Nearly there

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I'm out in the backwoods with a gun and a single round chambered. Gonna stay ouy here to see what happens but I hope right now is the time i finally ctb. Not really going to suck since nobody in Sevier would give a shit about me anyways.
I am going to meditate for a while and see what happens.
Wish me luck guys and I lovr you all!
You're the best community I had evrr been with!!!!!!

 

[Rachel74]

Sending you lots of peace

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Meditate? Cool. What kind? (The one where you're just focusing on your breathing or the one where you're allowing your mind to wander etc).

Hope you've thought this through.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Its super hard to meditate since I cant stop crying, ill try anwyays

 

[Stan]

My thoughts are with you.

 

[Timetoleave]

Peace and Love.

 

[LonelyLight]

Sending you peace and light. I hope you are okay (your obviously not). My heart feels heavy thinking of you so distressed and alone. I know we have never spoken on here before. But I wish you all the best, whatever happens

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I hate my mother, she wont leave me alone with her piss smelling animals and wood trim obsession that just ruined my chances of killing myself tonight! Fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck ruckf ruckr7fjt v8rkc fufm fruck fuck touchsvren phones! Im going to go out into the backlands and try to ctb there so she wont annoy me! Aaaahhhhh the fucking guilt, why does she have to be so god damn ill!?!?!
Why is it so hard to stop crying?
Why cant I pull the trigger!?!??!?

 

[lymbo]

I hate my mother, she wont leave me alone with her piss smelling animals and wood trim obsession that just ruined my chances of killing myself tonight! Fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck ruckf ruckr7fjt v8rkc fufm fruck fuck touchsvren phones! Im going to go out into the backlands and try to ctb there so she wont annoy me! Aaaahhhhh the fucking guilt, why does she have to be so god damn ill!?!?!
Why is it so hard to stop crying?
Why cant I pull the trigger!?!??!?

why u want to cbt mate?

 

[Dwilson1217]

It may not be your time yet brother.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

why u want to cbt mate?

I just want to stop suffering forever

It may not be your time yet brother.

It cant be true, I cant bear to wait any longer!

 

[fightingsioux]

I hate my mother, she wont leave me alone with her piss smelling animals and wood trim obsession that just ruined my chances of killing myself tonight! Fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck ruckf ruckr7fjt v8rkc fufm fruck fuck touchsvren phones! Im going to go out into the backlands and try to ctb there so she wont annoy me! Aaaahhhhh the fucking guilt, why does she have to be so god damn ill!?!?!
Why is it so hard to stop crying?
Why cant I pull the trigger!?!??!?

1962, I'm sitting 150 feet up on the catwalk of a water tower. Night. Hesitating, hesitating. Then I got mad. Mad at all the fuckers in my life that brought me to this. Then I got even madder. "Fuck them." I thought. "Fuck if I'm going to let them win." Might have even said it out loud.

Get mad.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. If you're going to ctb, I'd like to see you do it when you're feeling more certain about it. You sound like you're in distress right now. Maybe just chill for fifteen minutes and don't rush anything.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I'm frustrated now, plans have been stalled because of people in my fucking life! Im gonna go to the outlands tonight and just tried to meditate away the survival instinct or maybe ill jusy go to fucming bed instead!

 

[Dwilson1217]

I'm frustrated now, plans have been stalled because of people in my fucking life! Im gonna go to the outlands tonight and just tried to meditate away the survival instinct or maybe ill jusy go to fucming bed instead!

People have to make there own choices, bit the distress in your voice makes it seem like you should really think about your ctb attempt. It's better to come from a place of peace.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I remember doing this.
Got in my car
Drove to a favorite beach of mine
It was late so I parked nearby, got out and sat on the edge of the cliff. I kept thinking about how I'd love to have the waves just pull me away, suck me in and never let go. I wondered why I couldn't just do it then and there and I began to cry. Quietly at first but eventually it was full body sobbing.
I just wanted to say I know that feeling. That sheer desperation to just leave. To not exist. I'm heartbroken that so many can relate and I'm sorry your in this position

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Fuck, well I did everything you beautiful recommended me and I just cant go not yet! Im such a pussy :(
Thank you all, youre all so wonderful :)

 

[Cupcake]

Fuck, well I did everything you beautiful recommended me and I just cant go not yet! Im such a pussy :(
Thank you all, youre all so wonderful :)

You are not a pussy! It takes courage to CTB, lots and lots of it. As much as I'd like to end my own suffering, I can't because the SI keeps warring with me. SI's a fucking bitch!!

Anyway, I agree with the others, it's probably better to try again when you feel more at peace with with CTB. That's how I'm going to try and do it, not on a day when I feel overly distressed, but more on a day where I feel more at peace inside.

I really hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry you are suffering so much.

Sending loving, peaceful vibes and warm, soft hugs your way if ok.

Please continue to reach out to us for support. We're here for you always.

Cupcake

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

You are not a pussy! It takes courage to CTB, lots and lots of it. As much as I'd like to end my own suffering, I can't because the SI keeps warring with me. SI's a fucking bitch!!

Anyway, I agree with the others, it's probably better to try again when you feel more at peace with with CTB. That's how I'm going to try and do it, not on a day when I feel overly distressed, but more on a day where I feel more at peace inside.

I really hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry you are suffering so much.

Sending loving, peaceful vibes and warm, soft hugs your way if ok.

Please continue to reach out to us for support. We're here for you always.

Cupcake

Thanks, I'll keep trying and thank you, all of you for being here for me!
Good vibes and warmth to you all!

 

[MeltingHeart]

1962, I'm sitting 150 feet up on the catwalk of a water tower. Night. Hesitating, hesitating. Then I got mad. Mad at all the fuckers in my life that brought me to this. Then I got even madder. "Fuck them." I thought. "Fuck if I'm going to let them win." Might have even said it out loud.

Get mad.

A few people keep saying to me - don't let them win! The irony s that a couple of the people that are now
saying that- do play part - even if it is just a part - and not the entire factor in why I want to ctb. & the fact of the matter is, all those people have already one - I'm here- I'm having to even contemplate ending my life- largely due to the treatment of others- would I be winning now - if I am stay alive in state of extreme emotional despair & hopelessness?! I live- I lose or I top myself - I lose. There is no way that I can 'win' now. It's lose lose all round really. They only way they win now is by deluding themselves that I must have just had some I innate depression/ mental disorder or something thereby absolving themselves of ANY responsibility of how I have become / now feel / if I ctb. That is all

 

[fightingsioux]

A few people keep saying to me - don't let them win! The irony s that a couple of the people that are now
saying that- do play part - even if it is just a part - and not the entire factor in why I want to ctb. & the fact of the matter is, all those people have already one - I'm here- I'm having to even contemplate ending my life- largely due to the treatment of others- would I be winning now - if I am stay alive in state of extreme emotional despair & hopelessness?! I live- I lose or I top myself - I lose. There is no way that I can 'win' now. It's lose lose all round really. They only way they win now is by deluding themselves that I must have just had some I innate depression/ mental disorder or something thereby absolving themselves of ANY responsibility of how I have become / now feel / if I ctb. That is all

Well, I was 14 at the time, a very screwed-up kid with a terrible home life. Thank goodness something inside me--my warrior spirit or my common sense--told me it wasn't my time.

In the post you quote, I was speaking to a very young person, scared and confused. Getting mad at my persecutors helped me survive, I thought it might help him.

You're not a kid. You have to right to do what you wish with your own life.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Ahh I'm glad

Well, I was 14 at the time, a very screwed-up kid with a terrible home life. Thank goodness something inside me--my warrior spirit or my common sense--told me it wasn't my time.

Ahh I'm glad! Sorry didn't mean to knock yr warrior spirit at all - I used to have one too! Now I'm horrible & bitter & sad that ive lost it :(

 

[fightingsioux]

Ahh I'm glad

You didn't knock it, you were speaking from your heart. We are groovy.

I told you the other day that it's obvious you're still on the path: questioning, wondering, seeking.

Likewise, you have not lost your warrior spirit. It's in there, somewhere deep down, it's in there. But you may decide that this is your time to die; that's completely your choice and no one else--certainly not the law--should have any say in it. -G.

 

[MeltingHeart]

You didn't knock it, you were speaking from your heart. We are groovy.

I told you the other day that it's obvious you're still on the path: questioning, wondering, seeking.

Likewise, you have not lost your warrior spirit. It's in there, somewhere deep down, it's in there. But you may decide that this is your time to die; that's completely your choice and no one else--certainly not the law--should have any say in it. -G.

ha you sound funny, like an lil older hippy dude....if u dont mind me saying! death by lsd or ketamine...now that would be a way to go! for some reason u saying groovy just made me think that- not sure u can overdose on lsd mind you-aside from thinking you can fly or the such like...

 

[fightingsioux]

ha you sound funny, like an lil older hippy dude....if u dont mind me saying! death by lsd or ketamine...now that would be a way to go! for some reason u saying groovy just made me think that- not sure u can overdose on lsd mind you-aside from thinking you can fly or the such like...

I am an old hippy dude, there's still a few of us around.

 

[lymbo]

I am an old hippy dude, there's still a few of us around.

u marryed ?

 

[fightingsioux]

u marryed ?

No, single old hippy dude.

 

[MeltingHeart]

A few people keep saying to me - don't let them win! The irony s that a couple of the people that are now
saying that- do play part - even if it is just a part - and not the entire factor in why I want to ctb. & the fact of the matter is, all those people have already won - I'm here- I'm having to even contemplate ending my life- largely due to the treatment of others- would I be winning now - if I am stay alive in state of extreme emotional despair & hopelessness?! I live- I lose or I top myself - I lose. There is no way that I can 'win' now. It's lose lose all round really. They only way they win now is by deluding themselves that I must have just had some I innate depression/ mental disorder or something thereby absolving themselves of ANY responsibility of how I have become / now feel / if I ctb. That is all

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

I am an old hippy dude, there's still a few of us around.

And thank the universe for that! Some of my more colorful acquaintances call me O.G. Grandma (I have no kids nor grand kids) and I am secretly a bit flattered by the nickname. Heck, I am older than you are and, however feebly, still kicking ass. Good for us, surviving all the B.S. this long.