My therapist has seen through my charade

[noname223]

Yesterday was a very emotionally stressful day for me. I cried a lot. I missed this forum a lot as a coping mechanism. It is emotionally relieving to write my emotions down.

I had an appoinment with my therapist. He has seen through my charade. First I was not sure how. First I was even paranoid he might be a member of this forum. But this is a ridiculous and very paranoid thought. The answer is something else. I had to rate my emotions and feelings for him. In the first one I have lied. I wrote I would feel better than in reality. I thought his supervisor would like to see that. And I wanted to compliment him. Honestly we have not reached that much. But he tried as good as possible: It is not his fault that there is no happy end in my life. The second assessment was way longer and it was very difficult to lie so I wrote the truth.

I had the feeling he wanted to know whether I blame him for my mental hell. I just made one remark that I think OCD would be a fitting diagnosis in my opinion. He disagrees on that. But afterall I am not blaming him at all. My parents and my bullies are responsible for this mess. I like him. But I have stopped telling him the truth how I am feeling a long time ago. We often had the discussion that my perception on things was just too negative. His framing my life was a self-fulfilling prophecy made me really mad. ( I won't elaborate on that now.)

His gaze was extremely shocked. He was very very sad but we have not talked about this assessment for now. I rated my anxiety as very high. He looked so shocked at me that I suspect he even knows that I want to kill myself afterall. He was so sad.

And this made me really sad and angry. I started an argument with my mom yesterday because of it. I meet many professionals who really like me. They show empathy and compassion due to my horrible childhood. But it is just a fact that I am probably a hopeless case. I probably gonna kill myself. And former therapists came to the same conclusion. I meet so many people who will be sad when I am dead. My story is so sad. Usual assholes won't care. But it is so unfair the good people who show compassion will suffer the most when I ctb. I also feel bad that I will hurt my friends a lot.

I cried a lot yesterday because I thought life is unfair. Everywhere I go I make people sad. Soon our therapy sessions will be over. I try to emphasize some points how hope might remain. I try to gloss over my struggle. Not sure whether he will see through it. I just don't know what a better option would be. He tried his best but my case/brain is the problem. He is not the one to be blamed.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unfair. I'm sorry for all the suffering that you are going through. I know that it is awful when everything seems so hopeless. I wish you the best.

 

[lostmylove]

My feeling is they are designed to challenge you, confront you. From there gage your reaction and then pursue. Body language and gut feeling is mostly what they use.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You're so considerate- wanting him to feel competent in his role that you are willing to exaggerate how much he has helped. That's so kind but so sad as well. Just feel like it's their job to try and help you- no matter what mental state you are in. You shouldn't feel like you have to pretend to feel better in order to bolster their ego. Plus, how can they diagnose you if you don't tell them everything? Or at least the basics of whether things are getting better or not.

I would have thought it would be better to be honest but I guess I don't have enough experience with therapists/counselors. I can obviously see that the real truth of wanting to ctb might get you committed.

I just find it terrible that previous therapists have seen you as a 'hopeless case'. Have they all been the same kinds of therapy? Please forgive my ignorance- like I said, I haven't had much experience but aren't there different approaches to therapy? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy etc. Do you think a different approach might help?

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Yesterday was a very emotionally stressful day for me. I cried a lot. I missed this forum a lot as a coping mechanism. It is emotionally relieving to write my emotions down.

I had an appoinment with my therapist. He has seen through my charade. First I was not sure how. First I was even paranoid he might be a member of this forum. But this is a ridiculous and very paranoid thought. The answer is something else. I had to rate my emotions and feelings for him. In the first one I have lied. I wrote I would feel better than in reality. I thought his supervisor would like to see that. And I wanted to compliment him. Honestly we have not reached that much. But he tried as good as possible: It is not his fault that there is no happy end in my life. The second assessment was way longer and it was very difficult to lie so I wrote the truth.

I had the feeling he wanted to know whether I blame him for my mental hell. I just made one remark that I think OCD would be a fitting diagnosis in my opinion. He disagrees on that. But afterall I am not blaming him at all. My parents and my bullies are responsible for this mess. I like him. But I have stopped telling him the truth how I am feeling a long time ago. We often had the discussion that my perception on things was just too negative. His framing my life was a self-fulfilling prophecy made me really mad. ( I won't elaborate on that now.)

His gaze was extremely shocked. He was very very sad but we have not talked about this assessment for now. I rated my anxiety as very high. He looked so shocked at me that I suspect he even knows that I want to kill myself afterall. He was so sad.

And this made me really sad and angry. I started an argument with my mom yesterday because of it. I meet many professionals who really like me. They show empathy and compassion due to my horrible childhood. But it is just a fact that I am probably a hopeless case. I probably gonna kill myself. And former therapists came to the same conclusion. I meet so many people who will be sad when I am dead. My story is so sad. Usual assholes won't care. But it is so unfair the good people who show compassion will suffer the most when I ctb. I also feel bad that I will hurt my friends a lot.

I cried a lot yesterday because I thought life is unfair. Everywhere I go I make people sad. Soon our therapy sessions will be over. I try to emphasize some points how hope might remain. I try to gloss over my struggle. Not sure whether he will see through it. I just don't know what a better option would be. He tried his best but my case/brain is the problem. He is not the one to be blamed.

I like how you stated the therapists said your feeling on life was just too negative

The toxic positivity types are the worst. My biggest memories of these types were the churchgoers. Probably one of the most annoying archetypes out there is a toxic positive churchgoer

Reality is often negative despite sometimes tender and nice moments in life .

 

[noname223]

You're so considerate- wanting him to feel competent in his role that you are willing to exaggerate how much he has helped. That's so kind but so sad as well. Just feel like it's their job to try and help you- no matter what mental state you are in. You shouldn't feel like you have to pretend to feel better in order to bolster their ego. Plus, how can they diagnose you if you don't tell them everything? Or at least the basics of whether things are getting better or not.

I would have thought it would be better to be honest but I guess I don't have enough experience with therapists/counselors. I can obviously see that the real truth of wanting to ctb might get you committed.

I just find it terrible that previous therapists have seen you as a 'hopeless case'. Have they all been the same kinds of therapy? Please forgive my ignorance- like I said, I haven't had much experience but aren't there different approaches to therapy? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy etc. Do you think a different approach might help?

Yes it was cognitive behavioural therapy (all 3 times). The second therapist who gave me up said somethiing like: Yeah I could ask another therapist whether he/she wants to be your therapist but don't hold up any hopes.

Later she lied to my mom she would have never said these words. What a bitch. I never really liked her. She also said stuff like it would be easier just to give up and that fighting does not make any sense anymore in my case. She told me you are smart enough to recognize that.

Yeah I think she is right but I have some psychological problem with the concept of giving up. It made me extremely depressed.. I rather deceive me by clinging to the tiny remaining hope. I try run away. Do escapism etc. But I also try to do work productively to solve my problems.

Almost everything backfired.. Yeah I will have to face suicide in the future because of that. But I try to enjoy my privileges I currently have as much as possible. This is mainly the fact that I have currently enough money to live a monetary decent life. When the money is gone I gonna kill myself. Or if the extreme psychosomatic pain returns.

Now when I think about it, Maybe my current therpist has talked with one of the former therapist who gave me up. Maybe or probably this is only a paranoid thought. I think maybe this would have been illegal. So it seems to be really unlikely. Though I think I have given consent to that some time ago...
But he was really shocked at our last appoinment. It really felt like he was aware about my (serious) suicidality. I just don't know how he got that. Maybe the only reason is this assessement I had to make about my mental health.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes it was cognitive behavioural therapy (all 3 times). The second therapist who gave me up said somethiing like: Yeah I could ask another therapist whether he/she wants to be your therapist but don't hold up any hopes.

Later she lied to my mom she would have never said these words. What a bitch. I never really liked her. She also said stuff like it would be easier just to give up and that fighting does not make any sense anymore in my case. She told me you are smart enough to recognize that.

Yeah I think she is right but I have some psychological problem with the concept of giving up. It made me extremely depressed.. I rather deceive me by clinging to the tiny remaining hope. I try run away. Do escapism etc. But I also try to do work productively to solve my problems.

Almost everything backfired.. Yeah I will have to face suicide in the future because of that. But I try to enjoy my privileges I currently have as much as possible. This is mainly the fact that I have currently enough money to live a monetary decent life. When the money is gone I gonna kill myself. Or if the extreme psychosomatic pain returns.

Now when I think about it, Maybe my current therpist has talked with one of the former therapist who gave me up. Maybe or probably this is only a paranoid thought. I think maybe this would have been illegal. So it seems to be really unlikely. Though I think I have given consent to that some time ago...
But he was really shocked at our last appoinment. It really felt like he was aware about my (serious) suicidality. I just don't know how he got that. Maybe the only reason is this assessement I had to make about my mental health.

God, that sounds awful... You go to these people for help...

Obviously you know more than me- you were there and your 2nd therapist does sound terrible. Do you really think she meant 'give up on life'?!! Or do you think it may have been more- mentally fighting against inevitable life events isn't going to work- so might be best to try and 'go with the flow' type thing? I'm always using sayings but there's the one:

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

Do you think she may have meant something more like this? Seems abhorrent to just tell someone they ought to just give up!

I think it's against patient confidentiality to share your information with other people. I think the exception is if you imply you might hurt someone else- in which case, I think they have the right to warn the person. I would think if he truly believed you were going to imminently suicide, he would have sectioned you.

I really hope you can find a way through your struggles. It's good that things are financially OK for the time being- gives you time and space to try and relax and hopefully find a way through.