Venting new here, thank you for the space to vent

[halfstay]

heyo! im half. im a 20yo college drop out. oh and lizard enthusiast.

ive recently stopped all medications, therapy, psychiatry, etc. think thats a sign as good as any that the end is near. but naturally im trapped by the love i have for those who love me. they don't deserve the pain of having such a worthless and selfish son. so im trying to hold on for them but its bleak. they know i struggle with depression and that im bipolar, but i dont think they know just how bad its always been. they dont know i experience psychosis or just how much i self harm and want to die. even when im around my love ones, this separation makes me feel entirely alone. im sure most on here understand this.

ive been on more mood stabilizers, anti depressants, and antipsychotics than i can count now. but the one i just cold turkey'd is Effexor (venlafaxine i think?) basically the one you're really NOT supposed to cold turkey. im nauseous and cant think clearly, par for the course. i don't know why im doing this to be honest. it all started last month when three providers cancelled on me in the same week, followed by my therapist going on maternity leave. none of this is their fault, and im very happy for my therapist. but i cant bring myself to do it all anymore.

my therapist was kind and tried very hard to set me up with another provider. i lied to her and said i followed through so she could go on leave without worry. and as im typing all this i realize that this isnt all that uncommon for me. i didnt leave school because of bad grades. i had perfect grades. i just didnt have the money or will to do it anymore.

i guess ive come to terms with the fact that i cant die despite my wishes, and im not really ever going to live either. so i dont really want to try so hard anymore. ill do the passive things i have to in order to present myself as functioning. but im here to suffer eternally, and theres no good in fighting it. it just makes it hurt more every time i fail, and failing is the only thing i do. maybe one day ill have an episode and do something impulsive that will set me free. but for now, thanks for the space to vent.

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry for your suffering, I hope you find peace,
anyway, welcome to sasu

 

[halfstay]

I am very sorry for your suffering, I hope you find peace,
anyway, welcome to sasu

thank you friend :)
just using this thread to continue to vent so i dont take up more space on the main area or something, dont mind me TuT


it is nights like these that i do begin to become hopeful that the end is near. that i may have the courage to do it. but i know i will eventually go to sleep and wake up exhausted in the morning like always. and during the day ill convince myself that this is all bearable and im ready to do it all again for their sake. but truth be told its not. i am in agony.

i love her so much but sometimes i wish she wasnt in my life so that this could be so much easier. i cant leave her alone here but i cant do it anymore. shes my only reason for waking up and pretending at life, and she doesnt even live in the same state as me. i talk with her maybe once a week? often less than that when we get busy. but she always says that if i kill myself shes going to kill herself too. it hurts too much. i cant. but at this rate im never going to see her in person again and its all my fault. i dont think we've hugged in half a decade. but i just want to die beside her and have her tell me its okay and that she understands and doesnt hate me for it. but that will never happen. ill be alone when i go. and ill die just the way i lived, making everyone's life around me worse.

 

[halfstay]

god I'm such a stupid piece of shit. every time a good thing happens in my life I just ruin it.

I got a new job opportunity which requires paid academy training that starts tomorrow at a different location than I currently work. But I forgot my home location closes early on Sundays so I couldn't grab my uniform or workbook or supplies.

I'm gonna show up tomorrow for a work opportunity without any of the items I was told to bring. Literally won't even have the company uniform. I'm such a fucking joke I shouldn't even show up