New member here. First post.

[WaitingForMyRide]

Hey guys, it's a relief that I found this forum and the community is very supportive here. Yeah there are some pro lifers in here lurking about and trying to change people's minds but hey, what can you do.? Anyways I plan on ctb'ing pretty soon via SN.

I'm a 30 year old male that has lived with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, and chronic pain since I was 15. I have about a half dozen attempts under my belt. Everything from od's to cut wrists and neck. All unsuccessful. My last attempt was the most serious via shotgun to the abdomen with 00 buck shot.

That wasn't a cry for help and only lived because I was found within time and there was a helicopter that was near that could airlift me to the nearest hospital. It's a miracle I didn't blow my spine out of my back and become paralyzed. Apparently I hit the lottery or so I was told.

If I had have known about this forum 2 years ago I probably wouldn't have went that route and ctb'd correctly. I didn't want to go for a headshot either and become a vegetable worst case scenario. I wasn't afraid of death at the time and I wanted to send a brutal, and bloody message. My house supposedly looked like a crime scene with the amount of blood I lost.

So there's a little bit of my twisted back story, and now I'm suffering every day more and more because of the shotgun wound. They gave me speeches about painkiller addiction when I was literally dying there in the hospital lol.(Pathetic) I have a gut full of shifting buckshot and razor sharp bone fragments and I haven't even been able to sleep in quite some time.

My doctors aren't too much of a help med wise and it seems like they want to see legit pain patients suffer these days. Thanks to the fent explosion worldwide, nobody can even get a god damn Vicodin. Sorry for the rant and I hope I can shoot the shit with some of you folks before and if I CBT soon. Anybody near or in Jersey btw? I am looking to talk and connect with some like minded people. Luckily I have Klonopin for my social anxiety lol. Thx for letting me vent.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Hey guys, it's a relief that I found this forum and the community is very supportive here. Yeah there are some pro lifers in here lurking about and trying to change people's minds but hey, what can you do.? Anyways I plan on ctb'ing pretty soon via SN.

I'm a 30 year old male that has lived with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, and chronic pain since I was 15. I have about a half dozen attempts under my belt. Everything from od's to cut wrists and neck. All unsuccessful. My last attempt was the most serious via shotgun to the abdomen with 00 buck shot.

That wasn't a cry for help and only lived because I was found within time and there was a helicopter that was near that could airlift me to the nearest hospital. It's a miracle I didn't blow my spine out of my back and become paralyzed. Apparently I hit the lottery or so I was told.

If I had have known about this forum 2 years ago I probably wouldn't have went that route and ctb'd correctly. I didn't want to go for a headshot either and become a vegetable worst case scenario. I wasn't afraid of death at the time and I wanted to send a brutal, and bloody message. My house supposedly looked like a crime scene with the amount of blood I lost.

So there's a little bit of my twisted back story, and now I'm suffering every day more and more because of the shotgun wound. They gave me speeches about painkiller addiction when I was literally dying there in the hospital lol.(Pathetic) I have a gut full of shifting buckshot and razor sharp bone fragments and I haven't even been able to sleep in quite some time.

My doctors aren't too much of a help med wise and it seems like they want to see legit pain patients suffer these days. Thanks to the fent explosion worldwide, nobody can even get a god damn Vicodin. Sorry for the rant and I hope I can shoot the shit with some of you folks before and if I CBT soon. Anybody near or in Jersey btw? I am looking to talk and connect with some like minded people. Luckily I have Klonopin for my social anxiety lol. Thx for letting me vent.

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering

 

[Fktw0rld]

Well damn! A shotgun to the stomach?! Shit, I wish I had your level of SI. You went beast mode like f**k it! I'm outta here! That's some honorable samurai shit, but instead of the sword you Americanized it and used a shotgun.

My hat's off to you, my friend. Much respect. I'm heading out soon by way of SN as well.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. To me the thought of failing ctb is so horrifying, I'm sorry that you had to endure all that. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[tired868686]

What shotgun was it?

 

[WaitingForMyRide]

What shotgun was it?

An old Remington 12 guage that I used to hunt with.

Well damn! A shotgun to the stomach?! Shit, I wish I had your level of SI. You went beast mode like f**k it! I'm outta here! That's some honorable samurai shit, but instead of the sword you Americanized it and used a shotgun.

My hat's off to you, my friend. Much respect. I'm heading out soon by way of SN as well.

Thank you and strangely enough before I did it, I was kinda thinking of the similarity between my method and a samurai's lol. Yeah I was impulsive and totally at the end of my rope that day.

 

[tired868686]

An old Remington 12 guage that I used to hunt with.

Man that's crazy you were able to aim it at abdomen, that takes a lot of guts (no pun intended).
If that was through the roof of the mouth you would have died for sure. Would have blown the top of your head clean off.
00 buck shot through a 12 gauge, it's a miracle you survived even through the abdomen.
Sorry you got to that point where you felt the need to do that!

 

[WaitingForMyRide]

For some reason I just can't put a barrel in my mouth. Silly I know, considering what I did anyway. If only my cousin hadn't stopped by within those 5 minutes, I would've bled to death. EMT's said I only made it by 2 to 3 minutes.

 

[emgrl]

Welcome that's an incredible story! Sorry your method didn't work out for you, but glad you didn't do damage that would have made your life even worse. I'm around if you ever wanna chat

 

[DownSince2000]

Did they try to hospitalize you for the attempt? Or did they just patch ya up and send ya on your way. lol

 

[SexyIncél]

Yowza! Having recently shot 12 gauge 00 buckshot & felt the recoil... that's certainly a lot

 

[Sick&TiredURGH]

Hey guys, it's a relief that I found this forum and the community is very supportive here. Yeah there are some pro lifers in here lurking about and trying to change people's minds but hey, what can you do.? Anyways I plan on ctb'ing pretty soon via SN.

I'm a 30 year old male that has lived with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, and chronic pain since I was 15. I have about a half dozen attempts under my belt. Everything from od's to cut wrists and neck. All unsuccessful. My last attempt was the most serious via shotgun to the abdomen with 00 buck shot.

That wasn't a cry for help and only lived because I was found within time and there was a helicopter that was near that could airlift me to the nearest hospital. It's a miracle I didn't blow my spine out of my back and become paralyzed. Apparently I hit the lottery or so I was told.

If I had have known about this forum 2 years ago I probably wouldn't have went that route and ctb'd correctly. I didn't want to go for a headshot either and become a vegetable worst case scenario. I wasn't afraid of death at the time and I wanted to send a brutal, and bloody message. My house supposedly looked like a crime scene with the amount of blood I lost.

So there's a little bit of my twisted back story, and now I'm suffering every day more and more because of the shotgun wound. They gave me speeches about painkiller addiction when I was literally dying there in the hospital lol.(Pathetic) I have a gut full of shifting buckshot and razor sharp bone fragments and I haven't even been able to sleep in quite some time.

My doctors aren't too much of a help med wise and it seems like they want to see legit pain patients suffer these days. Thanks to the fent explosion worldwide, nobody can even get a god damn Vicodin. Sorry for the rant and I hope I can shoot the shit with some of you folks before and if I CBT soon. Anybody near or in Jersey btw? I am looking to talk and connect with some like minded people. Luckily I have Klonopin for my social anxiety lol. Thx for letting me vent.

When you say Jersey? Do you mean New Jersey?
Lived there for a couple of years, was where my proper descent into hopeless despair began. Welcome.

 

[WaitingForMyRide]

Did they try to hospitalize you for the attempt? Or did they just patch ya up and send ya on your way. lol

I was hospitalized for nearly 6 months recovering and having intense one on one therapy with the psych in the hospital.

When you say Jersey? Do you mean New Jersey?
Lived there for a couple of years, was where my proper descent into hopeless despair began. Welcome.

Yeah, New Jersey. Thx.

 

[Jimblue]

There was a boy that stabbed his tummy and ended up in a mental hospital while I was living there too.

Stabbing or shooting yourself is really painful way to die. Personally I would not recommend it.

I used to work for a company which has a head office in New Jersey long time ago.

 

[Al0neAlwayz]

Welcome. I'm new here too, down in FL myself. I'm sorry you are experiencing that and hope you get the peace you deserve soon. I will be ctb'ing soon via SN. I have several failed attempts as well and am also very thankful I found this site and know what to do now. My previous attempts were not well thought out or planned and slightly spur of the moment. I wish you the best and hope you find pain relief and sleep soon