Eudaimonic
I want to fade away.
- Aug 11, 2023
- 284
I am honestly thinking of going with full suspension at this point due to the high reliability, ease of execution, and relative lack of pain provided it's done properly. I don't have anywhere safe to practice so that kind of rules out the tourniquet or night-night method (maybe I could make it work though if full suspension is completely untenable, like for instance practicing when there's no one home; but that comes with its own set of risks). I am also considering drowning in combination with an asphyxiant gas such as N2O, which seems reasonably foolproof as long as I swim out far enough, inhale enough of the gas, and most importantly avoid being seen. That may turn out to be the logistically superior option, but I'm still mulling over the details. I have a fear of deep water, so... idk.
The first issue is that I don't currently know of a good location for it. I know using Google Maps and the like is recommended, but my concern is that I won't be able to scope out the spot without arousing suspicion. The second issue is that I'd likely have to take a train or bus to get to an area of sufficiently low population density. But in that case, what am I supposed to tell my parents, lol? It's going to seem incredibly suspicious since I barely leave home, and doubly so because they know that I was at one point suicidal in the recent past and will thus be on the lookout for any behavior suggestive of it. What believable excuse could I possibly give them for this behavior? Leaving without telling them is not a great idea since they would panic, and the risk of me being "rescued" if they figured out where I went is considerably higher, even if the likelihood is still fairly low given proper planning. However, I'm not sure if I trust myself to plan that meticulously, so the risk may be unacceptable. Although, I suppose they would panic either way when I'm still not home at 3 AM. So, I guess the question is how to not arouse their suspicion in the first place and at least until I'm about to do it. Maybe leaving at night when they're asleep could be an option, but it's also risky because they may wake up and realize I'm gone. This applies to all of the methods I'm considering.
The third issue is that I would need to attempt in the dead of night. I'm also not sure how that will work since I'd need to find a suitable tree. This is why it would be ideal to scope out the spot multiple times, or at least to be able to stay there for several hours somehow without looking suspicious. I'd need to bring a stool, and flashlight, find the right tree and branch, tie the right knots, etc. Setting this up during daylight hours or in the evening when it's still light out would be far easier and potentially less risky (since I wouldn't require a flashlight that could get me spotted) during the day/evening as opposed to night, but I could also be spotted during the day, so I'm not sure which is less risky.
Another risk with going this route is that upon failure I would lose the capacity to obtain a firearm when I would otherwise be able to as a result of having been involuntarily committed. But that may be fairly immaterial compared to the more serious risks of severe brain damage, spinal injury, etc. It's not like I'm going to attempt incredibly soon. I still have to get some things sorted out beforehand, like writing (a) note(s), for instance. My family deserves at least that. That said, I want to have a plan in place, so I don't feel so trapped. But at the moment, this idea feels so haphazard and almost completely unworkable. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if waiting to move out like I'd planned to in the past is necessarily worth it since a) it's going to take months or even longer, and b) I am currently making no progress toward that goal. It's just something I tell myself as a cope so that I don't feel like I currently do: trapped and hopeless.
The first issue is that I don't currently know of a good location for it. I know using Google Maps and the like is recommended, but my concern is that I won't be able to scope out the spot without arousing suspicion. The second issue is that I'd likely have to take a train or bus to get to an area of sufficiently low population density. But in that case, what am I supposed to tell my parents, lol? It's going to seem incredibly suspicious since I barely leave home, and doubly so because they know that I was at one point suicidal in the recent past and will thus be on the lookout for any behavior suggestive of it. What believable excuse could I possibly give them for this behavior? Leaving without telling them is not a great idea since they would panic, and the risk of me being "rescued" if they figured out where I went is considerably higher, even if the likelihood is still fairly low given proper planning. However, I'm not sure if I trust myself to plan that meticulously, so the risk may be unacceptable. Although, I suppose they would panic either way when I'm still not home at 3 AM. So, I guess the question is how to not arouse their suspicion in the first place and at least until I'm about to do it. Maybe leaving at night when they're asleep could be an option, but it's also risky because they may wake up and realize I'm gone. This applies to all of the methods I'm considering.
The third issue is that I would need to attempt in the dead of night. I'm also not sure how that will work since I'd need to find a suitable tree. This is why it would be ideal to scope out the spot multiple times, or at least to be able to stay there for several hours somehow without looking suspicious. I'd need to bring a stool, and flashlight, find the right tree and branch, tie the right knots, etc. Setting this up during daylight hours or in the evening when it's still light out would be far easier and potentially less risky (since I wouldn't require a flashlight that could get me spotted) during the day/evening as opposed to night, but I could also be spotted during the day, so I'm not sure which is less risky.
Another risk with going this route is that upon failure I would lose the capacity to obtain a firearm when I would otherwise be able to as a result of having been involuntarily committed. But that may be fairly immaterial compared to the more serious risks of severe brain damage, spinal injury, etc. It's not like I'm going to attempt incredibly soon. I still have to get some things sorted out beforehand, like writing (a) note(s), for instance. My family deserves at least that. That said, I want to have a plan in place, so I don't feel so trapped. But at the moment, this idea feels so haphazard and almost completely unworkable. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if waiting to move out like I'd planned to in the past is necessarily worth it since a) it's going to take months or even longer, and b) I am currently making no progress toward that goal. It's just something I tell myself as a cope so that I don't feel like I currently do: trapped and hopeless.
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