KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
Immediately after Christmas I got in an argument with my partner where he was lying about his feelings to me and screamed at me when I tried to go to his room and talk to him about it. He wanted to be alone but refused to tell me what the problem was.
I left him alone, worried, and then tried to text him an hour later. He came downstairs to get something but still refused to speak or look at me. I texted him again and told him I was sick with anxiety and just wanted to know if something was wrong, please talk to me.
Funny to think that all this caused an explosive argument where he called me an evil manipulative cunt, threatened to kick me out on the street, told me I was arrogant and need to humble myself, and a host of other things. He started to guilt trip me and tell me all the things he does for me because of my illness, the money he spends, and then said I am a lying hypocrite for telling him not to worry about me while simultaneously expecting him to care for me and do things when I'm physically unable to.
I broke down from all of this and said that it would be better off for him and the world if I could just ctb, which is how I honestly feel. He said it takes a disgusting evil cunt to say such a thing, have my views on ctb, and that it was insanely manipulative. I didn't want anything from him, or to make him think a certain way. I just wanted him to know that I agree with him that I am a burden and tell my honest feelings. I was told to grow up, start acting like an adult, and take personal responsibility, whatever that means.
After being told how horrible I was for hours and forced to apologise for things I did not do or were taken out of context, I went in another room, cried, and scratched my arms until they were swollen. When my bf saw me crying he just rolled his eyes and sighed before he said, "Come on. I have to go to bed."
I have literally no one in this world, and I need assistance from others to survive. My existence here relies on having a partner in the future for a partner visa because I am too disabled to work, and I always trusted that my partner loved me. I cannot live in my home country because even with multiple physical and mental illnesses and disabilities I could not get benefits and the agencies to help disabled people were trying to force me to work when I either get fired due to not being fast enough or getting sick too often, or couldn't do the job because the fatigue and pain got so bad everyday I'd nearly fall asleep at work. I also cannot get hired anywhere with decent pay anyways because I have not completed my degree.
I know now for sure there is nothing. I am a toy to be discarded and there is no way for me to live with autism, chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS, neuropathic pain, ptsd, and a couple other annoying conditions. Every morning I wake up sick and dizzy, can't even eat because the pain is so bad, and have to lie in bed for over an hour after I've already slept usually 10 or so hours because I'm so disoriented and exhausted.
Fuck living in such a cruel world. I would ctb right this second if I had the means to. Just having to bide time until I can find somewhere to get the SN delivered to.
Also have uni exams in less than 2 weeks and sure as hell can't revise for those in such a state. Life really is the gift that keeps on giving...
I left him alone, worried, and then tried to text him an hour later. He came downstairs to get something but still refused to speak or look at me. I texted him again and told him I was sick with anxiety and just wanted to know if something was wrong, please talk to me.
Funny to think that all this caused an explosive argument where he called me an evil manipulative cunt, threatened to kick me out on the street, told me I was arrogant and need to humble myself, and a host of other things. He started to guilt trip me and tell me all the things he does for me because of my illness, the money he spends, and then said I am a lying hypocrite for telling him not to worry about me while simultaneously expecting him to care for me and do things when I'm physically unable to.
I broke down from all of this and said that it would be better off for him and the world if I could just ctb, which is how I honestly feel. He said it takes a disgusting evil cunt to say such a thing, have my views on ctb, and that it was insanely manipulative. I didn't want anything from him, or to make him think a certain way. I just wanted him to know that I agree with him that I am a burden and tell my honest feelings. I was told to grow up, start acting like an adult, and take personal responsibility, whatever that means.
After being told how horrible I was for hours and forced to apologise for things I did not do or were taken out of context, I went in another room, cried, and scratched my arms until they were swollen. When my bf saw me crying he just rolled his eyes and sighed before he said, "Come on. I have to go to bed."
I have literally no one in this world, and I need assistance from others to survive. My existence here relies on having a partner in the future for a partner visa because I am too disabled to work, and I always trusted that my partner loved me. I cannot live in my home country because even with multiple physical and mental illnesses and disabilities I could not get benefits and the agencies to help disabled people were trying to force me to work when I either get fired due to not being fast enough or getting sick too often, or couldn't do the job because the fatigue and pain got so bad everyday I'd nearly fall asleep at work. I also cannot get hired anywhere with decent pay anyways because I have not completed my degree.
I know now for sure there is nothing. I am a toy to be discarded and there is no way for me to live with autism, chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS, neuropathic pain, ptsd, and a couple other annoying conditions. Every morning I wake up sick and dizzy, can't even eat because the pain is so bad, and have to lie in bed for over an hour after I've already slept usually 10 or so hours because I'm so disoriented and exhausted.
Fuck living in such a cruel world. I would ctb right this second if I had the means to. Just having to bide time until I can find somewhere to get the SN delivered to.
Also have uni exams in less than 2 weeks and sure as hell can't revise for those in such a state. Life really is the gift that keeps on giving...
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