Venting Never wanting to be a human.

[st4r53t]

I hate myself.
I am a worthless, gray individual on this planet. My soul was trapped in a human body and now I have to suffer here.
I explain to myself that it's not my fault. It's not my fault that my selfish parents begat such a wreck to the world like me.
I really feel that being here is a punishment for me.
Never, I didn't ask to be here, I didn't want to be born.
I am sorry that my "human parents", do not have the kind of child they would like to have.
God, if you exist. You could have sent them a blessed human child, not a suffering soul trapped in a cage.

I am a nobody. Useless trash. Only death is my salvation. I desire it as much as anything else. My release.

During a certain period of my human existence, I tried to fit into human society, to be like others. Despite my attempts, I failed, because I am not made for this existence.
My created character is to be a kind, quiet and helpful person.
I wanted to plant the very good around me, because I know that on the whole globe I won't be able to do it.
My high sensitivity, every movement controlled by feelings and emotions, is trampled by others.
I loved to help other people, especially loved ones. I have always been a support at every step. I always extended a helping hand to them. I never intentionally hurt anyone.
But still - I was hurt.
I was stabbed in the back more than a dozen times.
I have been shown that being among these creatures, also makes no sense. I will never fit in here, because of the evil already spread around.
And so I know, not everyone is evil. I believe that, for example, you people on this forum. You possess more empathy.
However, I have never been met with understanding and help. No one has repaid me for my kindness.

To this constructed world, where man lords over man to his detriment, I do not fit.
The very ideology of working, or having a hobby.
I tried.
An artistic soul was awakening in me - I wrote books, loved music, drew, created.
It was beautiful - but not for me.
My mind quickly abandoned it, it gave me no pleasure looking where I was.
Work, it's meaningless. Most people's hands are tied on this planet because they have to work, they have to survive.
Busy all day long, just to survive and so on until they die. Like rats.

They tell me that I am sick, that I am crazy.
Not true. I just don't want to be here, I don't feel comfortable here. I don't feel like this is my place.

Conversations with a ''human therapist''? Nonsense.
I have been to 7 therapists after several sessions.
Every step of the way in our conversation was the same obvious things that I know myself.
They wouldn't understand.
Although one of them respected my decision to die and did not call the services.

Psychiatric drugs? Nonsense
I was stupefied by them, nailed to the bed. The drugs made me look sick. My whole head was spinning. Problems themselves. I am after almost twenty different medications with no positive effects.
This shows that I am not sick.

I hate myself - this human body in which I reside. Human nature has also rebuked me with my appearance. I am disgusting and ugly.

I won't fit in here and never have. For 13 years I have been fantasizing about death. Day in and day out. I hate being human and regret being trapped here. I pray to the heavens every night to be taken from this hell. Please.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, I also very much hate existing as a human and only wish for the relief of death.

 

[st4r53t]

I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, I also very much hate existing as a human and only wish for the relief of death.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Also, I hope you achieve your freedom. It is written for us, I believe in it.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate to not wanting to be a human. Hopefully you find peace one day

 

[R_N]

You expressed your feelings beautifully.

 

[st4r53t]

You expressed your feelings beautifully.

Thank you so much dear, really c';

 

[sserafim]

I've never wanted to be human either. I've always wanted to be a cat

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

They don't understand the edge until they're there. They don't understand that there's more than the tip of an iceberg. I've seen the edge, it's eye opening, bizarre. It's intrusive thoughts taking over your body and mind. It's an illness...not one you can simply snap out of. They say medication helps, but in reality it merely makes you sleep more. Zombifies you. Too tired to listen to the intrusive thoughts. Too tired. Some how the past is becoming the present...but in a different format this time. I see my past in someone else's eyes. I see their pain where mine once was. I see them, I hear them. Feel them. I was there. I was ecstatic, not because they were in pain but because I was not insane.