Never thought it to be this hard

[SpaxeZ]

I never thought committing suicide would be this complex. I tend to read suicide news most of the times and I see many people much younger than me just got emotional and went for it and succeeded but having had a failed attempt myself with partial hanging and how my life got miserable with Tinnitus as a result for a year after I appreciate the warnings being given on this forum. I just always used to think that if I ever fuck up my life I'll just kill myself and done. But it's not that easy. I knew of a girl who killed herself by overdose on some pills. So lucky. That almost never works. I'm just in a very trapped position in life rn. Did a stupid act caused myself a permanent injury that turned what could have been a perfect life into living hell. I'm only 25. Been 5 years now. Haven't made it yet. Feeling so trapped. So sad of how I messed up my perfect life. The fear of failing again and ending up with worse situation is what that has kept me from committing again. But I have the ideation and plans of doing it 24/7. Even in my dreams I have nightmares of killing myself. I wish there to be nothing after death but have watched many NDE videos just in case telling to avoid going into the light and just exiting the earth but then again wouldn't such existence be boring. Would there be better and more fun places out there to go? No one knows for sure. But I surely can't live like this. That I know for sure. And I definitely don't wanna make this worse that's also what I'm sure of. My method of choice rn is drowning with weights. I just need a boat to go far far deep into the ocean where I can't be spotted and rescued. It could have been even nicer if I had a private swimming pool. My simpler method is plastic bag with handcuffing myself hugging a tree deep in the jungle. But sadly where I live there is no remote jungle out there.. there are small houses everywhere I went.. I'm afraid of making noise while suffocating and drawing their attention.

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms, I hate how it's so hard to die and I hate how we exist in this anti-suicide society where suicide is cruelly made as inaccessible as possible for people.

The fact that suicide is so difficult is also what's kept me trapped here, in my case the methods are either risky or inaccessible, I envy those who managed to succeed in suicide despite this reality.
It's so horrible how we cannot just choose to die in peace without complications and risks, I feel like those who say that suicide is easy are either lying or ignorant.

 

[Neogoloid]

How did you fail? What went wrong?