Narcissistc mother forced me to register on tinder even though I have a boyfriend, tells me who to match based on who she likes.

[Neowise]

My narcissistic mother often complains about how I never go out and meet people except for retards (she hates my friends and boyfriend). So a couple of days ago something irrelevant to the tinder story happened that made her extremely angry at me ("go find someone normal who fucks you from the front and from behind") and she forced me to register on tinder. The following story is real, I am 26 years old, still live at home and live in Germany. And no, we are not religious at all.

Not only did she force me to register on tinder. Whenever I operate tinder she sits next to me and tells me exactly what to do. During the registration process she told me what photos to upload and what interests I should select to display. And then for the swiping, of course she also sits next to me. She looks at the guys, their pictures and their bio and then tells me whether to click on X or on heart (tinder on PC). If the guy is studying at university she doesn't even want to see the profile, she immediately says "heart".

While I am currently doing my Master's in Biology my boyfriend is "only" working in IT. Neither is he rich nor super attractive (aka no 8/10 or above) nor does he always agree to her political opinions so he doesn't elevate my narcisstistic mother's social status, and thus she absolutely hates him. To use incel terminology to keep it simple, she thinks he is a manlet and that I deserve Chad. And by saying "go find someone normal who fucks you" she basically means "go find rich Chad from university who can repair things around the house and never disagrees with me to fuck you".

I only have tinder since about 3 days and was quite busy, so I have only gotten around 5 matches. I want to tell the guys what this is all about so they won't waste their time, but I don't know how or when since my mother will definetely want to read the chats and tell me what to write to them. Perhaps I will have to agree on a date and then tell them in person right away...
I've also not told my boyfriend yet. I still need to process that this is actually happening and I have no clue how to tell him. He knows my mother is a complete psycho, but knowing I'm on tinder would probably make him worry about our (long distance) relationship. I don't want him to go through bullshit like this, but at the same time I feel like it's better to be honest. I like him so much and I don't know what to do... what do you guys think?

I hate narcissistic people so fucking much. I bet many of you can relate. Honestly I wouldn't mind concentration camps reopening for people like my mother. Dumb, fat, ugly bitch that watches TV the whole day and does nothing else.

 

[Pluto]

There's a lot to be shocked at here. I wish I could barge in and rescue you.

A few things to know about narcissistic personality disorder. It is not considered curable. My father is in his 80s and has not evolved even 1 millimetre. And serious long-term damage is being done to you by being in that environment.

The advice I would give my former self is to keep as far away as possible, minimise interactions and leave as soon as possible. Even if you have to work a fast food joint on weekends and be in a share house with other people your age. Please protect yourself. Being locked in a cage with a lion will never end well.

PS: an addendum for the members here with NPD, this is not to demean you or dismiss the events leading up to this mental condition establishing itself.

 

[Neowise]

PS: an addendum for the members here with NPD, this is not to demean you or dismiss the events leading up to this mental condition establishing itself.

Yes, I want to make clear that I am not attacking anyone on this forum. I don't include people who think of themselves as narcissists because I don't believe true narcisissts can become self aware, and the ones who aren't self aware don't feel like they are being talked to anyways.
Sorry if my words are too harsh, it's just how I feel right now.

 

[summers]

@Neowise this it your choice, of course, but it may be a good idea to tell your bf about this situation. Not because you would slip up, but it seems like there is a good chance your mother will tell him. Hearing it from you would be a lot easier for him to understand than your mother basically telling him you're cheating on him (you're not, but I bet she would say that).

In general, it's better to not be on the defensive about things. If you break the news, you control the conversation.

 

[Darkover]

cheating on your boyfirend not good

 

[Neowise]

there is a good chance your mother will tell him

She absolutely hates him, she is so disgusted by his existense that she doesn't even want to see him. I only drive to him to meet him, he doesn't come over anymore. There is nothing she would tell him because she will most likely never see him again anytime soon. But you are right, if there is a chance he learns about it, then it's best he hears it from me first.

cheating on your boyfirend not good

I am not, but thanks for your input.

 

[FinalPeace]

I understand that families in certain countries live together way into their 20s and even into their 30s but you are old enough and experienced enough to be on your own. Even if you have to rent a room or bed in a share or hostel it has to be better than this. The fact that you are discussing it here tells me you know it's wrong deep down on every level. You are probably just caught in a tough situation between loving your mom and being the pawn of a narcissist.

Your boyfriend will not likely be understanding of what's happening if he finds out that you are engaging your mom's desires from anyone else but you. I don't even have to mention that it's also dishonest behavior that is disrespectful to your relationship with him. If you tell him now, he may be able to brainstorm with you on how to get out of this situation quickly. You don't want him to be blindsided by this.

You need to leave like yesterday. Please do it before you lose all senses of who you are and you lose all your boundaries. It's already clear that she's trampling all over you. If this continues you will likely lose all of your ability to recover from this in addition to your chance at having a normal life. Those who are abused more often, unknowingly and continually, attract abusers into their lives in other areas too. Leaving your mom will be a strong stance for you and help you break the cycle.

 

[Antigonish]

There is so much not okay with that.