Story My story

[dangero]

I am 31 years old and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for some 10 or more. I've been an outlier since I was a kid, I've been diagnosed with avoidant personality and generalised anxiety disorder, but it's more some form of autism spectrum, I've been different since I was a kid, socially maladjusted. I have hypothyroidism and there are days when the disease makes itself known so much that my hands are completely dry and my hair is always dry as hay, in addition to this, at times when the symptoms intensify I have strong suicidal thoughts, and it only takes a few unpleasant situations to wipe me off the face of the earth, thoughts start to appear in my head that "I have to do it today, if not now then when?" and images appear of me cutting my femoral artery with a wallpaper knife. I'm not able to work, I have no money and my parents have been telling me all my life that I can't get anywhere and that no one will accept me. They hide me from the world and are ashamed of me. They want me to live a normal life and at the same time they do everything to keep my self-esteem as low as possible. My mother said that even if I found a job I should make her a transfer every month, because that's what every son does, that the mother is helped. Sorry for english i'm using google translate.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring what you are going through, existence is just too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[dangero]

It must be tiring what you are going through, existence is just too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

Life is meaningless. Medications didn't help me, I took paroxetine and nothing helped me. In addition, people destroy a person when they notice the slightest weakness, they do not look at whether it is caused by genetics, e.g. hypothyroidism, autism spectrum, they simply destroy the other person, they do not give him a chance to develop. This is one great tragedy and suffering.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Your parents are obviously very abusive and have no right treating you in such a despicable way.
You are obviously going through a lot of suffering , yet they invalidate your suffering by demeaning you instead of helping you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope you can find a way to escape your dreadful situation one way or another.

 

[dangero]

I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope you can find a way to escape your dreadful situation one way or another.

It is the thought of death that calms me the most. This is the greatest thing nature has come up with for people like me. I am even happier when I think that all people, without exception, will grow old very quickly, and at the age of 60, probably everyone will have some serious health problems. Of course, this is totally unfavorable from their perspective, but it calms me down because I know that even if someone is a super model and has millions in his account, he will only live 30 or 40 years in health and happiness, and this is really not much. Death can come later, even at 120, but most of old age is lonely, ugly.

I may sound like a villain, but it's just thoughts of passing that calm me down, ideally if no one has to suffer.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I am 31 years old and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for some 10 or more. I've been an outlier since I was a kid, I've been diagnosed with avoidant personality and generalised anxiety disorder, but it's more some form of autism spectrum, I've been different since I was a kid, socially maladjusted. I have hypothyroidism and there are days when the disease makes itself known so much that my hands are completely dry and my hair is always dry as hay, in addition to this, at times when the symptoms intensify I have strong suicidal thoughts, and it only takes a few unpleasant situations to wipe me off the face of the earth, thoughts start to appear in my head that "I have to do it today, if not now then when?" and images appear of me cutting my femoral artery with a wallpaper knife. I'm not able to work, I have no money and my parents have been telling me all my life that I can't get anywhere and that no one will accept me. They hide me from the world and are ashamed of me. They want me to live a normal life and at the same time they do everything to keep my self-esteem as low as possible. My mother said that even if I found a job I should make her a transfer every month, because that's what every son does, that the mother is helped. Sorry for english i'm using google translate.

I have hypo, too, severe and untreated, in fact, but I can't blame my suicidality on it, since I was suicidal long before I got the disease. I think my depression is what led to me getting hypo, not the other way around. I choose not to take medication for it because I didn't like the way I felt on the meds - I just didn't feel like myself. It made me feel like a "shell" of myself, if that makes any sense.

 

[The anhedonic one]

It is the thought of death that calms me the most. This is the greatest thing nature has come up with for people like me. I am even happier when I think that all people, without exception, will grow old very quickly, and at the age of 60, probably everyone will have some serious health problems. Of course, this is totally unfavorable from their perspective, but it calms me down because I know that even if someone is a super model and has millions in his account, he will only live 30 or 40 years in health and happiness, and this is really not much. Death can come later, even at 120, but most of old age is lonely, ugly.

I may sound like a villain, but it's just thoughts of passing that calm me down, ideally if no one has to suffer.

No, you don't sound like a villain at all. And you are definitely right about old age, I'm 59 and wish I had snuffed myself out a couple of decades ago.
I was incredibly stupid to live in hope that my life would get better.
Yet in reality it only got worse.
I'm going to die before I reach 60.
Of this I am utterly confident.

 

[dangero]

I have hypo, too, severe and untreated, in fact, but I can't blame my suicidality on it, since I was suicidal long before I got the disease. I think my depression is what led to me getting hypo, not the other way around. I choose not to take medication for it because I didn't like the way I felt on the meds - I just didn't feel like myself. It made me feel like a "shell" of myself, if that makes any sense.

I also stopped taking thyroid medication, I felt strange after them, my heart was beating fast, I felt it, a strange feeling. In addition, you have to wake up early in the morning, go to bed at the same time, and you cannot eat at all or drink too much fluids after taking the pill. This is too much rigor for too few benefits.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I also stopped taking thyroid medication, I felt strange after them, my heart was beating fast, I felt it, a strange feeling. In addition, you have to wake up early in the morning, go to bed at the same time, and you cannot eat at all or drink too much fluids after taking the pill. This is too much rigor for too few benefits.

I had those symptoms sometimes with the meds. I found what's bad not taking the meds is that I'm very limited to what foods I can eat. I eat the same foods every day. Some foods can knock thyroid function down more, so it's best to avoid them - goitrogens. If I eat the wrong foods, I get "head zaps" that feel like painful electricity shocks going from ear to ear and my entire body feels even lower energy. Basically, I manage my hypo by not eating wrong foods. It's not perfect. I have dry skin, especially in Winter, and my hair can be like straw if I don't wash it for a couple days.

 

[dangero]

No, you don't sound like a villain at all. And you are definitely right about old age, I'm 59 and wish I had snuffed myself out a couple of decades ago.
I was incredibly stupid to live in hope that my life would get better.
Yet in reality it only got worse.
I'm going to die before I reach 60.
Of this I am utterly confident.

The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that I live with my parents. No matter how bad they do, they are hypocrites, on the one hand they give me something to eat, on the other hand they destroy my psyche. This food and some security gives me a stable situation. Without them, I am powerless and weak. Probably after their death I would try to work, if it failed I would steal two liters of vodka, get drunk and jump in front of a train, or tie a belt around my neck and do it like a 50-60-year-old uncle after the death of his wife. He got drunk, tied his trouser belt around his neck and the doorknob. He drank more so that he fell asleep and suffocated. He probably didn't even suffer that much being so drunk.

 

[The anhedonic one]

The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that I live with my parents. No matter how bad they do, they are hypocrites, on the one hand they give me something to eat, on the other hand they destroy my psyche. This food and some security gives me a stable situation. Without them, I am powerless and weak. Probably after their death I would try to work, if it failed I would steal two liters of vodka, get drunk and jump in front of a train, or tie a belt around my neck and do it like a 50-60-year-old uncle after the death of his wife. He got drunk, tied his trouser belt around his neck and the doorknob. He drank more so that he fell asleep and suffocated. He probably didn't even suffer that much being so drunk.

Yeah, booze is a must in my opinion. I'm gonna drink a ton of vodka when I finally put myself out of my misery.
Jumping at beachy head is on my mind a lot now.
Don't know if I will be well enough to go to Mexico for N yet.
It's all a waiting game.
Sorry you are trapped in that situation. I've been in a similar position myself once.