New Member

[Omega290]

I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by making an account here but I know it probably won't hurt me in anyway. I'm going to explain my situation the best that I can. I'm 29, jobless, no car, no friends, no life at all except for playing music and video games. I live with my grandparents and, before COVID, I had a steady part time job that I absolutely hated but I felt that maybe I was finally growing up and becoming independent. It's been over a year since I lost my job and things are worse than before. Throughout my 20s I completely isolated myself, aside from a few temporary jobs, because i have the social skills of a five year old and, no matter how much I put myself out there, my social skills get worse and my anxiety increases. I can't hold a conversation with anyone for more than 20 seconds. I feel like I have an undiagnosed mental disability but I've only ever been diagnosed with social anxiety and major depression. I've been this way my entire life but it got a lot worse when I was a teenager and my early 20s. I'm reaching 30 now and kinda feel like my time is running out. I've been having thoughts of suicide for almost a decade now but it's like my 20s were a dream even though I was completely miserable. I'm worried I'm going to wake up and be 40 thinking these exact same thoughts. Another part of me doesn't even care because the world is shitty and success only comes to those who can bullshit their way through it. But maybe that's just an excuse to give up. I've had everything I need to ctb for about 6 months now, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm past my breaking point but I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I actually don't think they'd be surprised to find me dead.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Welcome to the forum @Omega290 I hope you will find something useful on SS. I am sorry life has brought here.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've had everything I need to ctb for about 6 months now, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm past my breaking point but I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I actually don't think they'd be surprised to find me dead.

This is so me, except I've been ready for over a year now. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be brave enough to go through with it.

Other parts of your message resonated with me too. When I was 29, I was also very suicidal. I ended up carrying on and I had a *brilliant* run in my 30s. My career was amazing, I got my doctorate, I got married, I made more money than I ever had before… I felt like things were coming together and that it was a good thing I hadn't ended things back at 29.

Now, my world has fallen apart and has no chance of recovery. I can't quite figure out if it was better that I had a spectacular run for a while or if it would have been better for me to die years ago, before my "fall". I tell you this to let you know that a fulfilling life (or a few fulfilling years) could be possible, depending on your situation. It's up to you to decide what you think you'd prefer.

 

[Omega290]

Thanks for the kind words and sharing a part of your story. I kinda feel like I'll never make a decision and be stuck in limbo until I'm dead. I think I'm more afraid of experiencing pain than death itself. I know I'll find peace one way of another. I know you will too.

 

[FuneralCry]

Welcome to the forum. This life can certainly be exhausting, and it is hard when we see a hopeless future, I know what that is like. I wish you well.

 

[Versailles]

Welcome friend, feel free to express how you feel