My time has come.

[imbroken]

I'm the scum of the earth. Repelled by everyone including myself. I just can't continue. For years I've struggled with SI. Recently I lost a friend of mine to suicide. I found her dead in the door way from a self inflicted gunshot to the head. My life is unbelievably complicated. I'm too ashamed to write how truly fucked up I am. The only thing I need now is the WILL to die. I WANT to die, but actually killing yourself is hard. My method: hanging. I need to find some rope. I've been practicing the "jump". Just closing my eyes, imagining the rope around my neck, and like jumping in a pool, just doing it. My life is pure pain. Every second that I'm conscious I'm suffering. I lose at everything. I'm taken advantage of by everyone. I feel like I'm just a doormat. I hate myself. I have hundreds of scars from cutting myself the last 6 months. I'll miss my children. I'm sad I can't do more for them. I'm mentally incapacitated. I'm on so many medications for depression anxiety and ptsd. I've been inpatient 3 times, and have years of outpatient therapy. I'm tired. I'm hurting. No one understands me. I feel so alone. Right now I'm under a freeway bridge looking up at the crossbars, they will definitely support my CTB. I just need a rope. I was going to check myself in to the hospital but I can't deal with inpatient. No freedom, No privacy, no love. Just people doing their jobs and going home. I feel so worthless. It has to be done. I have to kill myself. It will hurt less to die than to spend however long living in constant pain and agony. My heart is broken. My thoughts are all fucked up. I'm tormented. I've tried getting help. I've tried it all. I'm just full of despair and my time is here. I'm not going to lie. I'm scared to die. To actually let go of it all. But whats my alternative? Constant ruminations of killing myself. All of my hope dreams and aspirations are GONE. I can never be that person I always wanted to be. I've fucked up every opportunity to get better. I'm self destructive. Not looking for sympathy or empathy. Just venting. This is me. This is how I feel. This is how I am. Prayers of the diminished. I'm already dead inside. I'm so full of anger. I hate life I hate myself. I hate people. This is some pissy temper tantrum because I didn't get something I wanted. This is me being transparent. Who gonna listen? Who cares? No one. So I've isolated myself. I'm starving myself. I'm cutting myself. This feels so unreal, but this is definitely reality. I'm not dreaming that I'm typing this. My time to CTB has come. Probably tonight. My "God" have mercy on my soul! Fuck my life

 

[MusicEnjoyer:D]

I hope you find the peace that you deserve.

 

[The anhedonic one]

This post hit me hard.
I have been right at that point where you are now.
It's the most soul-crushing, angst ridden feeling of utter despair imaginable.
Life has really kicked you in the teeth. And I am so fucking sorry you are going through this emotional hell.
Nobody deserves to suffer like this.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that you must live such a horrible life. I wish you all the best may it be easy for you and may you find freedom and peace on the other side soon. Good luck!

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

It seems as if you are tormenting yourself I wish a journey of healing and happiness wether you choose recovery or ctb … All the best to you

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence certainly is so hellish, I hope that you find the freedom you search for.

 

[inmyhead]

I hope you find peace.

 

[Letgo]

Wish you peace and rest. May your suffering come to an end whatever your decision may be.

 

[farlander]

If you need someone to listen while you talk about how awful everything is and not to judge you for it, I am here. I can't promise I can help, but sometimes you just need someone to hear you and validate what you're feeling even if it isn't "healthy" or whatever to dwell on it.