Venting Narcissistic mother/parents

[treestumpisland]

I was thinking about starting a topic or something for people with narcissistic parents to either vent or ask for advice from others or commiserate and not be alone with it.

I won't get too much into it because I get really rambly/venting/wordy, so just a warning in case that happens. But i'm having so much trouble with my "mother", it's as bad as Tangled, essentially. not hyperbole, unfortunately. she puts me down for not being independent, sabotages any attempt at becoming independent, pushes me into therapy and then makes me stop seeing them if they start to help with becoming independent from her or that it's important to have people in my life outside of her, she doesn't like that at all and makes me find new therapists who just yes-men her. NONE do, they all say their job is to help me achieve what I want in life, not what others want for me, that she's unhealthy and toxic, that i'm not crazy(she insists i need guardianship and keeps threatening that, despite every therapist, even a lawyer saying in no way do i need one, i'm not mentally incompetent, but she's INSISTANT i am, and no therapist can change her mind about that.) i'm trying to look for remote jobs, she's trying to discourage me from that now, but won't answer when i say what job is she expecting me to get then, since she's not controlling at all, she doesn't answer. i've noticed for about 10 years, she likes to bitch about me not having jobs/working, then any attempt at me sounding like i'm looking for jobs, talking to therapists, etc, she discourages it and says i can't do anything, she just wants me to sit here and be friends with her and just bitch that i'm not working.

best i can describe, she cut off my wings just to bitch at me for not flying "like all other birds", that i'm a bitch and lazy for not foying, ignoring the fact that she fucking cut off my wings just to bitch i'm not doing what other birds do. i fucking hate narcissists, especially covert. it's taken me decades to even figure it out because i've spent my life trying to please her and "be good", but there's literally nothing i can do right, even when i do exactly what she yells at me to, it's always something else then. and because she didn't have some trademark signs of narcissism, it took forever for me to learn what covert narcissism was and she checks off every single checkmark for emotional abuser.

how do others deal? i can't get away right now, i'm trying to look for work, and she's starting to sabotage that,m but i can't up and leave right now. that is the ultimate answer, i know. but how can i deal in the meantime until i get a job and get my own bank account for myself? dealing with being called stupid all the time, that i don't know anything about the world, being gaslit every single sentence i ever utter to her, her bicth that i ruined her life and she has every right to ruin my life, that i need to be friends with whom she says i should be, that she dictates what skills i do/don't have, how i feel/think/believe about things, my experiences being challenged and gaslit and ignored from someone who signed up to be a mother, yet has too much fun emotionally beating me to death. i was adopted, btw, i'm not an unwanted pregnancy, even though she sure acts like i was a burden to her and she resentws me. she elected to get me and clearly soon after, resented me. i probably crapped my diaper at an inconvenient time and she's held a grudge against me ever since, my first conscious memory was ohf her being weird, accusing me of wanting to kill her when i was 5 and conrfused and shocked and scared of her because of how she was acting weird. she likes to do that, go on tirades every day "i know you can't wait for me to die, i know you'll dance on my grave, well you'll die before me, i won't let you have the saisfaction of watching me die, you won't get what you want". when i'd be just doign my homework or watching spongebob or doing chores or even sleeping, she'd walk by mumbling that to me when i'm minding my own busness or just doing normal kid things. i can't stand how dysfunctional she is, yet she insists she's "normal" and i'm "not normal" for thinking she's dysfunctional in any way, that i'm the one with the problem. because i've gotten provoked when she's been insensitive or mean or hurt me, then she says i'm crazy when i beg her to stop hurting me.

ok, i got rambly, sorry. it's just i have no one to talk to about this irl and it's ALOT having gone on for so many years and i'm just tired of it all. i just want some crap job to get enough money for a will so at least ONE thing in my life can be respected by making my will legally binding, since she's never respected anything about me or my wishes, but how do i deal in the meantime without being triggered or affected every time she hurts me?

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

That sounds awful. But if I may offer an observation... sounds to me like you're already on your way. You see through the BS, you've called it all out here logically and reasonably. It must be a tremendous amount of stress! I hope you find a way out of there and get relief.

 

[bankai]

So disturbing. Damn I hate how children are stuck in this impossible hell with their parents. Like you can't escape from it. And it also seems like she doesn't want you to. I think she'd like it if you were dependent on her. Damn.

 

[treestumpisland]

That sounds awful. But if I may offer an observation... sounds to me like you're already on your way. You see through the BS, you've called it all out here logically and reasonably. It must be a tremendous amount of stress! I hope you find a way out of there and get relief.

Thank you, hearing from others is much needed. It's just, yeah, in the moment when it happens, i guess because part of me still hopes it'll change because i haven't fully accepted it yet, part of me is having so much trouble and resistence just accepting the facts and how it is. like, intellectually, when away from her, i see the situation alot clearer, the manipulation, gaslighting, games, etc. but in the moment, it hits me every single time, really hard, like i never learn. idk if that makes sense. i guess io picked that up from her, not being able to accept people's limits, etc, the way she never respected my limits, boundaries, it didn't exist if she didn't like or agree with it. why i'm having so much trouble, because i'm stuck in this "how she SHOULD be" and just not understanding it. trying to understand it is also keeping me stuck, but i don't think i will, especially with what mental health knows about it, which isn't much since narcissists pretty much never go to therapy or know how to lie to the therapists to seem normal. thanks for reaching out, i really do appreciate that and it helps, hearing that perspective <33

So disturbing. Damn I hate how children are stuck in this impossible hell with their parents. Like you can't escape from it. And it also seems like she doesn't want you to. I think she'd like it if you were dependent on her. Damn.

yeah, it's taken mme forever to see that because i didn't want to see that. because that's just so opposite of what a mother should be/want for her kid. and like in my comment above, i'm just so emotionallyu stuck and it hurts every time she burns me(figuratively), i wish i could be numb to it when it hqppens and it didn't hurt me so much. since, intellectually, i see what's happening, but i'm still stuck hoping it's not this way or that she'll change. it's hard to accept the fact that she actually wants to be this way, so she won't change. i've been holding out hope that she was just dense and one day would realise "OH i didn't realise how that hurt you, i'm sorry, i see what you're saying now and how that would hurt, i'm sorry, i didn't realise" or ANYTHING along those lines of just being ignorant/oblivious to the pain. i just can't accept that she's doing this on purpose and it's a mental illness on her end, even though she's absolutely perfect and i'm the one who's sick and wrong and needs help, not her. it's so frustrating. i wish i could be numb to her gaslighting or insults when it happens, idk why i haven't become immune to it by now, but part of me is just being so stubborn in fully realising/accepting the reality of it.

 

[bankai]

Thank you, hearing from others is much needed. It's just, yeah, in the moment when it happens, i guess because part of me still hopes it'll change because i haven't fully accepted it yet, part of me is having so much trouble and resistence just accepting the facts and how it is. like, intellectually, when away from her, i see the situation alot clearer, the manipulation, gaslighting, games, etc. but in the moment, it hits me every single time, really hard, like i never learn. idk if that makes sense. i guess io picked that up from her, not being able to accept people's limits, etc, the way she never respected my limits, boundaries, it didn't exist if she didn't like or agree with it. why i'm having so much trouble, because i'm stuck in this "how she SHOULD be" and just not understanding it. trying to understand it is also keeping me stuck, but i don't think i will, especially with what mental health knows about it, which isn't much since narcissists pretty much never go to therapy or know how to lie to the therapists to seem normal. thanks for reaching out, i really do appreciate that and it helps, hearing that perspective <33

yeah, it's taken mme forever to see that because i didn't want to see that. because that's just so opposite of what a mother should be/want for her kid. and like in my comment above, i'm just so emotionallyu stuck and it hurts every time she burns me(figuratively), i wish i could be numb to it when it hqppens and it didn't hurt me so much. since, intellectually, i see what's happening, but i'm still stuck hoping it's not this way or that she'll change. it's hard to accept the fact that she actually wants to be this way, so she won't change. i've been holding out hope that she was just dense and one day would realise "OH i didn't realise how that hurt you, i'm sorry, i see what you're saying now and how that would hurt, i'm sorry, i didn't realise" or ANYTHING along those lines of just being ignorant/oblivious to the pain. i just can't accept that she's doing this on purpose and it's a mental illness on her end, even though she's absolutely perfect and i'm the one who's sick and wrong and needs help, not her. it's so frustrating. i wish i could be numb to her gaslighting or insults when it happens, idk why i haven't become immune to it by now, but part of me is just being so stubborn in fully realising/accepting the reality of it.

There are all sorts of mental illnesses in the world. Like Munchausen's Syndrome and Munchausen's by Proxy.Watch the TV show,Sharp Objects . It's pretty good.
The only way we can really escape these people is by becoming independent. A good life awaits you one day. I'm sure.

i'm sorry about your current predicament

 

[ccoki17]

I tried to reply with more detail to this, but it's so triggering....the more I type the sicker I feel.

So I'll just leave you with.....
Actually moving away and going NC a couple years was the only way I could even remotely begin to process , see things more clearly go to therapy...and live life a little.

Every time I end up living with her again my mental health tanks to disturbing levels and ctb is back on the roster.

 

[treestumpisland]

I tried to reply with more detail to this, but it's so triggering....the more I type the sicker I feel.

So I'll just leave you with.....
Actually moving away and going NC a couple years was the only way I could even remotely begin to process , see things more clearly go to therapy...and live life a little.

Every time I end up living with her again my mental health tanks to disturbing levels and ctb is back on the roster.

OMG, let me see if i can post a trigger warning on the message, i'm so sorry!! yeah, it's ALOT, and no worries at all, please take care of yourself. it is beyond difficult and i'm in the same boat, exactly, regarding being with her in terms of ctb. one of the main reasons i'm here because life is honestly unbearable with her. hugs to you, please take care of yourself. and yeah, leaving and going nc really is the only option, especially in cases like this because it's literally living in a sewer when you're "under their iron thumb" and they won't respect that you're an adult, much less autonomy. i'll see if i can edit my post to have a trigger warning.

and exactlyt, distance really is the only option, it's impossible to heal in this environment or have a semblence of a life. it's like being expected to calmly be functional and do household chores like normal in an actively burning house instead of running the f*** out. but being told you're overreacting and get back to your chores and function like the house is fine. it's surreal and i can't understand the psychology of it at all.

i'm sorry, it sounds like you went through something very similar, hugs to you <33

I tried to reply with more detail to this, but it's so triggering....the more I type the sicker I feel.

So I'll just leave you with.....
Actually moving away and going NC a couple years was the only way I could even remotely begin to process , see things more clearly go to therapy...and live life a little.

Every time I end up living with her again my mental health tanks to disturbing levels and ctb is back on the roster.

(also, the option to do different emote rections isn't popping up on my screen, i don't mean the like emote, i wanted to do the hugs emote, but the other emote options aren't appearing now for some reason.

 

[badkarma4618]

i just wanted to say thank you for sharing this and it hit me hard. you described so much of how i felt in my relationship with my own mother and i really want you to know you aren't alone. i know what it feels like to be gaslit, manipulated, and held hostage by someone who was supposed to protect and love you.

when i was in high school my narcissistic mother used to take my paycheques claiming she needed it for my little brothers needs, his sports sports, or her cars maintenance ect. she would spend it all on fast food or random shopping sprees. she always found a reason to take all the money i made and she would promise to pay it back but never did. and if i brought that up softly she would explode, accusing me of being ungrateful, selfish, and "only caring about money and not caring about my family" of course i felt bad.

after my dad passed in 9th grade he left us financially comfortable with his life insurance and a completely paid off house so it's not like we were struggling financially at all yet she used my pitiful part time paycheques as a means of control. she had a good government job so my income was not critical, but taking it gave her leverage over me. and if i didn't do what she wanted she would threaten to call in and quit my job for me on my behalf, knowing how much i loved my job.

even though my grades were damn near perfect, she obsessed over my school performance and would very closely monitor my online report card portal, looking for any changes that she could use as an excuse to lash out. sometimes she couldn't even wait until i got home, she would call me in class to scream about a grade or attendance mark my teacher just put in.

after work id come home late and exhausted, and every time she would accuse me of being high because my eyes were red. i tried to explain that i was just tired from work or cried on the walk home, but she would twist it, say i was lying, and make me question myself so deeply that once i thought i actually might have gotten contact high from handling cash at work. (i now know it doesn't work like that LOL) in reality it was pure stress and emotional burnout but i felt so guilty that night i was sick.

eventually i had to shut down emotionally just to survive it. i stopped reacting. i stopped sharing because i knew it'd eventually just get used against me. i spoke as little as possible, kept my face blank, my tone flat, not in a rude way but just for self preservation i made myself as boring and unnoticeable as possible. i know understand it was my way of going into survival mode, emotionally detaching to avoid mood swings and protect what little peace i had left.

one day she planned a last minute trip right before valentines weekend, one of my busiest times at work, since i was at a confectionery shop. because i couldn't drop all my work responsibilities at the last minute and come with her and my little brother, she took everything in my bank account for "gas money" and promised to pay me back in when she got paid in 2 days. instead she was gone for two weeks. i was left with no groceries, no cash, and nearly out of cat food and cat litter. when i called to ask for a little money for the cat she told me i was irresponsible and threatened to shoot my cat if i couldn't take care of it.

that was the final straw for me.

at that point id gone to a couple of security guards i'd built some friendly rapport with at my job. i figured if anyone would know some resources or know of a children's shelter it would have been them. i showed them some of the disturbing texts id gotten from my mother and with their support i was able to quickly pack up my essentials into the back of one of their cars. they helped me and my cat get to a safe place quietly and quickly before my mother and brother got home. i'll always be grateful for how they helped me leave without judgement or hesitation.

my mother showed up to my friends house, harassed his family and even called the cops claiming they kidnapped me. they had no idea what she was talking about and thankfully the cops didn't pursue it, i was freshly 17 and they could probably tell what was really going on. she came to my workplace and caused a huge public scene, security formally banned her and they even helped me avoid her by letting me leave through fire exits when she would stand outside the doors screaming on a few occasions.

ive been no contact ever since.

i miss my little brother more than anything, i still have nightmares about those last few years where the abuse was escalating. i still have guilt for leaving them but i don't regret it. the day i decided to never talk to her again was the day i started living on my own terms.

so my advice if you are stuck in it right now, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself emotionally. detach when you can. start to engadge with her minimally, flatly, without reacting. it's not weakness it's strategy. try and save every dollar in any way possible, and the moment you can open a bank account in your own name do it. look for an exit when you can, ask trusted people for resources if you're able and make an escape plan. you are not lazy, you are not crazy. you are surviving an emotionally volatile environment, and that takes strength. people on the outside may not fully understand but your feelings are valid.

you have already done the hardest part, seeing it for what it is. this clarity is the start of freedom.

if you ever want to vent or talk or just share with someone who gets it, im here. you are not alone <3

 

[treestumpisland]

i just wanted to say thank you for sharing this and it hit me hard. you described so much of how i felt in my relationship with my own mother and i really want you to know you aren't alone. i know what it feels like to be gaslit, manipulated, and held hostage by someone who was supposed to protect and love you.

when i was in high school my narcissistic mother used to take my paycheques claiming she needed it for my little brothers needs, his sports sports, or her cars maintenance ect. she would spend it all on fast food or random shopping sprees. she always found a reason to take all the money i made and she would promise to pay it back but never did. and if i brought that up softly she would explode, accusing me of being ungrateful, selfish, and "only caring about money and not caring about my family" of course i felt bad.

after my dad passed in 9th grade he left us financially comfortable with his life insurance and a completely paid off house so it's not like we were struggling financially at all yet she used my pitiful part time paycheques as a means of control. she had a good government job so my income was not critical, but taking it gave her leverage over me. and if i didn't do what she wanted she would threaten to call in and quit my job for me on my behalf, knowing how much i loved my job.

even though my grades were damn near perfect, she obsessed over my school performance and would very closely monitor my online report card portal, looking for any changes that she could use as an excuse to lash out. sometimes she couldn't even wait until i got home, she would call me in class to scream about a grade or attendance mark my teacher just put in.

after work id come home late and exhausted, and every time she would accuse me of being high because my eyes were red. i tried to explain that i was just tired from work or cried on the walk home, but she would twist it, say i was lying, and make me question myself so deeply that once i thought i actually might have gotten contact high from handling cash at work. (i now know it doesn't work like that LOL) in reality it was pure stress and emotional burnout but i felt so guilty that night i was sick.

eventually i had to shut down emotionally just to survive it. i stopped reacting. i stopped sharing because i knew it'd eventually just get used against me. i spoke as little as possible, kept my face blank, my tone flat, not in a rude way but just for self preservation i made myself as boring and unnoticeable as possible. i know understand it was my way of going into survival mode, emotionally detaching to avoid mood swings and protect what little peace i had left.

one day she planned a last minute trip right before valentines weekend, one of my busiest times at work, since i was at a confectionery shop. because i couldn't drop all my work responsibilities at the last minute and come with her and my little brother, she took everything in my bank account for "gas money" and promised to pay me back in when she got paid in 2 days. instead she was gone for two weeks. i was left with no groceries, no cash, and nearly out of cat food and cat litter. when i called to ask for a little money for the cat she told me i was irresponsible and threatened to shoot my cat if i couldn't take care of it.

that was the final straw for me.

at that point id gone to a couple of security guards i'd built some friendly rapport with at my job. i figured if anyone would know some resources or know of a children's shelter it would have been them. i showed them some of the disturbing texts id gotten from my mother and with their support i was able to quickly pack up my essentials into the back of one of their cars. they helped me and my cat get to a safe place quietly and quickly before my mother and brother got home. i'll always be grateful for how they helped me leave without judgement or hesitation.

my mother showed up to my friends house, harassed his family and even called the cops claiming they kidnapped me. they had no idea what she was talking about and thankfully the cops didn't pursue it, i was freshly 17 and they could probably tell what was really going on. she came to my workplace and caused a huge public scene, security formally banned her and they even helped me avoid her by letting me leave through fire exits when she would stand outside the doors screaming on a few occasions.

ive been no contact ever since.

i miss my little brother more than anything, i still have nightmares about those last few years where the abuse was escalating. i still have guilt for leaving them but i don't regret it. the day i decided to never talk to her again was the day i started living on my own terms.

so my advice if you are stuck in it right now, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself emotionally. detach when you can. start to engadge with her minimally, flatly, without reacting. it's not weakness it's strategy. try and save every dollar in any way possible, and the moment you can open a bank account in your own name do it. look for an exit when you can, ask trusted people for resources if you're able and make an escape plan. you are not lazy, you are not crazy. you are surviving an emotionally volatile environment, and that takes strength. people on the outside may not fully understand but your feelings are valid.

you have already done the hardest part, seeing it for what it is. this clarity is the start of freedom.

if you ever want to vent or talk or just share with someone who gets it, im here. you are not alone <3

Omg, i have no words. i see my "mom" in ALOT of that and from when i've read from others, they play out of the same narcissistic rulebook or something. thank you for sharing, there's no way that was easy for you, i hope i don't sound fake when i say it means alot to hear from others that i'm not crazy for being around people expecting me to believe this is normal and healthy and ok in any way. hugs to you, i'm so glad you got away and on your own two feet.

yeah, i can't wrap my head around them even wanting to purposely sabotage their kids, i can only understand a really dense, dumb parent doing that and not realising it, but that's not what this is at all, it's purposeful sabotage, entitlement, nasty as fuck. "i deserve all the money my kid makes and nothing will tell meotherwise, that's MY money", holy fuck, where do they even get that notion, much less have so much confidence that they're in the right, i just don't get it at all. but i know the longer i stay stuck in this trying to "figure it out and make sense of it", even though with some things in life, making sense of things can help how i think about something, etc. but in this case, i'm only going to stay stuck the more i try to "make sense of it", hoping that'll alleviate some of it, like understanding their psychology or whatever. because it's just too hard to accept/own that someone who's a parent/caregiver could be genuinely cruel and nasty. i've been in this, i guess, denial, like she just doesn't realsie and is really dense. most dense people eventually have that "OHHHHH i see what you mean now, i didn't even think of that, i was thinking of it this wayu, but now that you mention that, i can see how that comes off as nasty/mean,m i'm sorry, that was too pushy". they literally act like saying something like that will melt them, yet they make you apologise for breathing wrong at them and being ungrateful when being hurt by them walking all over you and reminders you're a person with agency, they HATE being reminded of that. another thing i don't get, i described it to a therapist once like when i said i deserve to have my basic boundaries respected and she scrunched her nose up at it, it was like she sees me as a cockroach and it's disgusting that i think i deserve human respect, that's impossible!! i jjust asked her to politely ask if she could use the bathroom because she would always just barge in and never felt any need to be polite, and she scrunched her nose when i asked for human politeness that she shows others, and she found that ridiculous and disgusting, like a cockroach asking to be respected like a human. why did she even freaking adopt me?? i've had the exact same fights with her in Mommie Dearest, that exact argument of just wanting to know why she even adopted me when she clearly didn't wanty to care for a human being, how we've been treated our entire life. and of course, bullshit answer "bEcAuSe I lOvE you and wanted a dAuGhTeR, why would you ASK such a thing, because i wanted to save you from a horrible life!!"

I'm trying to get my head straight and strategise a plan more because she's showing signs of wanting to sabotage me making money/getting a job and i need to make a safe distance between her in this situation so i can get a job, get my own money, my own bank account and run like the wind. it's just so sad, like EXTREMELY that i can't just trust and love her and trust she has my best interest at heart, that she's someone i have to protect myself from because she's historically only been toxic, gaslighting, manipulative, mean, emotionally abusive, that i have to protect myself from her and can't just have a mom i can trust has basic care for me and my best interest. even if she makes mistakes or does some harmful things, that's different than what i've been through, my brain just doesn't want to comprehend that reality that she's not going to be the mother i've needed and she has no intention to be.

 

[niceday]

I also wanted to start a thread like this because it really can change and even save someone's life. My mother's favorite line from the movie Tangled is "mother knows best," which I now find rather ironic.

Thanks to your post, I remembered some things from my own childhood. Narcissists love to ascribe malicious intent to everything, and it becomes so hard to shake the thought that you're always looking for some kind of gain—and that even your kindness hides something bad. I left my parental nest thinking, "We all grew up in families that treated us well, so why did I grow up so messed up?"

Her words have nothing to do with you. That's her sick mind stuck in a 3-5-year-old child who expects adult responsibilities. And, of course, projections. You'll have to look for the truth about yourself elsewhere. <3

 

[badkarma4618]

Omg, i have no words. i see my "mom" in ALOT of that and from when i've read from others, they play out of the same narcissistic rulebook or something. thank you for sharing, there's no way that was easy for you, i hope i don't sound fake when i say it means alot to hear from others that i'm not crazy for being around people expecting me to believe this is normal and healthy and ok in any way. hugs to you, i'm so glad you got away and on your own two feet.

yeah, i can't wrap my head around them even wanting to purposely sabotage their kids, i can only understand a really dense, dumb parent doing that and not realising it, but that's not what this is at all, it's purposeful sabotage, entitlement, nasty as fuck. "i deserve all the money my kid makes and nothing will tell meotherwise, that's MY money", holy fuck, where do they even get that notion, much less have so much confidence that they're in the right, i just don't get it at all. but i know the longer i stay stuck in this trying to "figure it out and make sense of it", even though with some things in life, making sense of things can help how i think about something, etc. but in this case, i'm only going to stay stuck the more i try to "make sense of it", hoping that'll alleviate some of it, like understanding their psychology or whatever. because it's just too hard to accept/own that someone who's a parent/caregiver could be genuinely cruel and nasty. i've been in this, i guess, denial, like she just doesn't realsie and is really dense. most dense people eventually have that "OHHHHH i see what you mean now, i didn't even think of that, i was thinking of it this wayu, but now that you mention that, i can see how that comes off as nasty/mean,m i'm sorry, that was too pushy". they literally act like saying something like that will melt them, yet they make you apologise for breathing wrong at them and being ungrateful when being hurt by them walking all over you and reminders you're a person with agency, they HATE being reminded of that. another thing i don't get, i described it to a therapist once like when i said i deserve to have my basic boundaries respected and she scrunched her nose up at it, it was like she sees me as a cockroach and it's disgusting that i think i deserve human respect, that's impossible!! i jjust asked her to politely ask if she could use the bathroom because she would always just barge in and never felt any need to be polite, and she scrunched her nose when i asked for human politeness that she shows others, and she found that ridiculous and disgusting, like a cockroach asking to be respected like a human. why did she even freaking adopt me?? i've had the exact same fights with her in Mommie Dearest, that exact argument of just wanting to know why she even adopted me when she clearly didn't wanty to care for a human being, how we've been treated our entire life. and of course, bullshit answer "bEcAuSe I lOvE you and wanted a dAuGhTeR, why would you ASK such a thing, because i wanted to save you from a horrible life!!"

I'm trying to get my head straight and strategise a plan more because she's showing signs of wanting to sabotage me making money/getting a job and i need to make a safe distance between her in this situation so i can get a job, get my own money, my own bank account and run like the wind. it's just so sad, like EXTREMELY that i can't just trust and love her and trust she has my best interest at heart, that she's someone i have to protect myself from because she's historically only been toxic, gaslighting, manipulative, mean, emotionally abusive, that i have to protect myself from her and can't just have a mom i can trust has basic care for me and my best interest. even if she makes mistakes or does some harmful things, that's different than what i've been through, my brain just doesn't want to comprehend that reality that she's not going to be the mother i've needed and she has no intention to be.

this hits close to home for me. i really relate to what you said about trying to make sense of the abuse. i used to think maybe my mother didn't realize what she was doing, but truth is she really did. narcissistic parents don't want to raise independent kids, they like to have full control over a weaker beings life. what better way to feel powerful than by exerting it over an innocent child who doesn't know any different.

mine used my untreated adhd to paint me as a "difficult child" to my family, and constantly played the role of the heroic, patient, widow. she'd soak up the praise for doing it "all on her own" but behind closed doors she tore me down every opportunity she had and then would say she does it out of "love". the more i tried to grow, the harder she groups grip onto me and pull me down. probably because to her, me gaining independence was a threat. if i got out people might see her for who she really was. she may lose her scapegoat. she won't have that small, insecure girl to step on to feel bigger.

just speculating now but maybe your mother adopting you served a similar purpose, her way of crafting a savior narrative. a narcissists fantasy: "look at me adopting a child in need" but it was never about giving you the love you deserved, just about being seen as someone who does. that's not a reflection of your worth though, you deserved a mother who truly loved you and rooted for you, someone safe in your corner. the fact she denied you of that is on her, not you.

there's this quote i've always carried with me from a book called "radical feminist therapy" (yeah it sounds REALLY cringe but it was actually a pretty good read)

"often father and daughter look down upon mother together. they exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. they agree that she is not as bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. this collusion does not save the daughter from the mothers fate."

i think about that a lot, in our case she looks down upon us. she sees us as less, inconvenient, flawed, beneath her. and it wasn't just a momentary attitude, it was how she kept control. narcissists hate being truly seen, so they twist reality, isolate, and manipulate to maintain power. but now we see it. and that means we don't have to repeat it. we don't have to become them. we get that chance to break the cycle. and good for you working towards getting out. keep going you are doing the hardest, bravest work and it will all be worth it once you are free.