DevonBostick'sAss
BillyIdol
- Jan 10, 2025
- 89
Hello everyone. Its been SO long since I posted here. I have tried lots of things and failed obviously.
I don't know where to start, or if this even matters anymore. I'm tired. Tired in a way sleep can't fix I don't blame anyone.
I have tried to take all of my pills (Anti-Dep) at once. Think I took like 27 Zedprex along with alcohol. Lots of alcohol lol. It was so strange not what I expected at all. My head was so heavy, like there's a fog settling behind my eyes. Everything felt slower, softer. My heart was racing but my body was so tired. I thought it would be peaceful right away, but there was this buzzing in my ears, and my stomach's turning. The alcohol didn't help. Or maybe it did. I don't know anymore. I was scared of It leaving damages I dont even know if there can be damages from this method. I already cut contact with all of my friends / blocked some of them. Hoping they wouldnt know or guess.
I saw my friend the day before. He didnt see me. He was with his 2 friends one girl one boy. He was happy,he looked happy at least. Seeing him happy made me feel weird that I dont know If I can explain. He was wearing his frickin old grey jacket that he always wore. Same fit Same hair Same look. I wanted SO much to reach out but he didnt wanted me to. I just knew that. I will also post my ''Suicide note'' here to him If you guys are interested. I already failed. But If Im gonna try again at least I will leave my note here so maybe he can see it someday:
Dear A,
I'm sorry for writing this in english I know it's cringe. This is a note that i'm thinking about giving to you on your birthday.I'm writing this on a Sunday morning , going to work, listening sad songs and looking at our photos.
First of all I'm sorry for everything. I wish it was different I really do. If I could go back to the time we first met I believe it would be different. I would open to you.
It's unfair to want someone to live when they don't want to stay here anymore. I don't want to be unfair to you. I don't want to hold you where you don't wanna stay. I don't have the right to. But even though I say these,with all my selfishness I would still want you to stay no matter what. Im sorry.
I wanted to hold you back. I wanted for you to live and laugh. The day you told me that you would rather be dead even in your happiest moments It hit me. It hit me hard.
Not going to lie this note was not a birthday note. I changed it. This was a note in case I would leave first. I just wanted you to know a few things. Our agreement will end after your birthday so it's certain we both wont do anything until August. So I think I will either send this to you or give it to you on paper and ask you to read it later.
It's 8.26 AM right now and silver springs just started to play. I probably wont be able to listen Fleetwood Mac if you do something stupid. Giving this ridiculous note on your birthday is really not ethical I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know all of these. I don't want to go / I don't want you to go without knowing these. Fuck I'm crying. I hate this.
" I'll follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you." RAAAH GIVE ME JUST A CHANCE.
Don't worry I'm not using Ai while writing this. Every time I fix the " I- I'm " shit it reminds me of you.
I love you so much. I'm so sorry for everything. I really just freeze when I think about you. I wish I really wish I was enough for you
When I realized I couldn't save you, something inside me cracked. Not because I'm angry with you. Never that. But because I can't bear to live in a world that chooses to let someone like you suffer. I can't stand the thought of waking up tomorrow and not being able to call your name, or hear your tired laughter,remind you for the hundredth time that you matter or even your gay femboy jokes. I would give everything to hear that every morning. I begged "Allah or whatever there is" to change your mind. I tried being stronger, louder, softer, better anything that might make you want to stay. You were never a burden to me. You were the reason I kept going when I didn't even know I was getting bad.
At the moment you don't want to talk to me. I don't know the reason why it breaks my heart. I only text "good morning"s and "good night "s to you everyday. I'm hoping that this will remind you that Im here no matter what. I still care and will always care. No matter what.
I took advice from some friends of mine. From those who I trust. I explained both your and my situation. They all told me to let you go and it shouldn't be my responsibility to look after you. But I don't agree with them. Not at all. I willingly would spend the rest of my life with you if you wanted me to.I would leave everyone and everything if you wanted me to. I am willing to do these all if it ever makes you want to stay here. But I guess it's not enough. I love you no matter what. Even though I respect your decisions you make about your life I will not let you die from my hand nor my support. So you better say goodbye to your SN :).We shall see each other again though Im not quite sure where it will be.
Welp that was my note. I really dont know its kinda cringe. I dont know If I will have the courage to do it again we will never know I guess :D.
Love yall take care of yourselves. Be yourselves. Cry. Sleep.
I have still so much love to give. I have so much love to give.
-JJ
I don't know where to start, or if this even matters anymore. I'm tired. Tired in a way sleep can't fix I don't blame anyone.
I have tried to take all of my pills (Anti-Dep) at once. Think I took like 27 Zedprex along with alcohol. Lots of alcohol lol. It was so strange not what I expected at all. My head was so heavy, like there's a fog settling behind my eyes. Everything felt slower, softer. My heart was racing but my body was so tired. I thought it would be peaceful right away, but there was this buzzing in my ears, and my stomach's turning. The alcohol didn't help. Or maybe it did. I don't know anymore. I was scared of It leaving damages I dont even know if there can be damages from this method. I already cut contact with all of my friends / blocked some of them. Hoping they wouldnt know or guess.
I saw my friend the day before. He didnt see me. He was with his 2 friends one girl one boy. He was happy,he looked happy at least. Seeing him happy made me feel weird that I dont know If I can explain. He was wearing his frickin old grey jacket that he always wore. Same fit Same hair Same look. I wanted SO much to reach out but he didnt wanted me to. I just knew that. I will also post my ''Suicide note'' here to him If you guys are interested. I already failed. But If Im gonna try again at least I will leave my note here so maybe he can see it someday:
Dear A,
I'm sorry for writing this in english I know it's cringe. This is a note that i'm thinking about giving to you on your birthday.I'm writing this on a Sunday morning , going to work, listening sad songs and looking at our photos.
First of all I'm sorry for everything. I wish it was different I really do. If I could go back to the time we first met I believe it would be different. I would open to you.
It's unfair to want someone to live when they don't want to stay here anymore. I don't want to be unfair to you. I don't want to hold you where you don't wanna stay. I don't have the right to. But even though I say these,with all my selfishness I would still want you to stay no matter what. Im sorry.
I wanted to hold you back. I wanted for you to live and laugh. The day you told me that you would rather be dead even in your happiest moments It hit me. It hit me hard.
Not going to lie this note was not a birthday note. I changed it. This was a note in case I would leave first. I just wanted you to know a few things. Our agreement will end after your birthday so it's certain we both wont do anything until August. So I think I will either send this to you or give it to you on paper and ask you to read it later.
It's 8.26 AM right now and silver springs just started to play. I probably wont be able to listen Fleetwood Mac if you do something stupid. Giving this ridiculous note on your birthday is really not ethical I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know all of these. I don't want to go / I don't want you to go without knowing these. Fuck I'm crying. I hate this.
" I'll follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you." RAAAH GIVE ME JUST A CHANCE.
Don't worry I'm not using Ai while writing this. Every time I fix the " I- I'm " shit it reminds me of you.
I love you so much. I'm so sorry for everything. I really just freeze when I think about you. I wish I really wish I was enough for you
When I realized I couldn't save you, something inside me cracked. Not because I'm angry with you. Never that. But because I can't bear to live in a world that chooses to let someone like you suffer. I can't stand the thought of waking up tomorrow and not being able to call your name, or hear your tired laughter,remind you for the hundredth time that you matter or even your gay femboy jokes. I would give everything to hear that every morning. I begged "Allah or whatever there is" to change your mind. I tried being stronger, louder, softer, better anything that might make you want to stay. You were never a burden to me. You were the reason I kept going when I didn't even know I was getting bad.
At the moment you don't want to talk to me. I don't know the reason why it breaks my heart. I only text "good morning"s and "good night "s to you everyday. I'm hoping that this will remind you that Im here no matter what. I still care and will always care. No matter what.
I took advice from some friends of mine. From those who I trust. I explained both your and my situation. They all told me to let you go and it shouldn't be my responsibility to look after you. But I don't agree with them. Not at all. I willingly would spend the rest of my life with you if you wanted me to.I would leave everyone and everything if you wanted me to. I am willing to do these all if it ever makes you want to stay here. But I guess it's not enough. I love you no matter what. Even though I respect your decisions you make about your life I will not let you die from my hand nor my support. So you better say goodbye to your SN :).We shall see each other again though Im not quite sure where it will be.
Welp that was my note. I really dont know its kinda cringe. I dont know If I will have the courage to do it again we will never know I guess :D.
Love yall take care of yourselves. Be yourselves. Cry. Sleep.
I have still so much love to give. I have so much love to give.
-JJ
