Story My story.. it's long, but maybe someone will be interested..

[Hfb]

I always said : feeling abnormal, by being normal in an abnormal World..Ive been mentally ill for as long as I can think but I've always tried my best and tried everything to fit into humanity and the world.. When I was 13, I had my first breakdown and wanted to kill myself... I couldn't finish school straight away and had to catch up on everything... .I always knew I'd kill myself someday, but I always hoped I could put it off as long as possible. So far this has always worked well.. of course , I had my dark days .. but days in the sun and by the sea, or days in the garden, in the meadows or by the lake, days with family or friends.. Wine on the terrace... counting stars.. Guessing clouds, picking strawberries, nibbling cherries and practicing spitting. I still loved all that.. No matter where I was, I always helped all the animals and all the people I could help. I was in Mauritius helping stray dogs... I saved every bird, every bee and every animal, no matter how small... I remember, whenever it rained, I would remove the snails from the path in front of my door so no one would step on them. I have loved rain in general .. Reading books, scenting candles, cooking... lying in the sun in the garden. Shopping, giving gifts.. Reading fairy tales, writing poems, telling stories... Cuddling up, watching movies, movies, popcorn, watermelon, brownies, birthday cake... I could tell for hours.. summer nights... moons, planetarium, going on vacation, traveling, painting, drawing... playing quizzes... swimming, bathing... life. I've always had it hard, but I always wanted to live. All the stones that were put in my way, I have overcome. I managed to get through every obstacle somehow. In spite of all the mental problems, I created my own little world that I felt good in. I am a kind and educated person. I have several degrees and own up to all of my mistakes... but I still don't deserve this! I was always hardworking and always gave my best. I left home when I was 17 and worked since I was 14. I worked at McDonald's for two years and was treated like shit. Besides all my Jobs, I went to school and survived somehow ..Despite ADD, borderline and inner emptiness, I always gave my all and was always there for all my friends. I always listened and always tried to support everyone. I graduated and endured bullying at school... I'm not a weak person and my decision has nothing to do with giving up... it has something to do with the fact that I don't want this life and I don't deserve it. I want to keep the beautiful memories and I gradually notice that they are being pushed aside by the torment... only when I think very carefully do certain events or beautiful moments come back to me. I value every second that I don't feel afraid or panicked.. I liked to do things by myself, to travel by myself, to think by myself and to watch the world.. And I've always done everything I could to be part of it... sports and clothes, make-up surgeries.. all to be like the others.. Then a difficult phase came to me.. and I had to go back to the hospital.. I felt so emotionally awful that my appearance also bothered me immensely. That's when I found a beautician who wanted to remove freckles because I felt uncomfortable with them. She gave me a lot of scars. In the beginning, I tried to see over it.. But they bothered me more and more and more and I went to 100 different doctors and I was already in treatment by the way and it started an endless cycle. I couldn't do all the things I used to love, I was passed from therapy to therapy and from clinic to clinic ... and gradually the world lost its colors ... my strength faded from day to day but I never gave up. I made contact with the woman who did this to me and after a long struggle I received 2000€ compensation that nothing will ever make it right again.

She destroyed me with it.. a very sensitive and loving person... who was so vulnerable and special.. the scars no longer bother me .. But what they did to me will never be right. When I was already in a difficult phase, she completely changed my appearance. I now felt terrible inside and out and didn't dare go out the door anymore. I isolated myself more and more because of my anxiety and panic disorder. Now I live with severe borderline ADD, anxiety and panic. Every step hurts and everything feels unreal. I didn't know that a human being could feel this way and experience such internal pain that he couldn't walk, sleep, eat, or think. I'm just a shadow of my former self. I haven't been able to listen to music or watch movies for years. Nothing distracts me. My family is broken and I throw up every single day.I shiver, I can't sleep, can't eat or calm down. I've been rushed to the ambulance so many times and everyone is looking at me, like I am a creep.. I guess maybe I am. But I am also a human being and I don't deserve a life like this..The world has lost its color and every day is a single torment for me.. I keep losing weight, mentally and physically and I have bad attacks and not a moment goes by without fear and panic. Nothing can calm me down or distract me . Everything scares me and I never get to rest.. I've been thinking for a long time about whether death is really the only solution and I've come to the conclusion that, unfortunately, it is. Life is meaningless when it only hurts and the pain gets worse and worse. Every time I thought it couldn't get any worse, it just got worse. At some point I thought maybe it would help if the scars disappeared and I fell for a scammer who offered a phenol peel. I lost €4,500, which my mother had laboriously saved up. Therapy after Therapy I realized, that nothing really helps…I don't want this life, from clinic to clinic and doctor to doctor... I don't want to lose my mind.. it's all I have left. I don't deserve to spend a life in a closed psychiatric ward.. I'm sad that my life has to end like this but I'm thankful for every day that I was happy.. I'd like to spend my last day in company and not be alone... a few days at the beach before and a nice meal I could buy us... I'd be so happy to hear from you… I don't want anymore pain or darkness.. just some relief .. If I don't find anyone here, then I'll probably give up the search and go alone.. I'm very sorry for everyone who feels the same way trapped.. we don't want to live but we're not allowed to die.. so we're just here ...

 

[Linda]

For a start I think you need to get away from the doctors (and, perhaps, the therapists). They seem to be creating problems, not fixing them. It sounds as though you can't be any worse off if you avoid them.

You don't say how bad your facial scarring is. I have a bit of a problem with some mild markings on my face, but a little makeup works wonders. Would something of that sort work for you?

You might also be assuming that other people are as aware of your face as you are. It doesn't always work like that. My husband had very bad acne as a teenager, and his face is still baldy scarred from it. I don't even notice it any more, and I haven't noticed it for decades. Other people don't seem to pay it any attention either.

 

[Joker2003]

Dang, it sounds like you have been through a lot.

Please, at least try and find something to live for. Even if it is as small as enjoying a good meal or walking on the beach.

I hope that you can find joy again and that your life gets better.

 

[heliophobic]

Wow....so much of what you said... it's almost like I was reading about my own life. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. When it comes to the physical: I have a LOT of scars, just not on my face. A doctor ruined my nose though(no, it wasn't a plastic surgery procedure). It's sad how quickly scammers can find the desperate to prey on, isn't it?

 

[Hfb]

@heliophobic … you are totally right .. I am so sorry that life has brought you to this point ..

 

[Argo]

There are people in your shoes all over the world. I think the core problem really is just a matter of the value of inner beauty vs. outer. It's understandable, obviously, everyone wants to feel accepted, loved, valued. The answer to that seems to be to appeal to others on a physical level, because we're wired for that. But... if you really push on the meaning of this, it seems like something's off. How can such a superficial thing be meaningful? It's a bit like feeling good due to something like heroin. Yes, it makes you feel good... undeniably. But... is it "the thing to seek"? It seems like a cheap trick, no? It's empty. A confused solution to a confused problem.

What is actually meaningful? Isn't it the person you actually are, rather than the one you appear to be to others at first glance? Like the intention behind removing snails from the path in front of your door? That seems beautiful on a more substantial level.

I deeply relate to this line:

I'm not a weak person and my decision has nothing to do with giving up... it has something to do with the fact that I don't want this life and I don't deserve it.

It sums up my own reason for suicide well.

 

[Hfb]

@Argo You are definitely right... just the fact that you find these words and think about things the way you have described them shows that you must be a very beautiful person on the inside! I'm sorry you find yourself here too and hope you find your way... thanks for your message it meant a lot to me!

 

[Rockman]

I read somewhere once: It's good to quit!

 

[Hfb]

@Rockman In Germany there is a saying that you should stop when things are at their best. Maybe then I would have saved myself a lot.

 

[heliophobic]

@heliophobic … you are totally right .. I am so sorry that life has brought you to this point ..

I'm sorry that life brought you here as well. Sort of on topic, but sort of not, do you like the movie Der Todesking? Probably my favorite film about suicide from one of my favorite German directors.

 

[Hfb]

I'm sorry that life brought you here as well. Sort of on topic, but sort of not, do you like the movie Der Todesking? Probably my favorite film about suicide from one of my favorite German directors.

oh no ! Never heard of it ! I will look that up ! Thank you for the advice I appreciate that

 

[heliophobic]

oh no ! Never heard of it ! I will look that up ! Thank you for the advice I appreciate that

It's a Jörg Buttgereit film. Not as infamous as Nekromantik but still a great film.

 

[Hfb]

For a start I think you need to get away from the doctors (and, perhaps, the therapists). They seem to be creating problems, not fixing them. It sounds as though you can't be any worse off if you avoid them.

You don't say how bad your facial scarring is. I have a bit of a problem with some mild markings on my face, but a little makeup works wonders. Would something of that sort work for you?

You might also be assuming that other people are as aware of your face as you are. It doesn't always work like that. My husband had very bad acne as a teenager, and his face is still baldy scarred from it. I don't even notice it any more, and I haven't noticed it for decades. Other people don't seem to pay it any attention either.

Thank you so much for your words.. I totally forgot to answer you.. thank you for sharing some information about your life .. I appreciate that a lot

 

[SoulCage]

Your story made me cry. It triggered my inner child. You described the joys of life that I also remember from my childhood, before everything turned to constant suffering. It hurts so bad...

 

[Hfb]

@SoulCage I know it hurts so bad .. every single day I am sorry for you !