Hon, never, ever feel like this was your fault. You were a youngin and someone took advantage of your naivety and innocence-both of which are completely sacred considering looking at human experience. That shit can only last so long. It's beyond precious. You don't have to live with this anymore. I love you.
so idfk if i quoted properly or if it'll work as quoted idk ive never done that before.
thank you. i still deal with my own symptoms of PTSD and i have several other dx's and dissociation is just the default way my brain/body copes. my trauma response is freeze, and that coupled with feelings of my being compliant and complicit in my grooming (i was at the time of the opinion that i was ok with it and exploring my sexuality and just experimenting) make feeling deserving or worthy of healing and treatment really difficult. i got out around 17, and i kicked my drug addiction at 16. and there is so much i have blocked out. i actually ended up crossing paths with and briefly befriendedsomeone who had met me over the years of my addiction and SW and earlier traumas and this person told me things that happened to me that i have zero recollection of. i know what they told me is true and did happen based on locations and some names and names i was associated with, this person im certain wasn't making shit up, every detail lined up. at this point im appreciative of my ability to dissociate. i know if i remember any more of any of it im just.. not going to come out of that catatonia. my situation was odd, i often felt i was consenting and still struggle with understanding i couldn't.
what you did was important work and especially to do so at 16, that's fucking hard. im so proud of you and i wish you didn't Know the feeling of trauma and flashbacks- idk if it would be of any help for you, but i have trauma nightmares every night (not just from that time period, there's more to it but whatever) and i take prazosin, it helps a bit sometimes. it might be worth looking into for yourself if you have coverage and access to psychiatry.
sending so much love and strength.
you're incredible, and i admit i cried the first time i read your post.
i wish there were more like you and less like the men and organizations in power who kept me dependent and profited off me - i didn't make a goddamn dime and if i did it just went to more drugs. no one cared that i was a minor, they actually did all they could to hide that while promoting that to profit more off my body.
i had to drag myself out of that hole alone, and while sometimes im grateful my story didn't make the news and im able to mostly go unrecognized there are times i wish id had help. my healing has been and is so.. rocky and unpredictable and non linear, and sometimes i question why i try. but please know you did more good than you can fucking imagine though that doesn't free you of your own resulting trauma and you deserve to grow from that. you're amazing and what you did is as well. please don't be hard on yourself - flashbacks and PTSD symptoms make sense here but you did such good. that doesn't make trauma any easier, but if possible just try to be gentle and remind yourself this (the trauma) isn't your fault and is completely valid. you are so loved and so appreciated.
