Discussion Need for romantic relationships

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Do you guys feel or ever felt the need to always be in a romantic relationship?

For me it started as society pressure, since I was little my friends from school told me I needed to like someone, not liking anyone and just being a kid wasn't a option, so I chose someone to like and it kept like that: if they changed to another class I would just pick somebody else to like. I still see this happening, family members telling kids they should be romantically interested in someone and after 10yo they needed to have kissed someone too. That's absolutely crazy for me, I believe kids should only have fun, feel loved, safe and cared for, without this stupid needs.

Although, unfortunately, the "necessity to be in love" got to me at teenager years, and since then I felt I could only be "good enough" or "worth it" if I was in a romantic relationship, and I wanted to know if more people feel like that.
I saw another trend where someone said they would probably want to live if they had a significant other, but in my case I know it would only deceive the desire to not exist for a while but come back after some weeks. I had relationships before, loved and still love them very much, but I still wanted to die even with all the love. For that reason and after a lot of therapy, I understood I desesperately want the feeling of being loved and the good things that come with it just so I can distract myself from my horrible and constant thoughts. But ok, it's great to know, but doesn't change the fact I'm always desperate for someone.

I'm recovering from something like a "dating addiction" after dating different people for five years in a roll, and it's hard as f*! In spite of that I wanted to know if other people relate to that, it's good to know we're not alone and I find it very interesting when something is so common that may even be considered a "social phenomenon" one day. Also if you know more about it or any studies in the topic, I would love to know!!

In conclusion, my question is: do you feel like you're only good enough or a "funcional person" when you're in a relationship and/or have an incontestable subconscious necessity to like/love someone, being them real, fictional, someone you know/don't know/will never know in person or even an ideal you created? Or are you always looking for a relationship and can't bear to be alone?

 

[snailfish]

I always wanted to be in a relationship, but I've realized that I'm not capable of being loved. And I'm not saying that to be dramatic or anything, some people just aren't attractive enough to enter romantic relationships or have true friendships without the other person compromising. And by attractive I'm talking about every attractive feature someone can have e.g. personality, intelligence, physique, beauty, talent, wealth and so on.

I have a similar thing where I want to be seen as super smart by other people. I'm autistic and my intelligence is the only thing I have going for me; in all other regards I'm pathetic. I'm not even that smart, but having people believe that I am makes me feel like I'm a "functional person." I've spent my entire life alone, not voluntarily, and it makes me feel better to have a justification for my existence, even if the reasoning is weak.

Maybe every person desires validation to convince themselves that their life has meaning, and this is just form of validation that you prefer. That validation motivates us to keep moving forward.

 

[pilotviolin]

i admire the amount of insight you have with this topic! theres a lot of pressure in society about what age you needed to have done xyz, but its like its checklists instead of the essence of what love is, it sucks to hear you were pressured at such a young age.

personally, i dont feel i "need" a relationship, at least logically. quite the opposite, i dont possess any qualities that someone would find desirable inside and out, i cant provide, i dont put myself out there, and most of all i dont want to be in a relationship because i dont see the effort worth it for the reasoning being someone elses approval, or effort to get in a relationship being for nil because i cant mentally handle it or i mess up. so if i end up in a relationship it was probably very unintentional. but i still get very lonely, so i just try to remind myself itll pass and do something else to fill the need for warmth. its more the status of "lack of relationship" that used to get me alot; if noone loved me intentionally and not just out of obligation (if that) then i'm unlovable and something is wrong with me. but theres a wide variety in people in relationships, even people who have similar qualities and problems as i, who still manage so that makes me feel a little bit better and realise it isnt the relationship, but "lack of relationship" and fomo from being closeted that bugged me.

 

[xinino]

I think it depends. In the past, I didn't need relationships to function properly, but once I experienced the feeling of love or like, it became like an addiction that kept growing, so now I need an incontestable subconscious to love someone; in my case, I will never know in person.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

I always wanted to be in a relationship, but I've realized that I'm not capable of being loved. And I'm not saying that to be dramatic or anything, some people just aren't attractive enough to enter romantic relationships or have true friendships without the other person compromising. And by attractive I'm talking about every attractive feature someone can have e.g. personality, intelligence, physique, beauty, talent, wealth and so on.

I have a similar thing where I want to be seen as super smart by other people. I'm autistic and my intelligence is the only thing I have going for me; in all other regards I'm pathetic. I'm not even that smart, but having people believe that I am makes me feel like I'm a "functional person." I've spent my entire life alone, not voluntarily, and it makes me feel better to have a justification for my existence, even if the reasoning is weak.

Even though I don't know anything about you and can't create many specific arguments to support it, I will say this: you are perfectly capable of being loved, everyone is. It doesn't matter your looks, talents, wealth, etc, you're unique in your own way, and there are people out there who can appreciate this. Although I don't even need to go much further because you already answered it: you're smart. Do you know how many people are attracted to intelligence? A lot.

Until now, you may think I'm an annoying positive person, but I guarantee you I'm not, I just saw it happen many times. Personal experience: I was "in love" with a guy 90% of the school disliked. He wasn't pretty, funny, interesting, cool, or anything; in fact, he was really weird and thats why I liked him. If I liked that weirdo (no offense to him), someone else probably did too, and that applies to everyone, there will always be people attracted to your weird jokes, knowledge, personality, looks, etc. In conclusion, there's no way you're not capable of being loved, the right person just didn't appear yet. And there's no such thing as "one right person", we are 8 billion people, at least ten of us will be a great match.

Last but not least: I love snails and fishes, as well as a bunch of other people, and maybe one day you'll find that one special person who loves snails so much that they got a snail tattoo and you'll fall in love.

Maybe every person desires validation to convince themselves that their life has meaning, and this is just form of validation that you prefer. That validation motivates us to keep moving forward.

I agree, validation is a powerful thing. Although if someone needs validation they should probably work on their selfsteem, but who am I to judge?

 

[LunarLight]

I've felt the need to love and be loved since I was 10. It grew on me violently.
I'm married now. I love my partner so much and the feeling is mutual. It's gonna be really, really hard to leave them alone.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

i admire the amount of insight you have with this topic! theres a lot of pressure in society about what age you needed to have done xyz, but its like its checklists instead of the essence of what love is, it sucks to hear you were pressured at such a young age.

Thanks, I've been thinking about it for a long time, it always bothered me!

And yes, a stupid checklist we need to fulfill only to make other people happy (family) or to appear like a good society member, because we have an image to keep? What??

(Thanks again!!)

personally, i dont feel i "need" a relationship, at least logically. quite the opposite, i dont possess any qualities that someone would find desirable inside and out, i cant provide, i dont put myself out there, and most of all i dont want to be in a relationship because i dont see the effort worth it for the reasoning being someone elses approval, or effort to get in a relationship being for nil because i cant mentally handle it or i mess up. so if i end up in a relationship it was probably very unintentional. but i still get very lonely, so i just try to remind myself itll pass and do something else to fill the need for warmth. its more the status of "lack of relationship" that used to get me alot; if noone loved me intentionally and not just out of obligation (if that) then i'm unlovable and something is wrong with me. but theres a wide variety in people in relationships, even people who have similar qualities and problems as i, who still manage so that makes me feel a little bit better and realise it isnt the relationship, but "lack of relationship" and fomo from being closeted that bugged me.

I understand, I think it's similar to me: logically I know it's best for me not to have a relationship but I still desire it because it would validate me as an ideal society member. I also agree that it takes a lot of effort and it's very hard to start or even keep up with it when we're dealing with mental illnessess. But about "do something else to fill the need for warmth", I believe that's exactly what we should do, learn to be alone, be ok with it and be our own "person"

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've always felt the need for a relationship but I've never been able to sate it in my thirty years of living. It's not as necessary as food, water, or oxygen but sometimes it feels just as vital. The need to be safely vulnerable while also absorbing someone else's vulnerability. The cocktail of all the physical and emotional stimuli all going off at once. It must be exhilarating when it's with the right person.

 

[sserafim]

I've never felt the need to be in a relationship or to love or be loved, but I guess it's a biological drive and instinct? I'm not normal though, so it's only fitting that I don't have this drive. I've never been in a relationship, nor have I wanted to. I've honestly never even felt human. I was never even human anyways…

 

[Final_Choice]

I've wanted to be in a relationship for some time now, but the urge to do so came pretty late for me. Though at this point I've realized that I may not be capable of connecting on such a deep level with someone, and even if I was I probably would not find such a person. That and I feel like it might be selfish to get in a relationship if I'm serious about CTB, if it was passive thoughts or at least not completely sure on CTB, I feel like it'd be okay, but at this point there's really no reason to get close to someone just to hurt them soon after. Nonetheless, I still really want some special relationship like that with someone.

 

[cosmic-freedom]

Maybe it's just hormones..

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've never been in a relationship but I've pretty much always had an unrealistic yearning for some fairytale romance. I suppose realising it's a fairytale delusion has at least grounded me in the real world. I'm not convinced I'd find it in the real world and I doubt I'd like a substitute enough. I don't really look at real life relationships and envy them. Most couples I know bicker all the time.

 

[Meteora]

I know it is better to become stable and strong by myself before I get involved with another human being. But since I have a attachment disorder.... it is almost not possible to heal without other people who are close. That is the reason for my wish to die.

 

[eatantz]

I've always wanted to be in a relationship since i found out what love was. I don't need it what i need is self-love but i lack that so i crave it from someone else. I'm like an energy vampire i suck the love out of people and run away since relationships are complex and people don't make sense anyway.

 

[Clowndollie]

I feel like I need a romantic relation to function honestly. Everything went to shit when my relationship ended. I may think this way because my ex is a narcissist that manipulated me though. It feels like I can't live without him.

 

[Valso]

I so want such a thing but I also know it brings only pain and nothing else, so I stay away from it on purpose. Either way I wouldn't believe her that she likes me (let alone love me).

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I'm recovering from something like a "dating addiction" after dating different people for five years in a roll, and it's hard as f*! In spite of that I wanted to know if other people relate to that, it's good to know we're not alone and I find it very interesting when something is so common that may even be considered a "social phenomenon" one day.

I was a late bloomer, so maybe didn't feel quite as much pressure as a kid to be in a relationship, instead I've always had the feeling of being completely left behind and that dating is something other people do and that I'm just way to far behind to catch up.

I definitely feel the need and pressure to be in a relationship, especially once I hit my mid 20s, and that pressure/desire/desperation grows stronger every year and with every rejection.

I don't have a dating addiction because no one I'm attracted to has ever wanted to date me, but even though your life is so different to mine I was definitely a bit addicted to dating apps in the hope that someone might like me and so I could finally not be so lonely.

It's perfectly natural to want to be in a relationship, so I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I really wish I'd been more confident with women and able to figure out relationships, but I've basically never started and it seems just wrong to spend my entire life alone. The weird part is that I think I'd actually make a half-decent partner.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm currently in love with someone who loves me back and it's wonderful. I cherish the love that he gives me and the happiness that he brings me. There were periods in my life where I felt like I was missing something because of how rampant amatonormativity is in the world. I felt like I needed to desire being in romantic relationship and that I was missing something if I wasn't in one. I don't think I ever truly desired specifically having a romantic partner but rather I just forced myself into desiring one because I felt like that was expected of me. In reality, deep down inside, I never truly cared for dating. Eventually I grew to realize that romantic love is overhyped and that it's no better than any other type of love.

What I desired and what truly mattered to me was that I was able to find someone with who I could connect with and who genuinely cared about me. It never mattered to me whether or not it was romantic. Romantic love is no more special than any other type of love, and I'm saying this as someone who is currently experiencing it. What matters is that you are in a loving relationship with someone who cares about you, whether it be romantic, platonic, or familial.