JustABug
Sinking in my skin
- Aug 18, 2023
- 115
Here is my suicide note. I have been reworking it over and over to make sure that what I want my loved ones to hear is written down. It's been carefully revised to cause less pain for them. Here it is:
At the end of the day, what I write here won't mean much. It won't fix the pain someone will feel seeing my body or the pain from knowing i'm no longer here.
My soul, body and mind wasn't made for this life. For the environment and expectations. The universe has tried to experience life through me and we've come to a dead end. I understand the pain I am going to put others through, but I've been suffering for years. Agonising years! Because I didn't want to hurt anyone. To Hell with that honestly.
Maybe you're grieving my death now or maybe you're looking fondly. But one things for certain, I am happy. Please know I am happy. This wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I have been planning this suicide since I overdosed in 2018, Learning how I want to go about it. will I write a note? where I'll do it. Did I want it painful? Did I want to be found quickly or turn up wet and discoloured?
It's funny how hard your body tries to keep you alive. I mean, you are everything, right? To your organs, your blood cells, your ligaments, you mean everything. Your body fights for you every day. Isn't that beautiful? Even through everything, you are still breathing. Your lungs still expand to let in air, to accept life. You will live strong and happy. I am rooting for you.
Just because I couldn't keep going, doesn't mean you have to give up. Think about it, you really truly haven't lived long, have you? Keep living. Life can be so fulfilling and I know it's hypocritical of me to say, but life is beautiful. It is worth living for.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for a long time. I needed to understand if this is truly what I wanted and if I could make life easier for me. Suicide is a hard way out but understand it was right for me. No, even if you were there for me it wouldn't have done anything. I don't need anyone pitying themselves. This isn't about you, alright? I just want to be free of existence. I don't want to experience anything. This isn't about any of you.
I'm happy to be gone. I'll miss seeing everyone experiencing life, but that is all. I can imagine everyone will be where they need to be. They'll all be okay. Maybe this is me convincing myself for peace of mind, but I do truly believe it. I am not missing out on anything, I am glad to end it here.
God exists. I know he has enough love for me.
At the end of the day, what I write here won't mean much. It won't fix the pain someone will feel seeing my body or the pain from knowing i'm no longer here.
My soul, body and mind wasn't made for this life. For the environment and expectations. The universe has tried to experience life through me and we've come to a dead end. I understand the pain I am going to put others through, but I've been suffering for years. Agonising years! Because I didn't want to hurt anyone. To Hell with that honestly.
Maybe you're grieving my death now or maybe you're looking fondly. But one things for certain, I am happy. Please know I am happy. This wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I have been planning this suicide since I overdosed in 2018, Learning how I want to go about it. will I write a note? where I'll do it. Did I want it painful? Did I want to be found quickly or turn up wet and discoloured?
It's funny how hard your body tries to keep you alive. I mean, you are everything, right? To your organs, your blood cells, your ligaments, you mean everything. Your body fights for you every day. Isn't that beautiful? Even through everything, you are still breathing. Your lungs still expand to let in air, to accept life. You will live strong and happy. I am rooting for you.
Just because I couldn't keep going, doesn't mean you have to give up. Think about it, you really truly haven't lived long, have you? Keep living. Life can be so fulfilling and I know it's hypocritical of me to say, but life is beautiful. It is worth living for.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for a long time. I needed to understand if this is truly what I wanted and if I could make life easier for me. Suicide is a hard way out but understand it was right for me. No, even if you were there for me it wouldn't have done anything. I don't need anyone pitying themselves. This isn't about you, alright? I just want to be free of existence. I don't want to experience anything. This isn't about any of you.
I'm happy to be gone. I'll miss seeing everyone experiencing life, but that is all. I can imagine everyone will be where they need to be. They'll all be okay. Maybe this is me convincing myself for peace of mind, but I do truly believe it. I am not missing out on anything, I am glad to end it here.
God exists. I know he has enough love for me.
