Help Need support for having broken silence about abuse

[Brackenshire]

Thank you

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you

I feel like you were looking for the Random Thoughts thread and accidentally commented on this one! I've already had enough gaslighting from my parents, tyvm. Who are you thanking and for what?

 

[Brackenshire]

Im not a gas lighter. I appreciate you putting to words a issue a lot of us on this forum have to deal with. Unfortunately my parents are deceased so i cant ask them why.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Unfortunately my parents are deceased so i cant ask them why.

Yeah, it's very difficult not having answers. I'm sorry you didn't get any. There are lots of books that explain different patterns, and in the past year I've come across some that really helped, but it's not the same as hearing it from them and getting a history, and even then, it will be their interpretation and will only be so reliable. Of course, if they scapegoated like my parents, then they would have told you you're the reason why.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Brackenshire, I owe you an apology.

When I read your comment, I felt some cognitive dissonance, and I handled it poorly, such that you felt labeled and had to defend yourself. I knew I was off when I responded but I went ahead. I'm sorry for doing that, and for any hurt or discomfort my action caused.

I"m working on doing better with such things. The first step is recognizing it, the second step is apologizing, and the third step is figuring out how to do better.

If I had it to do over again, I would say, "@Brackenshire, I felt some cognitive dissonance when I read that. I'm not sure what you're saying thank you for. Would you please tell me what you meant?"

Would that have been better? Can you suggest an even better way?

There is one more step. What can I do to set right for you anything that I knocked over with my unthinking and bullish behavior? I am willing to listen to how you felt, any harm I did, any criticism you have, and any requests you would like to make of me.

 

[Brackenshire]

Thank you for the apology, that means a lot to me. We are fine. We all have a little trouble now and then, its how we perceive it which might not be how it was intended. ❤

 

[Pryras]

Well, I finally did it. I finally got to the point that my self-respect said no more. 49 years of this shit, stood up for myself, and relinquished responsbility for protecting my parents. I wrote a letter and mailed it to several of my parents' friends and our extended family.

For those who don't know, my parents discarded me years ago when I finally demanded they be accountable for their abuse. Since then, my mom keeps posting an old picture of us as her facebook profile photo and spoke for me as if we're still in contact. I've told her to knock it off, made threats, made it clear how unethical it is do so, but she refuses to comply and instead doubles down, so I'm following through on the consequences I set for her boundary violation, and also finally exposing the abuse history. She's not a full-on narcissist, but she has a lot of the characteristics and most of her narcissistic control and abuse are directed at me, some at my dad who is her enabler.

The letter I sent out is in the spoiler. I used my parents' first names in the letter, but I've put D for my dad and M for my mom.

Now that I've definitively acted, I'm getting the first of the internal responses that I've betrayed/harmed/abused them. @Pryras if you read this, I know you totally get this. The guilt/shame message that I betrayed them is that I shared a personal detail of my mother's that was not mine to share, which is that she was a victim of and witness to domestic violence growing up, and she barely views it that way and I don't think she's ever told anyone outside of immediate family. So I'm getting whipped by the idea that I exposed something personal that I had no right to. Rationally, I've also stopped being responsible for holding the family secrets of domestic violence, and one is only as free as their secrets allow them to be, but it wasn't my right to disclose her story that wasn't a direct part of my own experience. Part of the conditioning was that I was supposed to be super-moral, and they acted like they were super-moral when they weren't. The internal whipping feels like shit. I need some outside perspective on this. I do know it's a magnified response.

I ask for gentle comments, please, or at least assertive -- not blaming or punishing or harshly criticizing me. I can handle constructive criticism, not tearing down. This is a huge, huge moment for me and if you don't get that, please refrain from commenting. If you feel like beating me up, yuck. If you feel like telling me to have compassion or kindness for my parents, please refrain, I've poured so much of that into my relationship with them and got repeatedly assaulted and betrayed. I'm not trying to betray them back, the disclosure made sense when I wrote it, and now I can't take it back and, well, if you had my abuse history, you'd understand that I wasn't supposed to speak out about anything, and the letter explains how it was my responsibility to guard the secrets.

I'm sure I will be posting plenty more on this thread; this is only the first punishing assault from the conditioning I was raised with to never expose the abuse.

Okay, I'm done babbling. Here's the letter:

Spoiler

Greetings from GPE. I hope this letter finds you well. I'm reaching out to advise you that you have been willfully misinformed about the status of my relationship with D and M.

I have had brief contact only a few times with them since a conflict between us in 2012, which ended in estrangement after their continued refusal, in spite of medical evidence, to be held accountable for the domestic violence in our home from my earliest years until we moved to [state name; letter recipients will know I was a senior in high school]. A couple years before the conflict, M and I had a telephone conversation about her own experience of domestic violence in which she said, "I guess I brought some of that to you." She never mentioned it again. D has always maintained the violence "wasn't that bad," and that M had "every right" to assault me and I had "no right to" defend myself. In 2016, I reached out via phone and email to offer forgiveness and attempt a reconciliation, but M told me via email that while they were relieved to know I was doing well and wished me the best, they were tired of the blame games and had decided to permanently sever contact. The email was signed with love by Mom, Dad, [dog], and the cats I wasn't aware they had.

In 2018, I discovered M had created a Facebook account, was using a picture of us from 1990 as her profile photo, and was speaking for me in the comments. I emailed her and demanded she delete the photo from her account within a week, otherwise I would advise everyone who had liked and commented on the photo of the actual status of our relationship. She immediately changed her profile photo and hid her friends list, but the picture remained in her profile photo album. Two days before the deadline, I sent her a reminder of my demand, along with screenshots of the reacts and comments, and she immediately deleted the photo.

This August, I discovered M had re-uploaded the picture and was again using it as her profile photo. A few weeks later, I mailed something separately to each D and M to let them know I was aware of the boundary violation and that it was unethical. As of this writing, the photo has not been changed.

If I remain silent, I relinquish my self-respect, boundaries and autonomy to D and M. My public silence reinforces their beliefs that they have the right to: be violent toward me; override my autonomy and boundaries; have tantrums and punish me when I do not act according to their wishes and convenience, even in how I conduct my life; make me responsible for their actions and therefore expect me to protect them from any consequences; and expect me to maintain secrecy and any other necessary burdens to keep their reputations spotless since any sins they commit, I caused them to commit. In short, silence encourages the tormenter, never the tormented (Elie Wiesel).

D and M do not know where I am, what I'm doing, or how I am, and they haven't for a long time. For my safety and well-being, they never will again. I will not communicate with them for any reason, nor again with you, as doing so exposes me to risk of further aggression.

With sincere best regards,

GPE

@Pryras and @Fedrea especially, I would appreciate your insights if you want to give them. If it doesn't feel right for you or you just don't want to, it's totally okay. I don't mean to put you on the spot.

I Wish I checked in sooner, I am SO proud of you for doing this and I understand what you're feeling. How are you doing as of now? What emotions are you feeling? You had every right to share the truth, the REALITY and once she crossed your boundary it's a very real consequence for her actions, it's not okay for her to spread lies. And what she does after the fact is not your problem, you shared your truth and that's all that matters. I felt the same way, a lot of emotions, a lot of back and forth. At the end of the day I shared what I had to, I did what I needed to. I'm in a better Frame of mind because of it, not initially that was all panic and regret but now I know it was the right thing to do. Do you feel safe? I'll read your updates and follow you through this. Big hugs from me

 

[puppy9]

I'm happy for you. It's painful but it's worth it most of the time; you thought me that from all of your threads. I learned a lot from you. Thanks

 

[puppy9]

thought

*taught @GoodPersonEffed

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I Wish I checked in sooner, I am SO proud of you for doing this and I understand what you're feeling. How are you doing as of now? What emotions are you feeling? You had every right to share the truth, the REALITY and once she crossed your boundary it's a very real consequence for her actions, it's not okay for her to spread lies. And what she does after the fact is not your problem, you shared your truth and that's all that matters. I felt the same way, a lot of emotions, a lot of back and forth. At the end of the day I shared what I had to, I did what I needed to. I'm in a better Frame of mind because of it, not initially that was all panic and regret but now I know it was the right thing to do. Do you feel safe? I'll read your updates and follow you through this. Big hugs from me

@Pryras, I'm a little concerned about you. Your writing style has changed.

It's painful but it's worth it most of the time; you thought me that from all of your threads. I learned a lot from you.

And now you're reflecting it back to me when I need it. Thank you.


And I knew what you meant. No need to feel or to . It didn't make me feel or or .

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I kept checking my mother's Facebook page to see if she'd taken down the photo. Since I'm not in touch with any of the people I wrote to and they have no way to reach me, that's the best way for me to know if one of them -- and I predict someone will -- has contacted her to say, "I got a letter from GPE."

The photo didn't change, and the mailing service never gave me tracking numbers and wouldn't reply to my emails, so I did some research and the company has crap reviews.

I edited the letter (I did not take out the part about my mother's experience of domestic violence) and sent it through a different company. I got the tracking info, and the first people should be receiving their letters this week. Since I've learned so much about manipulation, I added a paragraph about noticing how my parents respond to the information to show whether they're remorseful for lying to their friends and family, or just doubing down on their abusiveness, I illustrated how what they're doing is still domestic violence, even though I no longer have bruises under my clothes, and I added that I'm sad that they're going to experience embarassment and pain (I do have compassion for that), but that I'm not responsible for them lying to the letter recipient or for them shunning me, and they are not taking ownership of their actions.

I'm not afraid of my parents at all. I'm just very aware that this is going to change their relationships and their lives. Something I've done is going to have a huge impact on them (they always acted like what I did with my own life had a huge impact on them, but this is actually about them). I've been doing more studying on recovering from narcissistic abuse, and while I wish I could just shrug off what they're doing with manipulating my identity for their reputations -- I have really, really tried -- it's also important that I take back the story of my body and my life for mysef, and that I follow through on the difficult but rational consequences I set for their really crappy, boundary-shitting actions.

This isn't about revenge and hurting them, never has been; it's about taking ownership of what is mine and giving them back ownership of what is theirs. It won't change them for the better, but if there is the tiniest chance they do change for the better (and there isn't one), I'm going to remain in no contact because they're just not safe. This experience is reifying the self-respect I've earned over the past near-decade of self work, where in spite of pain and challenges, I've taken ownership of and responsbility for me. Inside, they have less and less of the power of "Mom" and "Dad" and are becoming flawed humans with their own first names rather than their titles. They haven't earned the respect they always demanded; what they really wanted from me was fear, obligation, and submission. The more I walk my talk, the more I recognize they don't walk theirs, they just told me how to walk and then pretended they were super ethical and responsible. They have some skills, they do some good things, but they are flawed, and they believe they're not, or that there is someone or something else to blame, usually me. I'm so over it. And I'm finally getting over the worry of how speaking out and defending myself will hurt them -- they hurt themselves and then delayed the pain by making me carry the responsbility for protecting them. I'm not carrying their hurt anymore. Wow.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

I'm not carrying their hurt anymore. Wow.

Can I just say how admirable this is? I'm sorry for being weird but I'm genuinely happy for the journey it took to come here. It's so much draining work and self-healing to heal from your wounds but you've made it really far! I'm really proud of you! Your family's ego is facing crushing karma while you're rising above their family ties and destroying them completely. You're free of your parents emotional manipulation and abuse, is there anything in life that traps you in double helix chains? It's kinda mind-blowing how far you must've come to get to the point you can say you're not carrying their burdens so it's just amazing.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's amazing and lovely you made your voice heard. Regardless of age it never seems to get easier to stand up to abusers. I have great respect for your courage.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Regardless of age it never seems to get easier to stand up to abusers.

The last time I saw them, in 2010 or 2011, after one of my mother's huge tantrums and punishments because I did something in my own life she didn't want me to do, I cried and told them that I'd spent my whole life being afraid that one day I could do something that they'd never speak to me again, and I couldn't live with that anymore. It seemed to get through to my mother, but my father was in one of his post-mother tantrum freeze-outs, where he hated me for not giving in to her demands. He was so cold. I sat next to him, took his arm and put it around my shoulder, and laid my head on his chest and cried, and he just sat there, cold, staring straight ahead.

And they did stop speaking to me a year later, when I asked for financial help because of the effects I was suffering from the abuse. And then four years later, when I offered forgiveness rather than backpedaling, they shut me out and circled the wagons against me with the pets.

After that, they had nothing to hold over me anymore. My mother used to threaten me with my not getting an inheritance, I told her after that bullshit to give it to my cousin, her golden child.

I survived the worst, even benefitted from it with every year away from them, seeing their stuff even more clearly, and enjoying the freedom of no longer having my every decision questioned and negated. So there's no more real fear of their power, no more obligation, just the old guilt messages. Sending out the letter did require courage, and the guilt messages have lost their grip on me.

I'm sorry you can't get 100% free of your ex, but I hope you find internal freedom. It's great.

I have great respect for your courage.

I have great respect for the courage you've been showing.