Sorry this is so long. Been lurking for a while now. A year and a half ago, my husband died unexpected of a massive heart attack. He was my best and only friend. We were together all day, every day, for over 25 years. We loved all the same things and built great memories together. Since he died, Ive never felt so alone. Many days i cant get out of bed. I used to be such a fun person, and now Im terrified of everything. The second year without him is even worse than the first. My only happiness is having dreams with him or my parents.
My parents have also passed fairly recently and only my sister is left. She has tried to help me - mainly by saying i should move closer to her - but she's busy with her own family.
I worry that i missed my best chance at exiting in private, because now i live near her, in an apartment seven hours away, in a depressing town that I cant stand. I have a few weeks until the official closing of the sale of my house, it's technically still mine and empty. Im considering driving there this wknd or next wknd to use CO in a small bathroom. It's all i can think about.
I feel horribly guilty that i would leave my little sister behind. But at least she has a husband and daughter, and I have no one else. She is the only thing that stops me. But i live in so much pain from the losses and loneliness. It all makes me nauseous and mentally exhausted, going between wanting so badly to ctb and feeling obligated to stay alive for my sister.
Now i just sit here all day and wonder if i really have the nerve to do it. I know about CO and how to do it properly. I feel so stupid for not doing it sooner, before I agreed to move away. Again the guilt got me.
I guess if i dont drive out there now, i can consider the R2D rebreather, but that makes me nervous until a few more successes are reported. I also have a ton of Ami and Flexeril, but no way to get AE or benzos. I dont think i could handle the pain of Ami awake.
I just really wish we were all free to leave once the party's over! Thanks for listening. You guys have made me feel not quite so alone the past few months.
My parents have also passed fairly recently and only my sister is left. She has tried to help me - mainly by saying i should move closer to her - but she's busy with her own family.
I worry that i missed my best chance at exiting in private, because now i live near her, in an apartment seven hours away, in a depressing town that I cant stand. I have a few weeks until the official closing of the sale of my house, it's technically still mine and empty. Im considering driving there this wknd or next wknd to use CO in a small bathroom. It's all i can think about.
I feel horribly guilty that i would leave my little sister behind. But at least she has a husband and daughter, and I have no one else. She is the only thing that stops me. But i live in so much pain from the losses and loneliness. It all makes me nauseous and mentally exhausted, going between wanting so badly to ctb and feeling obligated to stay alive for my sister.
Now i just sit here all day and wonder if i really have the nerve to do it. I know about CO and how to do it properly. I feel so stupid for not doing it sooner, before I agreed to move away. Again the guilt got me.
I guess if i dont drive out there now, i can consider the R2D rebreather, but that makes me nervous until a few more successes are reported. I also have a ton of Ami and Flexeril, but no way to get AE or benzos. I dont think i could handle the pain of Ami awake.
I just really wish we were all free to leave once the party's over! Thanks for listening. You guys have made me feel not quite so alone the past few months.
