Venting nearly did it last night on impulse

[waistcoat]

last night i was having a very bad panic attack
i kinda just autopiloted to measuring out the sn and ended up creating a 25gx50ml mix.
i thought i would feel… something. i didn't.

i just kinda sat there for 15m trying to think of literally any reason to not just drink it then and there. the only reason i could think of is that i haven't written all of my notes yet..

i ended up putting the glass up to my mouth and let the mixture just. rest against my top lip for a while. trying to convince myself not to just open my mouth and drink it.

i eventually put it down because i want to write my notes out and send those to people.

my top lip started to burn. i licked whatever was there off and it was very salty, it was kinda funny to realise there was a low chance id die anyway cus of how potent sn is

i sat there for a further 15-20m just staring at the mixture thinking "damn, i should feel scared about this" but i didn't

i tried to convince myself to throw the mixture away but it's still in the cup on my table right now.

i eventually laid down in bed and just put on music to help me sleep, i chose my ctb song and just put it on repeat

i woke up today with my panic attack continuing. i had a few nightmares while sleeping

anyway, just wanted to write that out.
idk how long i have left. probably not long

love you all <3

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm sorry for your situation. Sometimes I want to drink it impusively too, but I don't it because of SI, because I'm not ready and because I didn't fast for 8 hours