New person... find myself at this point again

[drivingaround]

Hi, I've just joined the forum. I've had major depression (plus anxiety, plus other shit) for a really long time, and usually every few months have a bad episode where I want to ctb. When I "get better" I don't have the urgent need to ctb any more but I never have that feeling, "hey, I'm so glad I'm still alive because otherwise I wouldn't have got to do [xyz]". Even on a good day it's like ctb is just another option, like going to the shop.

There are a few things holding me back. Main one is my family - I know they would be distraught. I don't feel close to them from my side but I know they care about me a lot. A few friends too. Other than that I'm scared of surviving but being a vegetable or severely brain-damaged, surviving and having to face the emotions of my family and friends, and just not knowing what it's like to be dead. I know if there's nothing after death I wouldn't even be aware of that to mind, but it's hard to imagine.

I have tried to ctb before but not in a thought-out way and they weren't seriously physically damaging. Now I'd probably go with partial suspension hanging, but also struggle with the feeling that at a certain point I will lose control over the process. Like I want to be able to control it all, which I know is impossible.

Although this is pretty much all I'm thinking about at the moment I am masking it very well (or I think so). The only other urge I have is just to leave. I find the worst feeling to be in this state but still have the insight and reason to worry about all the possible consequences and outcomes, and my other option is just to leave. I don't know - leave, walk off, don't stop walking, I don't know. I keep trying to tell myself that reality is actually a simulation, because then I wouldn't feel guilty about ctb, and wouldn't be scared of what it would be like.

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

Leave, and join our wilderness group. Trust me. True freedom is just running from society. I understand you can't fly internationally right now, but what are your reasons for that, if I may politely ask?

 

[drivingaround]

Leave, and join our wilderness group. Trust me. True freedom is just running from society. I understand you can't fly internationally right now, but what are your reasons for that, if I may politely ask?

I have no money at all - just enough for food until next week some time. No savings, no passport. (For going to another country I mean). With just leaving here - I only have a motorbike and there is nowhere to go. Going on the big roads out of here I would probably just be run over by a car or truck. It's a 125cc.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's an awful position to be in. Feeling the need to get escape but fearing the consequences. Many here know that feeling I think.
Your depression and ideation comes and goes? Is there anything that triggers it? I'm not a fan of medication or therapy but that's me, have you considered either?

 

[drivingaround]

It's an awful position to be in. Feeling the need to get escape but fearing the consequences. Many here know that feeling I think.
Your depression and ideation comes and goes? Is there anything that triggers it? I'm not a fan of medication or therapy but that's me, have you considered either?

Yeah, I am already on medication and in therapy and have been for the past ten years, I think. It does come and go but it never completely goes away, if that makes sense. Like when I'm not severely depressed, then it just doesn't feel urgent. Lots of things trigger the depression and suicidality.

Fearing the consequences is just driving me insane right now. It's like I just cannot face life any more, I've reached the end, but I hate still knowing that I'm supposed to carry on. I wish there was some way of detached from this knowledge. I have been almost trying to make myself really tired so that detaching will be easier.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yes, usually people don't find themselves at this point unless they have indeed tried medication and therapy. That's what a lot of people on the outside miss. And its always there, hiding in the shadows. Your fear of consequences is valid.

It's like I just cannot face life any more, I've reached the end, but I hate still knowing that I'm supposed to carry on

This is a paradoxical situation that many of us face, myself included. Its like the universe points and laughs at all the efforts we make sometimes.

If there was any clever way of dealing with all this, I'd be the first to yell it from the rooftops! As it stands, all I can do is say that I can relate and I'm happy to listen.

 

[drivingaround]

Thanks for listening :)
I often wish I had no family, because then I would be able to ctb with no guilt, but also because if I harm myself and survive, the emotional reaction of my family is just too much. It's possible that if I don't ctb now, I will end up hospitalised because my doctor can see that things are getting exponentially worse (and is very into hospitalisation for some reason). Then my family will freak out, after a week I'll probably feel a bit better, feel better for a few weeks or months, then end up at this point again. I don't know if I can go another round of that. I have been thinking of ctb for a long time but keep putting it off so I don't ruin xmas/new year/a friend's birthday/a holiday etc. I'm not grateful to these things keeping me alive. Feels like an excuse not to do it because there will be no good time. I don't know whether to wait until I see my doctor, or ctb, because things are never going to change significantly.

Sorry for all the venting.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thanks for listening :)

Always, as long as its in my power to be here.
I understand the almost paradoxical situation you find yourself in (not the details ofc, but the feelings). No -one can answer those questions but you. I have the same questions of my life and I have no answers. As humans, we are problem/solution based creatures. But not all problems have solutions, which is something we can't deal with. At the moment, I'm just plodding on. That is all you can do without solutions you are comfortable with. It might be worth waiting till you see the doctor, ofc you know that suicide is truly final. Can't change your mind about that one. Maybe there actually ARE solutions for you if you look hard enough. Okay, so maybe not too, but I've seen more than one member actually find workable solution to things they couldn't face and come back to these forums to offer valid and understanding advice to other members.

Sorry for all the venting.

never, ever, ever a problem

 

[drivingaround]

As humans, we are problem/solution based creatures. But not all problems have solutions, which is something we can't deal with. At the moment, I'm just plodding on. That is all you can do without solutions you are comfortable with. It might be worth waiting till you see the doctor, ofc you know that suicide is truly final. Can't change your mind about that one. Maybe there actually ARE solutions for you if you look hard enough. Okay, so maybe not too, but I've seen more than one member actually find workable solution to things they couldn't face and come back to these forums to offer valid and understanding advice to other members.

Thank you. I saw the doctor a bit earlier, and I'm going to hang on a week or so and see if things change (or at least right now I feel like that, it might change again).

One thing that is hard but makes me laugh at the same time is when a doctor asks if you're suicidal, then if you have thought about how you'd do it/do you have a plan? It's like... well, telling you would completely defeat the purpose of having a plan. At the same time, that part of me that wants to hang on wanted to say yes. I find it a lonely space to be in. Hospital was suggested but the doctor said it wasn't something urgently needed right now. I was partly relieved, partly resigned to battling with my head for even longer, and partly laughing inside because I literally have a goodbye note in my wallet. I'm so relieved that there is a place like this, because I could honestly not tell this to anyone.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thank you. I saw the doctor a bit earlier, and I'm going to hang on a week or so and see if things change (or at least right now I feel like that, it might change again).

One thing that is hard but makes me laugh at the same time is when a doctor asks if you're suicidal, then if you have thought about how you'd do it/do you have a plan? It's like... well, telling you would completely defeat the purpose of having a plan. At the same time, that part of me that wants to hang on wanted to say yes. I find it a lonely space to be in. Hospital was suggested but the doctor said it wasn't something urgently needed right now. I was partly relieved, partly resigned to battling with my head for even longer, and partly laughing inside because I literally have a goodbye note in my wallet. I'm so relieved that there is a place like this, because I could honestly not tell this to anyone.

I have been in exactly the same situation, with exactly the same feelings, and they had exactly the same responses. That's why I'm here. It's a joke, honestly, they wonder why a place like this exists, sheesh.

 

[drivingaround]

It's so lonely - like they say to ask for help but actually being honest just has unpleasant consequences and makes things worse. My therapist is really nice actually, she said something like for people whose lives are unbearable due to mental illness, suicide is a viable option. But then said "that's not permission to kill yourself!" If I start feeling a lot better I might be able to tell her this stuff retrospectively, but that also depends on whether I want them knowing the way I think about this. I'm sorry you've been in the same situation, it's really not fun.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

but actually being honest just has unpleasant consequences and makes things worse

Yeah, it's a contradiction. They suffer from naivete. They say 'reach out and talk, we will help.' But if you are too honest, it can indeed make things worse. Unless you really feel you can't think for yourself and need them to do it for you. But then you place your fate in the hands of other people with no guarantees they know any better than you do. It can help to open up, but be cautious.