Dans117
The voices are my only friends left
- Sep 25, 2022
- 17
Hi everyone. I have been reading this forum for a long time because it is the only place where I can find people who understand how truly messed up this world is. Now, as we have descended even further as a species towards unchained madness and possible nuclear war over the past several years, I needed some place where I can talk with people because almost all my friends are gone and sharing anything with my family does more harm than good.
I have been in mental health "treatment" since I was 11 (36 now). My dad is a narcissistic alcoholic and my mom is a codependent enabler. I grew up hearing them scream at, belittle and insult each other and me every single week and it traumatized me for life. Police were called repeatedly, nothing changed because they both absolutely refuse to take responsibility and get help, they will die before they change. Of course I was the only one that got "help" because at 11 years old, I had no choice. Pills made things worse and therapy was an absolute joke. There are more psych drugs that I have been on than ones I haven't, none improved things. I've had close to a dozen therapists, and only one helped because she pointed out my dad was alcoholic, she is retired now unfortunately.
My official diagnosis is schizoaffective but I think I also have OCD and definitely binge eating disorder. I'm on disability (USA) and living in one of my dad's rental units (he's a landlord but he's very half assed about it for better or worse.) The rest of my family have long since left town and my dad and my Al-Anon sponsor are the only ones left in the city that I know. My life could be worse and I am grateful for that, but having anhedonia and avolition along with the voices / visions / delusions / paranoia makes my life a living hell. I am unemployed, have no desire to do work of any kind and am extremely isolated. I am long past the point where I see any hope for things improving.
Despite all of this I have a big heart and that hurts me more than it helps me. I am so broken because I have cared so much about so many people, most of whom didn't give a damn about me or my issues. I am also a gay man and yes I can get laid but that doesn't help much, finding a loving relationship is impossible for me because I don't fit into a box easily. My taste in music is too weird, I am too fat / emotional and I have no interest in anything other than music and sitting in my rocking chair or backyard, and you can't build a relationship on that in the smartphone era. I used to be a big gamer but I can't even do that anymore because of the anhedonia / avolition. I just want my pain to end. Hell, I want EVERYONE's pain to end. If I could snap my fingers and sacrifice my soul into a swirling abyss of chaos to make everyone else's pain disappear, I would. I've tried it before but of course the voices and demons/spirits/aliens/whatever I see and hear just took advantage of that like the assholes they are.
I also am a metaphysical writer / researcher and this feeds my illnesses even more. I am convinced that if hell exists in this Universe, this planet is it - there is no place under it. Perhaps this Universe was created by an evil "god" who pretends to be good, like the Gnostic Demiurge. Perhaps we are a galactic prison planet or hostages to an evil alien empire that rules the rich and powerful behind the scenes. Or perhaps all of that is bullshit and we are just a cosmic accident of evolution perpetuated by horny monkeys with big brains. Honestly, I don't know and don't care anymore. I have so much knowledge accumulated over decades and it hasn't helped me one bit, nor has prayer / meditation which the voices always use against me. I tried blogging and got maybe a dozen readers, nobody cared and of course there was no money or fame in it. I can't find answers in books and I am too wishy-washy / noncommittal to devote myself to any cause of any kind.
No plans to harm myself or anyone else, but if killing myself were painless and easy like taking a forever sleeping pill or a Futurama suicide booth I would do it in a heartbeat. If I lived in the Harry Potter universe I would cast that spell Hermione did to make everyone forget her and then cast Avara Kadavara on myself. We all know that story now don't we? I have come to peace with existing as much as I despise it. So here I am.
Anyway sorry for the long rant. Thank you for reading and I look forward to participating. I wish you all peace and release from your pain in whatever form it may take. <3
I have been in mental health "treatment" since I was 11 (36 now). My dad is a narcissistic alcoholic and my mom is a codependent enabler. I grew up hearing them scream at, belittle and insult each other and me every single week and it traumatized me for life. Police were called repeatedly, nothing changed because they both absolutely refuse to take responsibility and get help, they will die before they change. Of course I was the only one that got "help" because at 11 years old, I had no choice. Pills made things worse and therapy was an absolute joke. There are more psych drugs that I have been on than ones I haven't, none improved things. I've had close to a dozen therapists, and only one helped because she pointed out my dad was alcoholic, she is retired now unfortunately.
My official diagnosis is schizoaffective but I think I also have OCD and definitely binge eating disorder. I'm on disability (USA) and living in one of my dad's rental units (he's a landlord but he's very half assed about it for better or worse.) The rest of my family have long since left town and my dad and my Al-Anon sponsor are the only ones left in the city that I know. My life could be worse and I am grateful for that, but having anhedonia and avolition along with the voices / visions / delusions / paranoia makes my life a living hell. I am unemployed, have no desire to do work of any kind and am extremely isolated. I am long past the point where I see any hope for things improving.
Despite all of this I have a big heart and that hurts me more than it helps me. I am so broken because I have cared so much about so many people, most of whom didn't give a damn about me or my issues. I am also a gay man and yes I can get laid but that doesn't help much, finding a loving relationship is impossible for me because I don't fit into a box easily. My taste in music is too weird, I am too fat / emotional and I have no interest in anything other than music and sitting in my rocking chair or backyard, and you can't build a relationship on that in the smartphone era. I used to be a big gamer but I can't even do that anymore because of the anhedonia / avolition. I just want my pain to end. Hell, I want EVERYONE's pain to end. If I could snap my fingers and sacrifice my soul into a swirling abyss of chaos to make everyone else's pain disappear, I would. I've tried it before but of course the voices and demons/spirits/aliens/whatever I see and hear just took advantage of that like the assholes they are.
I also am a metaphysical writer / researcher and this feeds my illnesses even more. I am convinced that if hell exists in this Universe, this planet is it - there is no place under it. Perhaps this Universe was created by an evil "god" who pretends to be good, like the Gnostic Demiurge. Perhaps we are a galactic prison planet or hostages to an evil alien empire that rules the rich and powerful behind the scenes. Or perhaps all of that is bullshit and we are just a cosmic accident of evolution perpetuated by horny monkeys with big brains. Honestly, I don't know and don't care anymore. I have so much knowledge accumulated over decades and it hasn't helped me one bit, nor has prayer / meditation which the voices always use against me. I tried blogging and got maybe a dozen readers, nobody cared and of course there was no money or fame in it. I can't find answers in books and I am too wishy-washy / noncommittal to devote myself to any cause of any kind.
No plans to harm myself or anyone else, but if killing myself were painless and easy like taking a forever sleeping pill or a Futurama suicide booth I would do it in a heartbeat. If I lived in the Harry Potter universe I would cast that spell Hermione did to make everyone forget her and then cast Avara Kadavara on myself. We all know that story now don't we? I have come to peace with existing as much as I despise it. So here I am.
Anyway sorry for the long rant. Thank you for reading and I look forward to participating. I wish you all peace and release from your pain in whatever form it may take. <3
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(BTW still figuring out how to quote / reply, bear with me here)
