Story My story

[delusionalgirl]

Only child. Blocked a huge portion of my life before 13. Both parents alcoholics. Dad druggie. A lot what I do know is things I was triggered to remember but I'm going to shorthand it. Abuse all forms. Born into a cult which just on its own fucked me up. I had 2 broken bones before I was a year old. I doubt the real story behind it. Mental health problems on both sides of family. Untreated and dismissed. Casually thinking it's ok to take the granddaughter to lunch with a convicted pedo. Thrown down flight of stairs. Inappropriate touching. Gun pointed at me while people laughed at a young age. Placing bags over my head to end it several times started at 6.

When my parents split, my mom took me to therapy. The therapist told my mom something I said in the session. I don't remember what it was. This was the 80s. Hippa didn't exist. So mental health pretty much untreated all my life due to that loss of trust. Start of covid saw a therapist. Was diagnosed with ptsd on top of depression and anxiety. I was suppose to have more testing but Covid. I finally knew why loud noises or fighting made me hide. (This was used against me several times.) And why some things would send me into a rage (only ever raged on myself via self harm on several levels).

Over the years things would start to connect and I would get glimpses of my childhood. Attempts off and on. Held gun to head pulled trigger, I forgot to take off the safety. It wasn't my time. Last year tried therapy again after 1 of my dogs died. They were the reason I was holding on. Then the other passed. Got away from my relationship that wasn't healthy either. Been in a motel.

What started this spiral this time that leads to my end. Finding out info about my other grandparent, comparing notes with another family member. Things click into place. A lot more. Started losing sleep. Still working. Too many days no sleep. Have to work to pay bills. Broke my soberity. I knew I fucked up but at the same time it's my only relief from the demons in my head and I can work and oddly doing better at it. Last week found out my dad has other kids. 1 older 3 younger than me. I melted down. Like seriously what the fuck else. Then more things clicked. I got a dna test. Dropping in mail tomorrow just to confirm it. But I finally said I'm done. This is just my family. Maybe if I was ever properly diagnosed and treated things would be different. But health wise they have found cancer cells again. I know the cancer is treatable i just don't care. And dementia is maybe 15-20 years away if not sooner. That i do not want. I'm done. But I must thank my dad for one thing. If I do end up using a gun, it's the one he gave me.

Thank you for letting me vent.

 

[Aisley]

Shitty parents should be skinned alive.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Hear the shit parent(s) story again and again. One of mine was pretty shitty in some significant ways, so I understand. It handicaps you in such a profound way usually from a young age. Living a "normal" life in that situation is basically a lottery chance at that point. That's why a lot of us end up alone, addicted, imprisoned, abused and/or dead or even more horrible situations. Worst part is, we develop severe mental illnesses into our adult lives that destroy anything that can help usually. It's a horrible cycle that often ends with some kind of horrible death. And this is why even though the thought of someone taking their own life is incredibly heartbreaking, it's understandable under circumstances at times. Like in situations such as this. Not saying it's hopeless, that's not for anyone to say but the person making that decision, just saying opting out of life shouldn't be considered an easy way out. It isn't. It's a desperate last resort.

 

[deomlez]

i dont know what i can tell you. Perhaps just I have read all and i m with you.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through, it's horrible how humans create so much harm. And also just the fact that such a thing as dementia even exists proves that existence is so hellish, it disturbs me how so much endless suffering exists here, I could never wish to decay from old age. But anyway I wish you the best.