BecomingTired
Lov3rBoy<3
- Feb 23, 2024
- 96
Does any of you guys have parents that genuinely despise you? Not them being tired of you but still clearly love you or them nagging about things; very much clear disgust in your presence and pleasure in hating you. I already knew my mom and stepdad was kind of life this since I was the child of the man who abused her and I was practically the chain that was still binding her to him, especially my mom since she would tell me how much i ruined her life, how I am utterly useless no matter how well i did and how disgusted and angry she was about her life sucking, she would even often call me the son of a devil or smth who took after my bio dad ever since we went homeless around me being 5 but ig i still had a slight thought she might still love me even a tiny bit, and maybe she doesn't realise how much she hurt me; especially since, although she still would verbally insult me, it was much more tame and she even stopped physically abusing me ever since she met my stepdad but ig i shouldn't have let that get to my head. I was planning to suicide on oct 1st, detailed, planned and everything but i couldn't get into the university accomodation i was supposed to do it in since both my mom and stepdad refused to be the guarantors of the accomodation since they didnt want me to go to uni in the first place(they just wanted me to work and send them money lol), i probably was gonna pussy out anyways because of a really kind and cool sasu friend i met here who I genuinely consider my best bro, he helped me out with how i been feeling alot; so it bummed me out but i still was ok outside of me feeling much more depressed since the day past. Idk what came over me, maybe it was the insomnia catching up to me but today i thought it would be a good idea to open up ever so slightly to my mom because I struggled with trust issues for my whole life and thought maybe i should trust people again. Lmao, as soon as I finished my small talk where I just told her I been feeling tired recently and thought it might be best I get a therapist, she instantly started berating every single bit of my existence, blaming it all on my reliance on coffee, how she doesn't care because she's already dealing with a lot, how she wished she signed so i could just go already, how evrrytjing is my fault and i should just shut up since it's because of my habits anyways and starting going on in detail on how i ruined her and her life, how Im making the problems myself lol. pages worth of how stupid i am and if i go to a doctor/therapist about my insomnia, depression, dissociation etc they would just say the same things she said. Whenever I thought it would stop, she just went on another rant about something else, like how much better my step brothers am and how she doesn't care about how I'm feeling. She only ended it off once I started hyperventilating a bit and she just scoffed while saying it's my fault anyways; it feels like all the trust issues and depression just been reinforced, idk why i expected anything when I knew she hated me so much; it was literally my step-brother's birthday today, that I didn't want to go to since I'd probably just be intruding on their happy family bonding, and i get a ping from my bank that my mom decided to use some of maintenance loan money from SLA for university to buy expensive foods in a restaurant, like far far more than she ever would on her own card and even buy him a gift with my own card lmao. The money that was supposed to go to paying for the accomodation I planned to go to as well as all the books and stuff i need, she decided to spend it on his birthday instead of her own money; she even came back home with a big smile when I asked her why she used my card, she acted like it's fine anyways and she didn't care. Oml, my head just feels like its splitting into two, my whole life sucked for so many different reasons but my parents always somehow come out on top on the number 1 reason, I genuinely regret not dying on october 1st and ever having a remote amount of trust in anyone irl, they just break it anyways because that's life; I'm such a joke it hurts, I can't even help my friend properly because of this stupid headache my brain is killing me. It's all a joke, I thought atleast my lil brothers liked me but the only biological one got kicked out and the other two honestly don't seem to care what happens to me. I'm so tired, I feel so alone. It's so fucking funny I thought my opinions genuinely mattered, I'm fucking worthless dude. I shouldn't have ever trusted anyone, I'm literally an idiot. I'm never trusting people again, I'm not gonna go to stupid therapy where they'll probably slap on a prescription and empty words then be done with it, I'm just gonna deal with all this myself or die.
Sorry for the long rant, this was gonna be posted in the doomer chat but I didn't want to flood it with my long ramble.
Sorry for the long rant, this was gonna be posted in the doomer chat but I didn't want to flood it with my long ramble.
