Help Need advice: My brain tries to keep me from CTB

[AngelBritney]

My last 2 CTB plans were perfect. The situations, too: I had the perfect place, plenty of time, no one knew I was in "danger".

But today the same thing happened with my 2nd attempt:
While sitting there, having the tool in my hand, my brain suddenly started thinking things like:

- What if police is nearby me now?
- I am scared.
- What do you want: sleeping in your comfy bed or in the horrible closed psychiatric ward for days?
- I shouldn't do it or else I get into unnecessary trouble.
- I should go home.
- Do I really want this?

I thought for a second today I heard police sirens and saw a police man but it wasn't real.

I feel like a fool when I walk home. I feel tricked by my own brain.

Outside of my CTB attempts I always think I could do it right now. Almost all the time I have the urge to kill myself and when I have the perfect opportunity it doesn't happen.

While being at my chosen place I tried listening to music which would comfort or motivate me in attempting but even that didn't work.

Any tips on how to get rid of these thoughts? I am truly sick of my own life and just want to get out of it.

 

[isthisthingon]

…But today the same thing happened with my 2nd attempt:
While sitting there, having the tool in my hand…

What tool?

And SI is the final boss. Someone recently said you need one final act of madness to beat it.

 

[AngelBritney]

What tool?

And SI is the final boss. Someone recently said you need one final act of madness to beat it.

Scalpel.

Can we achieve that one final act of madness by ourselves without anything bad happening before that?

 

[isthisthingon]

Scalpel.

Can we achieve that one final act of madness by ourselves without anything bad happening before that?

It's all in our head.

Non-methods which are not recommended:

Cutting/Stabbing
This method is often sought out by people who have seen it in movies or TV shows. It should not be considered a method, as it is only in these shows to play it up for the movies. With a success rate of ~1-4%, the odds are the opposite of in your favor. While they make it seem like you can take a razor blade to the wrist and peacefully slip into unconsciousness in the bathtub, in reality it is nothing like that. The human body is wired to not be able to harm itself in this way. In order to die from blood loss you would have to cut an artery. The arteries are meticulously located beneath several layer of muscle, tendons, and other tissues. They are not meant to be cut, especially not on purpose. Even with wonderful understanding of anatomy, such as healthcare workers, you would have a very, very poor chance of reaching them unless you were in a state of psychosis. If you attempted to, you would find yourself halfway there before realizing you mentally and physically cannot get yourself to go any further. Your mind will stop you without you having any control over it. Many people argue that if they get drunk or high beforehand they will be able to overcome it, however this would impair your ability to properly locate and cut to the arteries. The biggest risk with this method is permanent nerve damage to whatever area you attempt to cut. Depending on how deep you get before aborting, you may end up with severe scarring and potentially anemia or other blood loss related conditions.

 

[Mors.Mors.Mors]

It is only when all hope is lost that I have felt free to commit to it. The brain of this body simply understands there is nothing else to do, so there's no point in producing 'non-CTBing' thoughts.