my whole life i've been feeling like i should die because of my family

[eggsausagerice]

i'm the youngest family fuck up and disappointment, closeted ftm, only college drop out when my siblings and my parents got higher education, and the only one to be hospitalized twice. they (my family) hate me. i know they do. it only makes sense, because i'm always disappointing them. my sister and my mom have been on my ass recently, but my sister's the one that's been telling me how disappointed she is in me not having school or work. she knows i spend all day at home. she notices that the only things i go out for are going to the mall, shops, or the the movie theater. nothing important. she knows i can't drive either, so i rely on ubers or my dad. i spend most of my days inside because ubers are expensive.

my mom's still disappointed in me too, obviously. it'd be crazy if she wasn't. i almost wish she would hit me or yell at me instead of just call me stupid or say i mess around too much. she doesn't understand what it's like to think about your future and realize you don't really want to keep trying when it feels like doing anything is just something i'm forcing to do so that she isn't telling me i'm a loser and a failure. i don't care about anything now, and i'm not sure if really cared about college before i dropped out either. i just had nowhere else to go if i was too socially awkward and dumb to be hired anywhere. most of the things i did when i was still trying to successful was because i was afraid of what she thought of me. so a core value i've held since she threatened to commit suicide in front of me and my siblings because she didn't want to be a mom is that if i don't want to keep being part of society, i can just kill myself and die. and she would prefer that instead of continuing to live as a depressed failure, because she sees suicide as a way to escape misery too.

death is scary to me, but mostly the fact that i might be saved and have to do it all over again and the pain that comes before killing myself. everyone i know looks down on me these days. they think that i'm relaxing and enjoy laying in bed all day every day because they never have as much idle time as me. even before i dropped out, i had this much free time. my college courses barely took up time in my daily life and after class i would sit in the library quietly or go home without talking to anyone. i spent most of my time thinking to myself. most people thought i was kind of depressing to be around because i was quiet and in my head. i was pretty antisocial in most situations and i got confused when people talked to me because i thought no one noticed that i existed. i still have friends from college i'm in touch with, but i don't talk to them or see them much.

i think my mom will understand why i killed myself when i do it, even if she's against suicide and thinks that i'll go to hell (she thinks everything makes you go to hell). i'm the most likely person in my family to commit suicide because i've talked about doing it multiple times and i've told my mom that she should've aborted me if she regrets having me. she has to carry the weight of me not wanting to be born and realize that i was unhappy for most of my life because she didn't know how to raise me. every day i feel guilty that she didn't abort me and chose to have me even though she already had 3 kids because she had a stepson from her first marriage. she didn't need to give birth to me and i'm not grateful that i'm alive and old enough to make vent posts on this forum before i kill myself. i've been trying to force myself to enjoy my last days i just can't. my mom still thinks i'm a loser and tells me it every day. it doesn't matter if i go out because she still talks to me when i come home. no one will really get that being home isn't relaxing and i can't afford anything when i do go out so i just loiter. i don't want to keep living such a meaningless life.

 

[.idiot]

What's your relationship with your EXTENDED family like?

i still have friends from college i'm in touch with, but i don't talk to them or see them much.

"Friends" as in actual friends or "friends" as in classmates you just interacted a bit with in college and got the contact info of?

i don't care about anything now, and i'm not sure if really cared about college before i dropped out either. i just had nowhere else to go if i was too socially awkward and dumb to be hired anywhere.

What were you majored in? Was it something you actually had any degree of interest in, or no- purely having no where else to go?

she knows i can't drive either, so i rely on ubers or my dad. i spend most of my days inside because ubers are expensive.

What's public transport (buses, trains and stuff) like in your area?

my sister and my mom have been on my ass recently, but my sister's the one that's been telling me how disappointed she is in me not having school or work. she knows i spend all day at home. she notices that the only things i go out for are going to the mall, shops, or the the movie theater. nothing important.

Half-heartedly spam job applications on a site like Indeed or something so you can show them and make them think you're trying so they lay off a bit with the "laziness". I think I said this before though

 

[Pluto]

 

[eggsausagerice]

@idiot. i'll preface this by saying i only made this post because i wanted to vent because when people ask me questions or give me advice it's usually the same things if they don't know me. i appreciate that you wanted to help, but i just don't have the energy to respond to people most of the time. i just want to use sasu as a safe space to vent because my life is really draining.

What's your relationship with your EXTENDED family like?

i don't know any of them and i don't want to know any of them because they're all on my mother's side. i've said this before but not to you. i tell everyone i only know my immediate family.

"Friends" as in actual friends or "friends" as in classmates you just interacted a bit with in college and got the contact info of?

a mix of both. i just tolerate them, but we hang out and i've known them for 3 years. they're just people that i know instead of people i'm close to. if i stopped contacting them they wouldn't really notice because i don't talk to them that often for it to be noticeable. i'm just someone they know.

What's public transport (buses, trains and stuff) like in your area?

i've mentioned this to other people but not to you specifically, but there is no public transportation in the area of the city i live in and in my city in general. the buses are mainly downtown when i live in the suburbs. i wouldn't use ubers or rely on my dad if there was accessible public transport. that wouldn't make any sense. my city is just inherently hostile to pedestrians. it's very hard to cross streets because most cars don't stop for you while you're crossing the road and there's no sidewalks or shade. if i lived in a different city, public transport wouldn't be as big of a problem for me, but it is. most people in my town get a license when they're young or get looked down on for not being independent.

 

[.idiot]

i'll preface this by saying i only made this post because i wanted to vent because when people ask me questions or give me advice it's usually the same things if they don't know me. i appreciate that you wanted to help, but i just don't have the energy to respond to people most of the time. i just want to use sasu as a safe space to vent because my life is really draining.

I will keep this in mind for the future.