Foreverix
Aeternum Vale
- Sep 18, 2023
- 204
I'm new here, and wanted to share some thoughts and feelings as briefly as I can.
In 2016 I was 26, a recent college grad with debt, living in a bad part of town, and working for Walmart full-time for pennies. Depression that I had struggled with off and on since I was a teen came back, and I ended up quitting that job, staying shut in my apartment, and planned on hanging myself. Eventually I was hospitalized after confiding in my mom, and came out of the hospital feeling the same, only 7 days had passed. By the end of 2016 I had become a long haul trucker with a lot of help from my dad, and carried on with that job until early 2022. During that time I stayed somewhat functional, paid off my debts, and made arrangements to leave trucking and come home.
Since coming home, I've been employed twice. Once last year for 2 months, and this year for 6 months. Both jobs I ended up just quitting one day, suddenly, for no real reason, other than feeling anxiety and/or depression. It's been a few months since the last job, and I've painted myself into a corner financially, hoping this would be enough of a catalyst to CTB. I mean, being homeless is a fate worse than death, right?
I'm off all my meds, as I don't think they did shit anyways. My family has their own lives to worry about, so I don't hear much from them, nor do I really want to talk anyhow. I'm 33, and while I'm sure I have some potential for a decent future, it would require me to be able to function "normally." I don't bathe, eat like shit, don't leave, have no friends, sleep all day, and am generally entranced by the belief that my experience is illusory, reality is a sham, and the greatest contribution I can give to my community would be to remove myself from it completely because I'm a piece of shit.
Even if life could be better, I don't think I want that for myself because I don't believe I deserve it. Sorry if this is long, but I just wanted to see if anyone can relate or is in a similar boat. I feel incredibly alone.
Thanks
In 2016 I was 26, a recent college grad with debt, living in a bad part of town, and working for Walmart full-time for pennies. Depression that I had struggled with off and on since I was a teen came back, and I ended up quitting that job, staying shut in my apartment, and planned on hanging myself. Eventually I was hospitalized after confiding in my mom, and came out of the hospital feeling the same, only 7 days had passed. By the end of 2016 I had become a long haul trucker with a lot of help from my dad, and carried on with that job until early 2022. During that time I stayed somewhat functional, paid off my debts, and made arrangements to leave trucking and come home.
Since coming home, I've been employed twice. Once last year for 2 months, and this year for 6 months. Both jobs I ended up just quitting one day, suddenly, for no real reason, other than feeling anxiety and/or depression. It's been a few months since the last job, and I've painted myself into a corner financially, hoping this would be enough of a catalyst to CTB. I mean, being homeless is a fate worse than death, right?
I'm off all my meds, as I don't think they did shit anyways. My family has their own lives to worry about, so I don't hear much from them, nor do I really want to talk anyhow. I'm 33, and while I'm sure I have some potential for a decent future, it would require me to be able to function "normally." I don't bathe, eat like shit, don't leave, have no friends, sleep all day, and am generally entranced by the belief that my experience is illusory, reality is a sham, and the greatest contribution I can give to my community would be to remove myself from it completely because I'm a piece of shit.
Even if life could be better, I don't think I want that for myself because I don't believe I deserve it. Sorry if this is long, but I just wanted to see if anyone can relate or is in a similar boat. I feel incredibly alone.
Thanks
