Jisatsu
黒い薔薇(The Black Rose)
- Jan 5, 2025
- 2,012
I've have BPD and schizoaffective disorder just to name some if the shit i have to go through..., and now they're telling me my depression is treatment-resistant. The highs barely show up, and when they do, they vanish before I can even breathe. The lows are brutal...they drag me down so far that all I can think about is not wanting to exist. Mania has only left me with wreckage, and by the time it's over, I'm too drained to even try cleaning it up.
The truth is, I was so depressed through all of it that I didn't even want to think about building a future or making my life better. I've lived like this for as long as I can remember, and nothing ever really changes. And the healthcare system here... It's worthless. It doesn't heal, it doesn't fix...it just leaves you stuck.
I've lived like this forever. It's not a phase, it's not something I just "go through." It's my constant reality. And when people talk about help, about " different forms of treatment," I can't help but laugh . There's no cure in sight. Just survival, day after day, in a body and mind that feels unorganized, broke and replaceable.
I feel nothing for this world anymore. Nothing. It doesn't pull at me, it doesn't scare me, it doesn't even bore me...it's just… empty. I go through the motions because I exist, but there's no spark, no drive, no reason to care about anything or anyone. People talk about hope, about purpose, about "making a difference," but those words feel like whispers from another life, from another me who doesn't exist anymore.
I will not chase a happiness that never reaches me. I will not bend to the rules of a world that has no place for people like me. I exist as I am, a shadow among shadows, carrying scars, mistakes, and memories that mean nothing. I will not seek meaning where none exists. I will find the peace I deserve through death and that's just the way its going to be .
The truth is, I was so depressed through all of it that I didn't even want to think about building a future or making my life better. I've lived like this for as long as I can remember, and nothing ever really changes. And the healthcare system here... It's worthless. It doesn't heal, it doesn't fix...it just leaves you stuck.
I've lived like this forever. It's not a phase, it's not something I just "go through." It's my constant reality. And when people talk about help, about " different forms of treatment," I can't help but laugh . There's no cure in sight. Just survival, day after day, in a body and mind that feels unorganized, broke and replaceable.
I feel nothing for this world anymore. Nothing. It doesn't pull at me, it doesn't scare me, it doesn't even bore me...it's just… empty. I go through the motions because I exist, but there's no spark, no drive, no reason to care about anything or anyone. People talk about hope, about purpose, about "making a difference," but those words feel like whispers from another life, from another me who doesn't exist anymore.
I will not chase a happiness that never reaches me. I will not bend to the rules of a world that has no place for people like me. I exist as I am, a shadow among shadows, carrying scars, mistakes, and memories that mean nothing. I will not seek meaning where none exists. I will find the peace I deserve through death and that's just the way its going to be .
