My Story

[ssummers11]

I don't know who needs to read this but to give you a picture I've suffered with feeling extremely isolated and depressed for the most part of my life. I did not have a great upbringing, I was told as a child by my own mother that she wished I was dead. I had an estranged relationship with my father, was relentlessly bullied in school, lived with my alcoholic, bipolar, depressed mother and 2 younger half brothers. I was from a poor household and many of my basic needs were not met as a child and I was abused. To make matters worse, after turning 18 and moving out and trying to restore the relationship with my mother, her partner of 5 years CTB a couple days after Christmas and she followed on the 30th. Needless to say I wasn't feeling very optimistic at a happy new year. I had lived much of my childhood longing for death and the only thing that kept me on this earth was knowing how it would effect my younger half brothers and that they would likely take on the brunt of the abuse from my mother instead of me. I want to give hope to those of you that feel like you have none, because despite all this (and my current problems in life which in themselves are extremely demotivating and depressing) there is a light at the end of the tunnel for some. If I had never stuck it through those dark times for so long then I would have never met my incredible girlfriend or amazing friends who I can confidently say, make all of the struggle and suffering I've endured more than worth it. I've experienced the happiest times of my life with these people and I want people to know that no matter how hopeless it seems or how broken you feel, you have the power to make it through to the other side and finally experience what makes life worth living. If the rest of my days on this earth are sprinkled with moments of joy, love, happiness and laughter mixed in with the bad moments then it's worth living and it's worth the hardship. I understand this is just one persons story of billions and my story isn't over yet, but if you're going through a dark time and don't see a way out, please try your best hold on for as long as you can as you never know when things will turn around in the most unexpected ways. The circumstances that I met my friends and girlfriend seem so unlikely that if my past wasn't exactly the way it has been then I would have never met these people and if that's what it took to meet them, then I'm glad for everything I went through. If I could do it then I believe there is hope for all of you <3 Take it one day at a time and please don't give up hope for a better future

 

[MrDarkness]

I see you joined today, I'm sure your not a pro lifer and I can sense your care for others etc, people don't see light at the end due to many reasons, sadly saying life gets better is like a lie, I don't know if it will get better neither do you, some people just want to die and there isn't any shame in it, some have illness's some have major depression, some are just tired. I hope you won't get bashed for having these beliefs, but just remember why this forum was created

 

[Aya&Dazy]

Life is alright not dark but still wanting to die. I don't want to live till 80.

 

[Weeb]

I agree life can get better but it depends the person I know what my future holds and it's bright but it doesn't contain what I want. For me things are great but not for everyone. Some people no matter how long they wait brightness only appears right before they die of old age. Heck there are also uncertainties that result in bright futures just being gone or the light just disappearing at the end of the tunnel. Anyway nobody can know what the future holds.

 

[FuneralCry]

Look, I get that you want to stay here and see your life as being so worth living now, but when that type of toxic positivity is pushed onto other people to me it comes across as being invalidating and insensitive.

Just because you feel positively about your own life doesn't mean that those views apply to other people, you know nothing about what other people go through and those words are just empty platitudes, it's the type of thing that people come to a pro-choice suicide discussion to avoid.

This forum is pro-choice not pro-life meaning to respect other people's decisions about whether they want to leave or not, I just think this post comes across as quite preachy and I honestly find it hard to take toxic positivity seriously. An example of why this kind of toxic positivity is insensitive because in many cases people want to die beause of debilitating, incurable chronic illnesses which for many will get worse over time, so honestly if you want to speak positively about only your own life then that's fine but I just think that you should try and understand that other people aren't you.

And it does seem like a lot of pro-life people stuggle to comprehend the fact that not everyone even wants to exist here in the first place, which is how I feel, I don't see existence as being desirable at all and none of us are obligated to continue existing here anyway, just because you value life doesn't mean that other people think the same way, we all experience existence differently.

 

[The anhedonic one]

It's possible for a very select few to actually get better, yet the majority of us here are beyond any form of recovery.

 

[ssummers11]

I see you joined today, I'm sure your not a pro lifer and I can sense your care for others etc, people don't see light at the end due to many reasons, sadly saying life gets better is like a lie, I don't know if it will get better neither do you, some people just want to die and there isn't any shame in it, some have illness's some have major depression, some are just tired. I hope you won't get bashed for having these beliefs, but just remember why this forum was created

I'm not a "pro lifer" I just learned about the site recently and as someone with years of experience in this kind of mindset I just wanted to share my own story. I'm not saying it will get better, I'm saying for some people it might because it did for me. Not everyone will be as lucky as I've been and my own trials and tribulations are undoubtedly minor compared to some of the shit others have been through so I totally get that some peoples minds just aren't gonna be changed, and I'm not here to try and change them. I'm not saying there's any shame in it either. I don't throw any shame on my mother for CTB and I actually completely understand her decision.

Only thing that concerns me is kids using this site who are in a shitty situation like I was. If you're born in captivity you got no idea there's a whole other world outside. You only know what you've been exposed to.
I know the site is meant to be 18+ but everyone knows that's not the case. If one of those kids reads this and relates, maybe there's a chance they decide to make it to 18 and move out and are able to actually experience what else life has offer before they make the decision to end it. I just think about how close I was to never experiencing what else was out there and it scares me to think other kids might do the same. Shit i was close to CTB at 11. I remember sneaking out to the railway and dangling my feet over the side waiting for the next train to come but while waiting I stopped myself for my brother's sake.

I digress. But I appreciate your response man and thanks for your honesty. I wish you the best and hope you find peace however that may be.

 

[ssummers11]

It's possible for a very select few to actually get better, yet the majority of us here are beyond any form of recovery.

There's no way to accurately measure how many people have potential to "get better" and how many are "beyond recovery". Everyone's different man. I was obviously one of the lucky ones and I've got no idea how many people might recover. Despite how my post looks I'm not actually here to preach and tell everyone to just get better. I just think some kids here might not know yet what they want and should at least wait til they're a bit older before they go through with it you know? If you're an adult I wish you the best but your decision is yours to make. Peace to you

 

[ssummers11]

Look, I get that you want to stay here and see your life as being so worth living now, but when that type of toxic positivity is pushed onto other people to me it comes across as being invalidating and insensitive.

Just because you feel positively about your own life doesn't mean that those views apply to other people, you know nothing about what other people go through and those words are just empty platitudes, it's the type of thing that people come to a pro-choice suicide discussion to avoid.

This forum is pro-choice not pro-life meaning to respect other people's decisions about whether they want to leave or not, I just think this post comes across as quite preachy and I honestly find it hard to take toxic positivity seriously. An example of why this kind of toxic positivity is insensitive because in many cases people want to die beause of debilitating, incurable chronic illnesses which for many will get worse over time, so honestly if you want to speak positively about only your own life then that's fine but I just think that you should try and understand that other people aren't you.

And it does seem like a lot of pro-life people stuggle to comprehend the fact that not everyone even wants to exist here in the first place, which is how I feel, I don't see existence as being desirable at all and none of us are obligated to continue existing here anyway, just because you value life doesn't mean that other people think the same way, we all experience existence differently.

I'm sorry you feel that way but the aim of my post wasn't to invalidate any of the feelings or emotions that you may have. As I mentioned in my post I can relate to those feelings myself as I've been suicidal for many years. I don't claim to know anything about the lives of anyone on this platform.

I'm absolutely pro choice, I mean it's nearly impossible to stop someone who is certain they want to CTB anyway so there's not much point in being against it. In fact I can totally understand there are a number of circumstances in which even under my own perspective I think CTB is a reasonable choice. I hope to never find myself in any of those circumstances but I understand other people may be facing them and I don't aim to invalidate or discourage any of these people from making their own decisions.

I'm simply against encouraging those who are on the fence to CTB and certainly against encouraging any children who haven't yet the experience or development to make such decisions. Unfortunately I believe despite this site being 18+ there are children using the platform and I hope that if some are suffering as I did at that age, that my story gives them some hope that a brighter future is not impossible, despite how impossible it seems.

I can comprehend not wanting to exist anymore, and wishing you'd never been born as I've felt this way in the past but I can't comprehend not wanting to exist in the first place? Surely you haven't felt that way since the very start or did you just mean you wish you'd never existed?

I agree life can get better but it depends the person I know what my future holds and it's bright but it doesn't contain what I want. For me things are great but not for everyone. Some people no matter how long they wait brightness only appears right before they die of old age. Heck there are also uncertainties that result in bright futures just being gone or the light just disappearing at the end of the tunnel. Anyway nobody can know what the future holds.

I completely agree with you