unnormal9
SOLDIER T.
- Apr 12, 2023
- 1,139
I've always wanted to die for as long as I memory though most of it is gone now; as far back as a middle school I've always was intrigued with death and peace of nothingness. of course all my doctors tried to steer me out of it, but it only got worse with time. it reached its worse 5 years ago, and even worse in 2020. it didn't help that other would tell me to kill myself, but as a caged avoidable rut they were right anyways.
I've been on so many meds i lost count, I've been overprescribed to where it needed to be cut back because of overdosing. I've been in and out the psych ward half my life; the longest was 3 years, via court order, when i finally got out i was even worse, a lot of abuse went on in there, worse in the longest, not a stranger to the previous; i.e. m1 holds, etc..
yes i've exhausted all options.
I'm here and I still want to die, but I'm in a lot more pain, a lot more from the result of bad side effects from the numerous meds I'd take every day; only to still cut, sometimes burn and strangle. I've tried all the conventional methods: hanging, partial hanging, jump-attempting, overdosing—just to end it already, of course none of those worked, and I've never thought to firearm. I, at least, wanted a peaceful exit as peaceful as it get, so I found about SS and later SN its resource threads but no source avail. I've read thoroughly stan's guide; still not the most peaceful, but a lot more peaceful than the latter methods, and euthanasia will never be a thing.
Between the time of finding SN, i wanted something to ease the pain meds just couldn't do, so i started writing. i always loved writing, it was the only outlet my pain could go, a lot of my therapists would give up on me after 3-5 months, so i'd rotate through a lot. no both the hotlines never did anything during the years. but now that I've sought SN i do feel relieved now. i'm just trying to get my disability so i get SN and infd a a source (CCS or IC?) and finally be at peace. I've endured this pain long enough. it's time i go.
I've been on so many meds i lost count, I've been overprescribed to where it needed to be cut back because of overdosing. I've been in and out the psych ward half my life; the longest was 3 years, via court order, when i finally got out i was even worse, a lot of abuse went on in there, worse in the longest, not a stranger to the previous; i.e. m1 holds, etc..
yes i've exhausted all options.
I'm here and I still want to die, but I'm in a lot more pain, a lot more from the result of bad side effects from the numerous meds I'd take every day; only to still cut, sometimes burn and strangle. I've tried all the conventional methods: hanging, partial hanging, jump-attempting, overdosing—just to end it already, of course none of those worked, and I've never thought to firearm. I, at least, wanted a peaceful exit as peaceful as it get, so I found about SS and later SN its resource threads but no source avail. I've read thoroughly stan's guide; still not the most peaceful, but a lot more peaceful than the latter methods, and euthanasia will never be a thing.
Between the time of finding SN, i wanted something to ease the pain meds just couldn't do, so i started writing. i always loved writing, it was the only outlet my pain could go, a lot of my therapists would give up on me after 3-5 months, so i'd rotate through a lot. no both the hotlines never did anything during the years. but now that I've sought SN i do feel relieved now. i'm just trying to get my disability so i get SN and infd a a source (CCS or IC?) and finally be at peace. I've endured this pain long enough. it's time i go.
