new year is depressing

[niki wonoto]

I've been severely depressed (& suicidal too), which sadly most people still think that I'm not depressed, just because I seem to look 'happy' when I go out, especially with my friends. The New Year's Eve and weekend that just passed was also the same. What people don't know is how empty I am, especially now it's already Monday (the first Monday on this 'new year' 2022), and I'm back to reality, where it really hits me hard again, causing deep existential depression.

The harsh reality is that I'm still a 40-yrs old failure/loser, with failed, crushed, & broken dreams (& idealisms), & don't know what to do. I'm still living with my parents now, and being as an Asian (Indonesian-Chinese to be exact), I've even become a 'disgraceful' son, because I've failed to succeed, especially in the family businesses (which I have no interest at all). Financial difficulties also started looming in. It's even made much worse by worsening family problems & conflicts of a lot of things. One of the worst things is my younger brother's tailbone (coccyx) pain that's just getting worse, that now he can't even sit for a short time without feeling pain. It caused the whole family (including me) so much stress, anxiety, & depression.

People often say/think that New Year is supposed to be "new year, new me". Even much more than that, is the 'popular' notion that (somehow) New Year (or even New Year's Eve!) is supposed to be the time where everything changes (as if magically) for better. But we (or at least some of us people) know that is unrealistic (not realistic) at all. The reality is everything's probably still the same, and this "new year", in reality, could even probably getting worse. Our 'hopes, wishes, & expectations' probably won't be the same as reality.

New Year is supposed to be a 'happy' times, for most people. But I don't know, does anyone here also feel the same like me, that it's actually depressing?

 

[eternalpeace]

I'm so sorry to hear all this. I can somewhat relate. I'm 38. I worked very hard to establish myself in a lucrative profession, and now I'm not able to work at all. I am on disability and I have moved back in with my parents. I still have significant debt from student loans, and I have nothing to show for myself. No partner, friends, kids, or even pets (I had an adorable dog but I had to find him a new home because I wasn't able to take care of him properly…people I went to school with have kids, profitable businesses or prominent positions, and I failed at taking care of a dog. He wasn't even a big dog. He was a little chihuahua). I have done nothing that I can be proud of, and there is nothing even mildly interesting about me. I don't even have an aptitude for any hobbies.

I'm not Asian, so I didn't face the kind of cultural imperatives that you have, but I did grow up in a household where a career was valued above all else. My mom is 70, still working full time in a very stressful profession, and her entire identity is wrapped up in her job. Meanwhile, she's got a middle-aged "boomerang kid" with no job and no future taking up space in the house.

As much as I would love to jump on the "new year, new me" bandwagon, I can't even think of anything I could do to substantively change my position, and while I cannot predict the future, the odds of things getting much worse seem pretty high for me, given my financial state and my health. (I have MS in addition to mental illness).

I really do hope that you will catch a break and that things get better for you, but I totally agree that changing the date on the calendar doesn't create a blank slate or give anyone some sort of enhanced ability to "be better". Our hardships don't vanish overnight just because of a stat holiday with a lot of booze and a sentimental song. After the fanfare, the world will be exactly as it was before, and for many of us, it was pretty damn bleak. :(

 

[FuneralCry]

For me the new year is certainly not happy, I do not know what happiness is like. The new year just brings more pain and suffering, for me it is the same as the previous year. I have a lot of dread for the future. I wish you the best, I know it can be depressing to live an empty existence.