me, found out my daughter (6yo) isn't actually mine. found that out about two years ago and spent every cent I had trying to get some kind of legal right to her, but in Mich that turns out to be in possible because of the family court "best practices". Before this latest trip, she was the only reason I had to keep going now its just another failure on my part. I was all for fighting this battle and keeping my daughter safe and alive and I lost. I would literally give anything to give that little girl a good life and keep her from the pain I've felt. Kids are amazing and can totally be a reason for living, but then you need to focus on the joy they give you and fuck everything else.

At the same time now being in the state I'm in, I just kind of accepted that maybe the best thing I can do for her is just go away, I'm sure this isn't the case with you, but it's another side of the same coin.


No matter what I hope you find peace, whatever that may be for you.

 

[Buddyluv19]

I am going to tell you to knock it off once. This isn't an exclusive group only for the currently hopeless and currently suicidal. I'm not sure you guys seem to know or remember the point of Sanctioned Suicide anymore to be honest.

We don't condemn people for wanting to proceed with life. Just because they want to move forward doesn't mean they aren't welcome. Sanctioned Suicide was a place to go where people understood and didn't feed you bullshit for being suicidal, a discussion placr for pro-choice, but it also was a place where we still supported and welcomed people who chose life... just because they are choosing life doesn't suddenly mean they are no longer apart of the group and aren't allowed in the discussions or to post anymore..as they still understand the hardships and aren't going to knock anybody down for still choosing ctv.

Not sure where you guys keep getting the idea that people who chose life can't still talk and post here about their journey. There's a recovery tag for a reason. Pro-choice, not pro-death.

Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Says you, been here since April and nearly 1000 posts.
When are you leaving again?

Hope you do not mind my answering this for you Smilla...when ready...

 

[Deleted member 1768]

People are delusional. They don't grasp the concept that no matter who you are if you are in enough pain you would kill yourself regardless of how many children you have.

Sorry...l would have to disagree with that. Sacrifice is what we all do, and as you know living can be the ultimate sacrifice.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

love um

Hugs Caustic...(((HUGS)))

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Welcome Diamond! So I'm not sure if this will help you or not but just in case it does bring you a little peace here is my 2 cents.

I've had my life ripped away from me, found out my daughter (6yo) isn't actually mine. found that out about two years ago and spent every cent I had trying to get some kind of legal right to her, but in Mich that turns out to be in possible because of the family court "best practices". Before this latest trip, she was the only reason I had to keep going now its just another failure on my part. I was all for fighting this battle and keeping my daughter safe and alive and I lost. I would literally give anything to give that little girl a good life and keep her from the pain I've felt. Kids are amazing and can totally be a reason for living, but then you need to focus on the joy they give you and fuck everything else.

At the same time now being in the state I'm in, I just kind of accepted that maybe the best thing I can do for her is just go away, I'm sure this isn't the case with you, but it's another side of the same coin.


No matter what I hope you find peace, whatever that may be for you.

I am so deeply sorry for your anguish Tools. Losing a child is far worse than any other loss. Grief is a terrible and mighty thing. I hope that you can at least see her. My thoughts are with you Tools.

 

[bigj75]

Sorry...l would have to disagree with that. Sacrifice is what we all do, and as you know living can be the ultimate sacrifice.

For me fuuuuuck that! If im in enough pain doesn't matter. Yes living is the ultimate sacrifice but humans have limits. Maybe my limit isn't as high as yours and to be quite frank i don't care that it isn't as high as yours cause all i do care about is making the suffering stop. I remember a quote "if god came down from the sky and said hi to you that if you are in enough pain you will be far more focused on the pain even though god itself just said hi to you".

 

[Deleted member 1768]

For me fuuuuuck that! If im in enough pain doesn't matter. Yes living is the ultimate sacrifice but humans have limits. Maybe my limit isn't as high as yours and to be quite frank i don't care that it isn't as high as yours cause all i do care about is making the suffering stop. I remember a quote "if god came down from the sky and said hi to you that if you are in enough pain you will be far more focused on the pain even though god itself just said hi to you".

I must admit that you make sense Big. I doubt very much that your limit is higher than mine. I suddenly remembered that there was a time when the pain became so great that I took 8gm. of dilantin and would have died then if the concert my roomies were at had not been rained out. My children were young adults then and it mattered not at all. Apologies....

 

[DeletedUser4739]

Also my cousin killed himself he had 3 children. All anyone ever talked about was how could he do that to them. Many would say i could never do that to my children. No one once has said he must of been in so much pain. I brought it up once that I could see his side of view. And everyone looked at me like I was insane.

You know the feeling, and in some ways it's a gift and a curse. I see you having compassion and understanding for your cousin. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. I celebrate it.

I find the stigmatization of these very normal, human feelings, along with many people's inability to have frank and open discussions about death, create shame. Shame doesn't serve anyone. I hope more people can see and feel things from your perspective, so we may better understand, and for some chose recovery. I hope that very word, recovery, doesn't become a banned topic all together. It is as much a part of life, as is death.