Hi everyone, I'm new here, been lurking for a long time, but finally dedecided to make an account!
I've always been a bit of a loner, I was single for a huge part of my life, I used to sit at home in my parents house playing video games and being alone, always wanted a girlfriend and was depressed that I was never able to talk to girls or if I did I was friend zoned, then when I told them about my feelings I was ghosted. Not that my parents ever said anything to me, I felt an immense pressure that being the last male with my family name, that if I didn't have children then my families name and bloodline would die with me. It sound stupid but I felt useless that I may never have had children! I would often fantasise about suicide, I used to imagine hanging myself from a tree that me and my friends used to play on, I often burnt myself as a way to de stress!
I had plenty of friends, however I was always the subject of their jokes, I was publicly embarrassed by them multiple times from being left in the city on my own after a night out, being degraded in front of girls for their fun, to them telling my work friends that I was a virgin and a looser. But they were the only friends I had and when I used to confront them about what they did I was told it was just banter, and I should lighten up, so I accepted this is what friends do if wasn't until recently I found out that's not the case. It's affected how I treat friends I have now, I feel myself insulting and making fun of new friends as I dont really know how to act with them. It's messed up!
after years of being a lonely looser I finally met a girl who didn't ghost me, life finally picked up, I was and to an extent still am happy. We are still together and have children, it wasn't until I had children that I realised my stress about the family line was just a stupid thing I used to have in my head, I've realised that I must always make my kids know that there should be no pressure to make us proud, I am and always will be proud of them and they can be who they want to be and nothing will change how I feel, this is something I wish I was told by my parents.
Not long after I met my girlfriend we moved in together away from my family, I stopped seeing my so-called friends as much, the love and kindness my girlfriend and her family showed me made me realise that the friends I had were toxic. After maybe a year or so one of my friends insulted my girlfriend openly in a group chat, I confronted him about it and left the chat, he called me to "apologise" but was more of a "sorry if it offended you" type of apology. Not one of my other friends reached out to see how I was feeling and it was at this point I realised I didn't need them in my life so I cut them out completely and haven't spoken to a single one in years. My sister also doesn't talk to me anymore, she's friends with the one who insulted, she doesn't even acknowledge my kids, they don't even know who she is and don't know I have a sister as I don't talk about her. My mom has said before that the kids will miss out on having her as an aunt, but I just think they won't miss what she never gave them!
we eventually moved across the country to be closer to her family. Things were great as her family were so welcoming to the family and I was so happy, it wasn't until I started to realise her family was just as toxic as other people in my life. Her mom used to always ask to borrow money which I used to lend and was told when it would be paid back but I would have to ask her constantly for it back. I'm not talking like hundreds it's more thousands! One of the final straws with her was when we had come into some money and was going to use it for home improvemts, she somehow talked us into sending it to her to keep it safe so we didn't spend it, so we sent her over $15,000. It wasn't until the night before the builders came that her dad came to the house to tell us she had spent the whole lot and had no way of paying it back, he had to go get a loan to clean up her mess. The final straw for us was when she talked us into lying to my parents to borrow money for car repairs and give it her, she told us she would pay it back the following Monday which we told my mom, however when Monday came she didn't pay it back, and didn't pay it for over a month, to which my parents fell out with us thinking we were ripping them off.
Turns out her mother is a gambling addict and alcoholic, and uses emotional blackmail to control the family. Anyone who she can't manipulate she cuts out of her life. This means that once my girlfriend Stopped taking her crap and stood up to her she was pushed away, her mother barely contacts us anymore which is a blessing as we are never asked for money now.
I get on with all her siblings, however some of them see us as a personal bank, messages at least a few times a week asking for money, the only time some of them ever talk to us, makes pathetic attempt to see how we are before the money question. We're not financially poor but we aren't well off so when we do lend money it puts us at a financial disadvantage.
my relationship with my girlfriend is generally great, however I have lost sex drive and it's now affecting the relationship, she's noticed I never initiate sex and we maybe have sex once a month. When we argue life is shit, recently over the last year arguments have ended with her enraged and lashing out and hitting me, she's left me with bruises and even bust my nose quite bad the last time. I wouldn't say it's abusive, just a heat of the moment thing, it's only happened maybe 4 times.
I am happy, but I feel myself getting more and more depressed, I have often thought of cbt, maybe hanging myself, I've read about sn which could be an option. One option that I have been thinking was after another argument, after she calmed down she said that she gets so angry that sometimes she feels she could kill me, My option is to goad her so much and get her that angry that she will end it for me. But I don't want my kids to be without us both because her toxic mother will get them and fuck them up!
Sorry for the long thread, I needed to vent, I just don't realise how much I needed to vent. But it's good to be here, and nice to finally talk to you all.
I've always been a bit of a loner, I was single for a huge part of my life, I used to sit at home in my parents house playing video games and being alone, always wanted a girlfriend and was depressed that I was never able to talk to girls or if I did I was friend zoned, then when I told them about my feelings I was ghosted. Not that my parents ever said anything to me, I felt an immense pressure that being the last male with my family name, that if I didn't have children then my families name and bloodline would die with me. It sound stupid but I felt useless that I may never have had children! I would often fantasise about suicide, I used to imagine hanging myself from a tree that me and my friends used to play on, I often burnt myself as a way to de stress!
I had plenty of friends, however I was always the subject of their jokes, I was publicly embarrassed by them multiple times from being left in the city on my own after a night out, being degraded in front of girls for their fun, to them telling my work friends that I was a virgin and a looser. But they were the only friends I had and when I used to confront them about what they did I was told it was just banter, and I should lighten up, so I accepted this is what friends do if wasn't until recently I found out that's not the case. It's affected how I treat friends I have now, I feel myself insulting and making fun of new friends as I dont really know how to act with them. It's messed up!
after years of being a lonely looser I finally met a girl who didn't ghost me, life finally picked up, I was and to an extent still am happy. We are still together and have children, it wasn't until I had children that I realised my stress about the family line was just a stupid thing I used to have in my head, I've realised that I must always make my kids know that there should be no pressure to make us proud, I am and always will be proud of them and they can be who they want to be and nothing will change how I feel, this is something I wish I was told by my parents.
Not long after I met my girlfriend we moved in together away from my family, I stopped seeing my so-called friends as much, the love and kindness my girlfriend and her family showed me made me realise that the friends I had were toxic. After maybe a year or so one of my friends insulted my girlfriend openly in a group chat, I confronted him about it and left the chat, he called me to "apologise" but was more of a "sorry if it offended you" type of apology. Not one of my other friends reached out to see how I was feeling and it was at this point I realised I didn't need them in my life so I cut them out completely and haven't spoken to a single one in years. My sister also doesn't talk to me anymore, she's friends with the one who insulted, she doesn't even acknowledge my kids, they don't even know who she is and don't know I have a sister as I don't talk about her. My mom has said before that the kids will miss out on having her as an aunt, but I just think they won't miss what she never gave them!
we eventually moved across the country to be closer to her family. Things were great as her family were so welcoming to the family and I was so happy, it wasn't until I started to realise her family was just as toxic as other people in my life. Her mom used to always ask to borrow money which I used to lend and was told when it would be paid back but I would have to ask her constantly for it back. I'm not talking like hundreds it's more thousands! One of the final straws with her was when we had come into some money and was going to use it for home improvemts, she somehow talked us into sending it to her to keep it safe so we didn't spend it, so we sent her over $15,000. It wasn't until the night before the builders came that her dad came to the house to tell us she had spent the whole lot and had no way of paying it back, he had to go get a loan to clean up her mess. The final straw for us was when she talked us into lying to my parents to borrow money for car repairs and give it her, she told us she would pay it back the following Monday which we told my mom, however when Monday came she didn't pay it back, and didn't pay it for over a month, to which my parents fell out with us thinking we were ripping them off.
Turns out her mother is a gambling addict and alcoholic, and uses emotional blackmail to control the family. Anyone who she can't manipulate she cuts out of her life. This means that once my girlfriend Stopped taking her crap and stood up to her she was pushed away, her mother barely contacts us anymore which is a blessing as we are never asked for money now.
I get on with all her siblings, however some of them see us as a personal bank, messages at least a few times a week asking for money, the only time some of them ever talk to us, makes pathetic attempt to see how we are before the money question. We're not financially poor but we aren't well off so when we do lend money it puts us at a financial disadvantage.
my relationship with my girlfriend is generally great, however I have lost sex drive and it's now affecting the relationship, she's noticed I never initiate sex and we maybe have sex once a month. When we argue life is shit, recently over the last year arguments have ended with her enraged and lashing out and hitting me, she's left me with bruises and even bust my nose quite bad the last time. I wouldn't say it's abusive, just a heat of the moment thing, it's only happened maybe 4 times.
I am happy, but I feel myself getting more and more depressed, I have often thought of cbt, maybe hanging myself, I've read about sn which could be an option. One option that I have been thinking was after another argument, after she calmed down she said that she gets so angry that sometimes she feels she could kill me, My option is to goad her so much and get her that angry that she will end it for me. But I don't want my kids to be without us both because her toxic mother will get them and fuck them up!
Sorry for the long thread, I needed to vent, I just don't realise how much I needed to vent. But it's good to be here, and nice to finally talk to you all.
