Need help staying away from him.

[bianbianbianbian]

My ex emotionally and mentally abused me, including cheating and lying about how old he was and I broke no contact 2-3 months ago now because I wanted some closure on if he ever loved me at all. Basically, we didn't end up on good terms. He doesn't actually feel bad or care about my well-being beyond knowing that if he says directly that he doesn't care about what he did to me will make him look bad and he'd probably lose his friends or the girls he talks to or something.
Despite all of this, I still find myself fighting the urge to reach out. I have nothing left to say and don't think I actually want to have a conversation with him, I just want to message him with how fucked up my life is becoming since I've basically thrown myself away. I find myself wanting comfort from him when new shit happens I don't want to handle alone, but I've just left him alone.
As this time period that I've had planned to CTB gets closer, I've been fighting the urge to try having one last conversation with him before I go. I know this probably wouldn't be a good idea as we'll probably just argue again or it will hurt me more no matter if we do or not.

I'm just looking for some encouragement and good advice to stay away from him because I think if I cave in, I'll probably get some false hope again and then stay alive longer than I need to when I've finally made up my mind and am preparing to go.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

In these situations I find it helps to remember it's just your ego that's bruised and that there isn't any good reason to engage. If your ex mistreated you like you say, then there wasn't much of a relationship to begin with - if someone cares that little, there simply wasn't much on their end in terms of feeling or commitment. This stuff has a way of nettling us and getting under our skin for a long time afterwards, but it's always going to be better to keep to yourself if at all possible. That other person doesn't deserve your energy or emotion at this point.

 

[bianbianbianbian]

In these situations I find it helps to remember it's just your ego that's bruised and that there isn't any good reason to engage. If your ex mistreated you like you say, then there wasn't much of a relationship to begin with - if someone cares that little, there simply wasn't much on their end in terms of feeling or commitment. This stuff has a way of nettling us and getting under our skin for a long time afterwards, but it's always going to be better to keep to yourself if at all possible. That other person doesn't deserve your energy or emotion at this point.

Thank you