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[Diamond]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

 

[Ben]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

Hey diamond! Glad you're throwing in your 2 cents. And by the way, no need for a TLDR here, people should be reading everything you have to say before replying.

The back and fourth thoughts are horrible to deal with. I'm not going to try and push you to one conclusion or another. Such a serious decision should be made on your own, and i will support whatever you choose, life or death.

I'm not responsible for anybody, so I can't imagine how hard that must be.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

wish i could of had kids....

 

[RevolutionaryRed]

wish i could of had kids....

You think kids will get rid of your urge to ctb or you're just fan of those snot nosed bastards?

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

You think kids will get rid of your urge to ctb or you're just fan of those snot nosed bastards?

love um

 

[InkBlot]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

Tomorrow is always around the corner. I agree, scarring a child would be worse than living in constant agony. Leaving any child behind at any age cannot be easy, minus a clear indication of illness that someone may forgive and understand.

 

[Self destructed]

Diamond. Your not alone. I am in the same boat. 2 children. I've attempted but bail out because of children. I can't say they keep me going. But I get concern what will happen to them when I am gone. But your right the thought unfortunately doesn't go away. Neither does the depression and anxiety.

 

[Nofaith]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

Welcome Diamond!

 

[Self destructed]

Diamond. Your not alone. I am in the same boat. 2 children. I've attempted but bail out because of children. I can't say they keep me going. But I get concern what will happen to them when I am gone. But your right the thought unfortunately doesn't go away. Neither does the depression and anxiety.

Also my cousin killed himself he had 3 children. All anyone ever talked about was how could he do that to them. Many would say i could never do that to my children. No one once has said he must of been in so much pain. I brought it up once that I could see his side of view. And everyone looked at me like I was insane.

 

[Smilla]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

There is a recovery tab you can use.

Good luck.

 

[Smilla]

Also my cousin killed himself he had 3 children. All anyone ever talked about was how could he do that to them. Many would say i could never do that to my children. No one once has said he must of been in so much pain. I brought it up once that I could see his side of view. And everyone looked at me like I was insane.

A lot of folks here are suicidal because of their horrible childhoods. Glad you are determined to be there for your child.

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks and decided to join in the conversation tonight. I am in my early 30s, female, queer, mother, and nurse. I've been suicidal for the last 20 years give or take, and have had two failed attempts.
Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I can't die with a school age child. So I'm stuck. My emotions are conflicted. I'm not depressed. I haven't been. I'm a bit sad that I can't go yet. I'm also worried that I can't keep living. Maybe a bit of hope that me and my T will be able to conquer this.
The suicidal ideation doesn't go away just because you decide to live. Now it is that I want to cbt, and feel heartbroken that I can't.

Tldr: Grown female wants to die but has decided to live because she has a school aged child.

If you don't want to die, why then, are you posting on a suicide forum?

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

A lot of folks here are suicidal because of their horrible childhoods. Glad you are determined to be there for your child.



If you don't want to die, why then, are you posting on a suicide forum?

Why be so hostile? This is a pro-choice site not a suicide forum. We are all free to choose what actions to take to stop the pain. I think it is commendable that she decides to endure her own sufferings to provide for her child, not many people can do that.

 

[Smilla]

Why be so hostile? This is a pro-choice site not a suicide forum. We are all free to choose what actions to take to stop the pain. I think it is commendable that she decides to endure her own sufferings to provide for her child, not many people can do that.

Don't think I was being hostile at all. I basically expressed the same sentiments you did.

Was asking why someone who decided to live is still posting on the main thread of a suicide forum. Seems odd.

 

[Smilla]

Why be so hostile? This is a pro-choice site not a suicide forum. We are all free to choose what actions to take to stop the pain. I think it is commendable that she decides to endure her own sufferings to provide for her child, not many people can do that.

She decided to have a child—her decision, her responsibility.

In general, people need to take their reproductive choices more seriously.

I'm an antinatalist. Shoot me.

 

[No Future]

If you don't want to die, why then, are you posting on a suicide forum?

Was asking why someone who decided to live is still posting on the main thread of a suicide forum. Seems odd.

I too am opting to contend with life in an attempt to rebuild. I want to be happy and successful, who wouldn't?

This is a forum for mediation, reference and discussion. As stated, the emphasis here is on pro-choice. You can absolutely have competing whims on whether to live or die.

People seeking input and perspective should not be discouraged; their choice has to be respected. We cannot ostracize people because of our own deterministic or fatalistic philosophies. If you wound up here, it's because you entertained suicidal thoughts. We all have that in common here. That is the only common ground that is necessary.

These are not thoughts that just vanish when you make an attempt to be stronger. This was clearly indicated by OP, who said they have been having suicidal thoughts for 20 or so years. I do not understand why you don't think they qualify to be here? I don't understand why they should be shunned for stating their perspective. Doesn't make a drip of sense.

 

[DF90]

Don't think I was being hostile at all. I basically expressed the same sentiments you did.

Was asking why someone who decided to live is still posting on the main thread of a suicide forum. Seems odd.

I am going to tell you to knock it off once. This isn't an exclusive group only for the currently hopeless and currently suicidal. I'm not sure you guys seem to know or remember the point of Sanctioned Suicide anymore to be honest.

We don't condemn people for wanting to proceed with life. Just because they want to move forward doesn't mean they aren't welcome. Sanctioned Suicide was a place to go where people understood and didn't feed you bullshit for being suicidal, a discussion placr for pro-choice, but it also was a place where we still supported and welcomed people who chose life... just because they are choosing life doesn't suddenly mean they are no longer apart of the group and aren't allowed in the discussions or to post anymore..as they still understand the hardships and aren't going to knock anybody down for still choosing ctv.

Not sure where you guys keep getting the idea that people who chose life can't still talk and post here about their journey. There's a recovery tag for a reason. Pro-choice, not pro-death.

 

[Smilla]

I am going to tell you to knock it off once. This isn't an exclusive group only for the currently hopeless and currently suicidal. I'm not sure you guys seem to know or remember the point of Sanctioned Suicide anymore to be honest.

We don't condemn people for wanting to proceed with life. Just because they want to move forward doesn't mean they aren't welcome. Sanctioned Suicide was a place to go where people understood and didn't feed you bullshit for being suicidal, a discussion placr for pro-choice, but it also was a place where we still supported and welcomed people who chose life... just because they are choosing life doesn't suddenly mean they are no longer apart of the group and aren't allowed in the discussions or to post anymore..as they still understand the hardships and aren't going to knock anybody down for still choosing ctv.

Not sure where you guys keep getting the idea that people who chose life can't still talk and post here about their journey. There's a recovery tag for a reason. Pro-choice, not pro-death.

I mentioned the recovery tag.

 

[DF90]

I mentioned the recovery tag.

Didn't see that anywhere, just saw all your posts questioning why they were still here and posting because of their choice.

 

[Smilla]

Didn't see that anywhere, just saw all your posts questioning why they were still here and posting because of their choice.

It's there! I said "good luck" as well.

Also FYI: suicidal ideation is often contagious so if people are in "recovery" this might not be the best place to lurk, according to experts.

Just needed to point that out. Thanks.

 

[DF90]

It's there! I said "good luck" as well.

Also FYI: suicidal ideation is often contagious so if people are in "recovery" this might not be the best place to lurk, according to experts.

Just needed to point that out. Thanks.

Everyone is different. I'm in recovery and being here helps me.

Edit: Want to add that I do see how it could set some people back btw.

 

[lv-gras]

I am going to tell you to knock it off once. This isn't an exclusive group only for the currently hopeless and currently suicidal. I'm not sure you guys seem to know or remember the point of Sanctioned Suicide anymore to be honest.

We don't condemn people for wanting to proceed with life. Just because they want to move forward doesn't mean they aren't welcome. Sanctioned Suicide was a place to go where people understood and didn't feed you bullshit for being suicidal, a discussion placr for pro-choice, but it also was a place where we still supported and welcomed people who chose life... just because they are choosing life doesn't suddenly mean they are no longer apart of the group and aren't allowed in the discussions or to post anymore..as they still understand the hardships and aren't going to knock anybody down for still choosing ctv.

Not sure where you guys keep getting the idea that people who chose life can't still talk and post here about their journey. There's a recovery tag for a reason. Pro-choice, not pro-death.

ty for this

 

[DF90]

ty for this

No problem. There is no easy choice for the battles we face here. Both choices we have are difficult as fuck.

 

[Smilla]

Everyone is different. I'm in recovery and being here helps me.

Edit: Want to add that I do see how it could set some people back btw.

Yes, I understand that "everyone is different" but some of us here are actively trying to DIE.

The recovery tag is there for a reason, perhaps you could have instructed the OP to use it instead of lashing out at me?

I'm anti-suffering, whether that is achieved by death or by living/recovery.

Just strikes me as odd that people who don't intend to die hang out here, that's all.

 

[DF90]

Yes, I understand that "everyone is different" but some of us here are actively trying to DIE.

The recovery tag is there for a reason, perhaps you could have instructed the OP to use it instead of lashing out at me?

I'm anti-suffering, whether that is achieved by death or by living/recovery.

Just strikes me as odd that people who don't intend to die hang out here, that's all.

Didn't intend to lash out, my apologies for that. People seemed to get the same feeling as me, that you didn't think they were as welcome as the ones choosing ctb

 

[Over n' Out]

Just strikes me as odd that people who don't intend to die hang out here, that's all.

Says you, been here since April and nearly 1000 posts.
When are you leaving again?

 

[Smilla]

Says you, been here since April and nearly 1000 posts.
When are you leaving again?

That's incredibly rude. None of your business.

 

[MachineGunDani]

Welcome Diamond! I can relate as I have a son myself. I am also mid thirties and have a nursing degree but never took the test to become a registered nurse due to depression. I know how hard it is. If u ever need to talk I'm here! Hugs!

 

[MachineGunDani]

Says you, been here since April and nearly 1000 posts.
When are you leaving again?

Lmao this almost made me spit out my coffee!

 

[Diamond]

If you don't want to die, why then, are you posting on a suicide forum?

Because I do want to die..

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

Because I do want to die..

Welcome Diamond. There is really no need to justify yourself to anyone here. You would find that the majority of us are understanding, empathetic and mature.