A suicide note - because I wanted to write it not because i'm going. It's long so kudos if your attention span is that long
As a child everyone tells you that you can be anything you want. I believe at some point in all lives that is in fact at least somewhat true. However, we continue to teach this to children long after it becomes a lie. It's just one lie of many we share in hopes of passing on our own hopes and dreams that for most adults have long ago set aside in favor of more "realistic" lifestyles. In many cases it's not so much giving up as as loving the life you made, despite it lacking the vision of all the things you truly wanted.
I always thought it somewhat grotesque that our earliest moments are marred with lies. We tell our toddler there are no more cookies, or that they lost their toy, or that they will be back later. We teach them about santa, the easter bunny or god forbid...some divine entity in the sky. We lie so easily as adults because from the time we are children we are shown how to. We base all the fundamentals on magic and hope because we are trying to convince ourselves we still believe in something of that promise we could be anything we want.
See as a child life collides around us in a barrage of experiences that molds us into who we are. As we get older we shed away the layers of the lies that no longer make sense until we arrive at reasonable assumptions about who we are, who we could be, and what we might make of our life. Most people find meaning and purpose and love where they are at this stage. In a world that only starts to make sense when you love, are loved and are mature enough to understand that nothing else mattered anyway.
As it often does love creates a child and you too lie to that child. You tell them how if they set their mind to it they can do anything they want, be anyone they want. Tell them stories of Jesus, the easter bunny and yes of course santa. Those are the good lies. The invitation of imagination, possibility, and endless reasons to hope for the life your child wants. Still, sometimes maybe just a fib about where the cookies went because you want your child to be healthy. So, we lie.
When I was child and even into my adulthood I could never really grasp the audacity you must have to lie to your children to convince them of things you do not believe. It seemed to me a cruel trick to convince me I could be something that I knew, even then I could never be. I just never believed the lie. However, I see now why the lie is necessary.
When you believe in a lie for so long parts of it stay with you until the lie itself erodes until it's something true. A drive to be a better person, to be motivated and inspired, to be loved and to love because while it is true nothing else really matters anyway it easier to love yourself when you believe in the promise of something better. The promise that starts with a few of the good lies. The lies you should tell your children because it's the right thing to do so that eventually it's true.
I know this will not answer anything nor offer any of the insight you may have been looking for and for that I am truly sorry. The fact is so many people were so good to me and I was loved. I also had the chance to love in a way I thought I never could. Watching my niece grow up has brought joy to me I once thought was gone forever. To live with her and watch her grow gives me a unique perspective that most people who are not parents would never understand and I am so thankful for that.
I'm truly sorry that I will not be here to see who she becomes. I hope above all else that you lie to her, tell her she can do anything she sets her mind to, promise her a vacation to mars so if all she ever does is land on the moon, that would be enough for her to have made sense of who she is, who she could be, and what she can do with her life. I believe the lie for her and for the first time in a long time I am hopeful.
my deepest apologies I could not give you closure with this. No words could make this easy, I know. It's just that I never believed the lie for me because I was smart enough to know even as a child that something is broken in me. Now, as an adult I am also smart enough to know that I was right even way back when. No amount of meds or therapy can fix me because I am not actually broken at all. I was loved, I love, and nothing else mattered anyway.
As a child everyone tells you that you can be anything you want. I believe at some point in all lives that is in fact at least somewhat true. However, we continue to teach this to children long after it becomes a lie. It's just one lie of many we share in hopes of passing on our own hopes and dreams that for most adults have long ago set aside in favor of more "realistic" lifestyles. In many cases it's not so much giving up as as loving the life you made, despite it lacking the vision of all the things you truly wanted.
I always thought it somewhat grotesque that our earliest moments are marred with lies. We tell our toddler there are no more cookies, or that they lost their toy, or that they will be back later. We teach them about santa, the easter bunny or god forbid...some divine entity in the sky. We lie so easily as adults because from the time we are children we are shown how to. We base all the fundamentals on magic and hope because we are trying to convince ourselves we still believe in something of that promise we could be anything we want.
See as a child life collides around us in a barrage of experiences that molds us into who we are. As we get older we shed away the layers of the lies that no longer make sense until we arrive at reasonable assumptions about who we are, who we could be, and what we might make of our life. Most people find meaning and purpose and love where they are at this stage. In a world that only starts to make sense when you love, are loved and are mature enough to understand that nothing else mattered anyway.
As it often does love creates a child and you too lie to that child. You tell them how if they set their mind to it they can do anything they want, be anyone they want. Tell them stories of Jesus, the easter bunny and yes of course santa. Those are the good lies. The invitation of imagination, possibility, and endless reasons to hope for the life your child wants. Still, sometimes maybe just a fib about where the cookies went because you want your child to be healthy. So, we lie.
When I was child and even into my adulthood I could never really grasp the audacity you must have to lie to your children to convince them of things you do not believe. It seemed to me a cruel trick to convince me I could be something that I knew, even then I could never be. I just never believed the lie. However, I see now why the lie is necessary.
When you believe in a lie for so long parts of it stay with you until the lie itself erodes until it's something true. A drive to be a better person, to be motivated and inspired, to be loved and to love because while it is true nothing else really matters anyway it easier to love yourself when you believe in the promise of something better. The promise that starts with a few of the good lies. The lies you should tell your children because it's the right thing to do so that eventually it's true.
I know this will not answer anything nor offer any of the insight you may have been looking for and for that I am truly sorry. The fact is so many people were so good to me and I was loved. I also had the chance to love in a way I thought I never could. Watching my niece grow up has brought joy to me I once thought was gone forever. To live with her and watch her grow gives me a unique perspective that most people who are not parents would never understand and I am so thankful for that.
I'm truly sorry that I will not be here to see who she becomes. I hope above all else that you lie to her, tell her she can do anything she sets her mind to, promise her a vacation to mars so if all she ever does is land on the moon, that would be enough for her to have made sense of who she is, who she could be, and what she can do with her life. I believe the lie for her and for the first time in a long time I am hopeful.
my deepest apologies I could not give you closure with this. No words could make this easy, I know. It's just that I never believed the lie for me because I was smart enough to know even as a child that something is broken in me. Now, as an adult I am also smart enough to know that I was right even way back when. No amount of meds or therapy can fix me because I am not actually broken at all. I was loved, I love, and nothing else mattered anyway.
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