hello everyone. this is my first post here. l have been very depressed for a long time and feel very close to ending it all. i am 53 years old and have not long begun to understand that l have lived in a state of trauma for pretty much all of my life. i was kidnapped by a pedophile when i was 10 years old. i never got to talk about it. i could not sleep from that time on and had extreme anxiety. i was a happy kid by nature but i began to live in a world of fear. my mother reacted to my unwellness by being very abusive to me. i would plead with her to let me sleep longer when she came in my room in the morning but she would scream "get out of bed you lazy sod! i am so disgusted in you!! you should be ashamed of yourself!!!". she would often hit me as she screamed at me with hatred and anger in her eyes. i was terrified. i was abused by her and my older brother until i managed to move away to japan aged 24. i blocked out much of the abuse in my mind and forgot about most of it. i met a girl. i fell in love. we were supposed to marry but just as the wedding was getting closer i began to have serious anxiety attacks connected to the childhood trauma - but as i could not remember most of it, i confused the anxiety for pressure of getting married and broke off the wedding plans. i began to take heavy drugs for the first time in my life. i went into a haze. i missed the girl very much but was too messed up to get her back. when i finally realized what i had done it was too late. she was gone forever as she fell pregnant to a co-worker and a wedding was arranged. i left japan and went back to australia where i attempted suicide twice. i then started drinking heavily and taking medication. i did that for 17 years. never making foundations in life - moving from country to country - always feeling the urge to move far away. 2 years ago i remembered the kidnapping by the pedophile. only recently did i remember all of the drug use after i broke up with the girl. breaking up with her is what ruined my life. if i had stayed with her i feel i could have gotten over the childhood stuff. due to the pedophile assualt it has always been very hard for me to be close to people. i have been alone for 17 years. i lost all my friends from moving far away all of the time and being drunk and messed up on meds. i teach english in an elelmentary school . the pay is low. i have nothing to my name. i go weeks/months without talking to anyone outside work. i am so lonely and so very sad. i tried taping a plastic bag over my head a few times recently but survival instinct kicked in and i tore holes in the bags. i bought a box cutter for my arms but cannot go through with it. i now feel i will go to the train tracks and lay my head on the tracks. i am worried it will traumatize the driver and anyone who may see me. i have been searching the web for methods but there does not seem to be much info from google searches. i even tried the dark web - but disgusting images of child pornography came up no matter what i searched for. what is it with that??? i chain smoke cigarettes. i dont eat much at all. i started drinking again recently after 2 months sober. life is hell. i never stop thinking about the sweet girl i almost married. life is over - it is just a matter of time. i found this forum. i am hoping to find info here for an easy way out. kind regards, Matt
GravityUtilizer
Born to lose
- May 22, 2020
- 737
You don't know that, dude. I mean you broke it off so it couldn't have been that great. And then she just gets pregnant with a co-worker? Forget her. Sure it's been rough ever since but it seems you're looking at the past through rose-tinted glasses. Maybe go easy on the booze and try to find another teacher to connect with? I dunno. Do whatever the hell you want.
^^ thanks for the reply. it was the break up - i am sure. there was a person who i thought was my best friend. he was caught peeping through my window watching us make love. i should have told him to get the f**k out of my life then. he had a weird facsination for her. he was jealous. i looked up to him. he hounded me for weeks telling me i was making a big mistake marrying her. he brought drugs to my home - meth and shitloads of valium. i was unwell with anxiety from the childhood . i took the drugs as he told me to. i was an idiot. i got high and confused. i broke it off when i was high. i never wanted to, but i did. then i became hooked and too ashamed to get her back until it was too late. she waited 3 years. when i finally got clean i called her - she said if i had called 2 weeks earlier she would have come back to me but she was a traditional japanese girl and married the guy for the baby's sake. she said she did not love him and still loved me. but over time she has grown to love him and they now have 3 kids. we met recently for the 1st time in years. we sat in the park for 8 hours. it just confirmed to me that we are soulmates. i still love her and feel i can never be with anybody else. not being with her is never ending torture. i just cannot keep going anymore. such a terrible shame.
^I have not seen the resources section yet. i will. thanks (not sure why i cannot quote you and reply)
Will-I-Dream
Cartoon Head
- Jul 18, 2020
- 8
Man, that's tough. I'm sorry to hear you went through that, but it did make for a very interesting read. Thank you for sharing.
I'd advise seeking therapy before suicide, But obviously whatever you do is up to you.
Google will scrub a lot of results, try using DuckDuckGo instead.
As for using the dark net. From what I know it's very difficult to stumble upon indecent images of children unless you are actively looking for them. Im not suggesting you are, but where are you getting your onion links from to come up with that kind of material?
Links to sites such as that are usually clearly labelled and easily avoidable.
I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your journey, wherever it takes you.
I'd advise seeking therapy before suicide, But obviously whatever you do is up to you.
Google will scrub a lot of results, try using DuckDuckGo instead.
As for using the dark net. From what I know it's very difficult to stumble upon indecent images of children unless you are actively looking for them. Im not suggesting you are, but where are you getting your onion links from to come up with that kind of material?
Links to sites such as that are usually clearly labelled and easily avoidable.
I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your journey, wherever it takes you.
^ thanks for your reply. i use duckduckgo. i watched a video on youtube on how to enter dark web.i downloaded tor browser as the video instructed. it said to use candle or not evil as search engines. i entered suicide methods and child porn came up. i would never actively look for such filth. try it if you dont believe me - though be warned, the images are shocking. again - thanks for the reply.
i am so sick of this life. when i first realized i had lost her forever i tried suicide twice. once i got in a jacuzzi and put a power cord in the water - nothing happened - not like in the james bond movie. the next time i took a packet of sleeping pills and swam out in the ocean at night with a backpack on. apparently the type of sleeping pill have the reverse effect in large doses - kids use them to get high - so i ended up swimming back to shore. that was 17 years ago. i started drinking and taking medication then and have had 17 years of just getting through each day - very alone. so it is like my time was up 17 years ago - it was game over then - but since then it has just been extended play. but now i can see that my life was over way back then. i am in japan. you cannot buy guns here. if i could, i would buy one in a flash. i never knew it would be so hard to kill myself. i bought a box cutter to slice my arms - but according to the internet there is only a 53% chance that will work. i tried taping a plastic bag over my head but survival instinct kicked in and i tore holes in the bags. now i am thinking i will put my head on the train tracks. it would be messy. i am concerned it will traumatize the driver and other people who may see me. i just wish there was an easier way.
Many of us carry childhood trauma (although I acknowledge not to the extent of your experience), but some manage to surpass them. Not to sound like a pro-lifer, but have you tried therapy for that trauma first and foremost?
Baguette
Member
- Jun 28, 2020
- 90
Train is my method, I'm hoping to carry it out tomorrow. I'm sorry about everything that's happened to you to make you feel this way.
thanks for the reply. yes - i have had therapy. even tried EMDR therapy. nothing helps. i cannot change my mindset. i wallow in self pity and self abuse. i know its wrong but i cant stop.
thanks for your reply. i feel the train is how i will do it too. that said, i hope you find hope some way and dont do it tomorrow.
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i just woke up to the hell that is my life. so very lonely. nobody in the world to talk to. my life is a complete mess. i chain smoke cigarettes. so very depressed. this life is not worth living. i wish i had a gun. i would finish it right here and now.
GravityUtilizer
Born to lose
- May 22, 2020
- 737
Yo, sorry if I was a bit unsympathetic in my first response; old loves are hard to let go when you get older and are alone, I should know. Also I know all too well waking up to depression, so I'm with you there.
WillOxyWork
Student
- Jul 4, 2020
- 126
Your story is heartbreaking. I offer all my empathy. I get how it feels to wake up in hell. It would be so nice not to wake up sometimes.
catscradle
Now I will destroy the whole world
- Jul 10, 2020
- 85
are you still in Japan? everything I've read says it's the absolute worst place for mental health care, especially if you're an English speaker. my heart goes out to you.
yes, i am still on japan. very isolated. no friends. not a person in the world to talk to. i am so afraid of dying , but i cannot carry on like this. everyday is ground hog day. i wake up in shock - not understanding how i could break up with somebody who i loved so much. so much regret. such a shame. i was a very bright and strong person when i was with her.
I know how you feel. I also broke up with a girl years ago and I still regret and she is out of reach nowadays. But that's not my main problem. With that being said, I respect your suffering.
i am so sad when i look back on my life. i know i could have achieved great things if i had not broke off my wedding plans. i knew i was making myself unwell when i broke up with her. i was used to blocking out things in my mind as that is how i dealt with traumatic things from my childhood. when i broke up with her i began taking meth on a regular basis. i would get high and whenever thoughts of her entered my mind i pushed them away. i knew i was making myself unwell. i remember wondering what it would do to me. a large reason why i did this is because i did not feel worthy of being with somebody so pure and beautiful. my mother's words were ringing in my head - YOU ARE DISGUSTING!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!! - i thought the most noble thing for me to do was to not marry her and burden her with somebody as disgusting and shameful as myself. but now i understand. i was NOT disgusting or worthy of shame. i was a good person. i was bright and honest. i would have made a good husband and father. but i ruined my life by taking drugs for 3 years. i lost my chances. 20 years later - after those 3 years on drugs and 17 years drinking alcohol and taking meds - i can see that i was wrong. but i am too fukced up now. 20 years of self abuse has taken its toll. i am no longer bright. i am damaged goods and growing old. i fukced my life so badly. i am so alone. so sad. i really wish i had a gun. i am afraid of putting my head on the train tracks. anybody who has an easier way please PM me.
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