My therapist has a girlfriend and now I want to CTB. Help?

[exiled]

PLEASE BE GENTLE! I know it's best for me to just walk away right now but I need people to be compassionate, understanding and realistic. The whole story is way too long to type and would require a million characters and four hours of your time. There's A LOT more to it than I typed.

Long story short I grew up sex trafficked since childhood and severely messed up from it. In a very current scary situation, still very close in proximity to my abusers and severe Stockholm syndrome.

My therapist's little sister took her own life when they were kids and he had a lot of transference for me from the beginning. Long story short he got a hold of my brothers phone number because my brother was texting me r*pe threats. My therapist involved himself to the point of pretending to be FBI and wanting to hunt him down, sending threatening shirtless videos saying he was going to find him, and even drove to my apartment without ny knowledge twice (I caught him)

He also took my dog for me for months while I escaped a situation and

Well long story short he really had intense emotions and did a LOT of things for me outside of session

Then one day he got scared I told on him to some ethics board which I never ever did. Since then he got really scared and pulled back all the way.

Now all of a sudden he has a girlfriend who he brings up and is very cold to me. But then once, asked if I was in love with him unprompted?

He's also a famous singer and just released a new album with songs filled with lyrics about saving a girl in trouble and showing up to her apartment

Anyway…..

YES OBVIOUSLY it's toxic and he's gaslighting and manipulating and it's a bad thing

BUT

Am I being a "home wrecker" or doing a disservice to his girlfriend if I still see him? I still find comfort in his help as im escaping a hell situation from my abusers. I need him. I'm comforted by him. I love him like a brother.

But I'm knowingly staying with him as a client when he has a girlfriend but is struggling with his emotions for me.

I just need him close because I'm severely sucidal and I know he cares about me. I also want his girlfriend who doesn't even know I exist to not be impacted. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't lose him.

Without his knowledge I looked her up and found out she runs a photography business. I made a fake phone number to see if she was taking clients and became friendly with her. Turns out she and him got together right after my therapist THOUGHT I betrayed him.

It felt like a power move to rub in my face.
I am evil for ever making a fake number but my heart was hurt

I need this therapist after just recently getting terribly hurt from my family. He crosses absolutely NO ethical boundaries now.

IF ANYTHING he is cold and aloof most of the time with the rare occasion of his passion and attachment slipping through.

Am I a home wrecker? I want the best for his girlfriend and I don't want to hurt anyone. Is it my fault if he has feelings deep down? Or is it his responsibility?

Please don't be mean. I'm on the verge of sucide. Over this. Got my materials ready and set. I just don't know how to get through this without feeling like a terrible evil devil.

 

[Sleeper System]

Assuming your short story is real...

The right thing for you to do is remove yourself from that situation because it was tainted and unhealthy from the beginning.
The longer you wait the more damage is going to be done

The best thing for YOU to do is continue the way you're going being selfish and a victim because it's keeping you alive.
You clearly don't care about none of the people involved. It's all what's best for you. No one else.

Truelly a difficult situation. If it's true. Sorry.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your difficult situation.

I don't know how to be gentle with you here. Because he definitely overstepped ethical boundaries and it sounds as if he was trying to set you up for a relationship with him initially, which although that may seem like a good deal for you right now, it almost definitely would've ended in disaster for you, and is not something he should have been doing as your professional therapist. I see many red flags already that if that did happen it would've turned highly abusive and you would've been trapped. Also if he was purely good or ethical, then he would not be behaving this way and he must surely know how his current behaviour is affecting you as well, which means that he knows that he is making you feel bad, conflicted and tied to him and he doesn't care. The fact that he immediately threw his new gf in your face, and the circumstances surrounding that, and other things you mentioned are all examples of highly sketchy, manipulative and dubious behaviour.

In any case, some of his prior behaviour is extremely disturbing & questionable and could well be illegal as well. I'm talking about stalking your apartment among other things. Also it seems plain that he's manipulated your feelings which is making you continue to feel for him despite how he's treated you. He appears to have ulterior motives which is not a good thing.

The problem is because you don't have anybody else, and the nature of past and current relationships (Stockholm, etc), you have an attachment to him despite the toxic and unethical relationship you share. I also cannot guarantee that you will find anything to fill the hole and give you what you currently need, nor that another person won't attempt to take advantage the same way once they recognize you're vulnerable, however I think that having nothing with the chance of having something good, is better than having something toxic even if you don't feel that way right now and just want to have the toxic thing that you knew.

The other problem is with some of his actions he's made you to feel as if he a good person and because of your past & situation you are very forgiving, feel like you are not a deserving person, and cannot properly react to all of the red flags about him and things that point to otherwise about both of you. It's a bit of case of having rose-tinted glasses, you can see the things enough to talk about them but you're not running for the hills.

Despite all of that, I implore you to break this off. It's not healthy and I only foresee pain for you no matter how it progresses from here. If you do not break it off you must be certain that under no circumstances you see this person as anything other than a therapist. If you know you can do that, you should discard all feelings you have for them and see them only professionally. But the way they are treating you, as cold and indifferent, and their past behaviour, I do not want you to go through that. I do not think it is safe.

I really hope that you can find someone else that can treat you kindly but not overstep boundaries. Please do not ctb only from what I write, what this person has done, your past, or from feeling like you're a bad person. Only if it's right for you.

You're not a bad person and none of this is your fault. You've been through a lot and this person has taken advantage of their position and manipulated you. It's not you. At all. You haven't done anything wrong. You're a good person. You don't deserve this. It's unfair. You deserve unconditional kindness and respect. You have value as a person. You are not a homewrecker. You are not doing anyone a disservice, because you are not the one in the position of power here. You're not evil, or a devil. You're good. You exhibit some qualities of inherent kindness despite what you've been through. You can make it through this, even if it's difficult. You deserve a happy, normal life in the future.

The way he feels is not your fault. His feelings and actions are his responsibility and if he has so little control over them he honestly should not be in that profession, for everybody's benefit. You don't want to hear this but you might not be the only person he has done this to or plans to. They sound somewhat narcissistic (maybe type 1/2 "Saviour") and are in a position where people are drawn to them and they don't have any qualms or reasonable limitations about their own behaviour, meaning they take advantage of people whenever they can. They are immoralistic, which also means that they don't really care about anything other than themselves and what benefits them and makes them feel good. In this case, acting as if he needs to "save" people and as if normal societal rules don't apply to them. I'm well conversant with this type of narcissism.

"but is struggling with his emotions for me." - I think he is just making you feel like he is struggling, but the fact that he ditched you instantly for a girlfriend and the way he treats you tells me he doesn't care about you in the way he should, at all. In the first place, he had no right to put you in that position anyway. To me it just sounds like he is happy to string you along as a spare while making you feel bad and as if you did something wrong. When he should not be overstepping any of these boundaries in the first place.

Please break it off so you don't have to hurt more in future. Not because of him or his girlfriend. Break it off because you deserve better than this.

Unrelated but honestly it's a very sad thing that some people seem to become a therapist just to take advantage of people coming from bad situations. I've had to experience a lot of abuse too. I am always reading about abuses of power in various professions, from families, to teachers, to therapists, to government.

I wrote a lot because I was worried about you and wanted to answer all of your questions along with providing my own insights. I hope I didn't write anything inconsiderate, and same for anyone else because I'm worried you'll ctb from this situation. When stuff with therapists happened to me I also wanted to ctb quite severely for at least several months.

 

[hellispink]

If you know is unethical, then be responsible for yourself and your actions. Leave and respect other peoples relationships. Dont put your past as excuse for your behavior. He is obviously a psychopath with narcissistic tendencies (he has power, being a therapist musician whatever) and obviously is using somebody (mentally not well) to abuse and use her weaknesses and her emotional dependency for his own gains. If you insist that you need him ( i get it i have bpd too) then send her girlfriend a note or a text anonymously telling her that you love him and have a "relationship " with him. You would be doing her a favor honestly because she would save herself from that psychopath.